My husband and I have been together fifteen years and been through pretty much all of the ups and downs sexually that a monogamous relationship offers. Two years ago, my husband was in an accident and broke his back. The accident resulted in some mild-to-moderate nerve damage to his legs and a newfound case of premature ejaculation. I adore my husband and while toys normally help finish the job for me, I’m left wanting for our old sex life. I’m also worried about his satisfaction. His lack of endurance stresses him out and I end up feeling like it’s more important for me to fake an orgasm, so he doesn’t feel bad and worry about his performance.
He’s tried Cialis but it causes more nerve spasms than it’s worth. I’m at a loss. I’ve found very little in my research on back injuries and the effects on sexual functions and don’t know what else to do or where to look. I want to be satisfied like I used to be, but I also don’t want to broach the subject with my husband without having an action plan in place. He’s not as open about discussing things and definitely a sensitive soul. I just want to ride my husband like I used to and selfishly not worry about holding back for his sake. I know he wants the same. How the fuck do we get back there?
Back Where We Belong
“Sexual dysfunction due to back and spinal cord injuries are very common,” said Dr. Rachel Gelman, a physical therapist who lives and works in the Bay Area. “There are reports of premature or rapid ejaculation after back injuries, which makes sense: erections and ejaculation require a lot of systems to be working together well, one of which is the nervous system.”
So, if the nerves running to and from your husband’s cock were damaged or compromised during his accident, BWWB, is there anything that can be done?
“There are many treatment options available,” said Dr. Gelman. “I would strongly recommend having him consult a sexual medicine provider. The Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA) and The International Sexual Medicine Society (ISSM) are great options to get resources and find a local provider. There are also sex therapists and counselors that can discuss exercises or strategies to address his PE.”
Dr. Gelman also had a few recommendations — a few sex sex tips — while your husband waits for his first appointment with a specialist.
“She could try having him wear a condom,” said Dr. Gelman, “the theory being that a condom can help reduce sensitivity and delay ejaculation. And if they want to spice things up — and justify the condom — they could pretend they’re meeting for the first time and recreate their first few weeks of dating. Another option might be one of the various desensitizing ointments and creams that contain lidocaine available over the counter.”
Zooming out for a second: I’ve been on the receiving end of one or two of those desensitizing creams in my time, BWWB, and I strongly recommend very carefully applying it only to the last couple of inches of his hard dick before carefully rolling a condom over the whole thing. You wanna numb his dick, not your hole.
Zooming right back in: Even if your husband agrees to seek treatment, BWWB, and even if that treatment proves effective, the process is gonna take some time. So, this is how your husband’s dick works — at least for the time being — and both Dr. Gelman and I think you should make the best of it.
“This could be an opportunity to play around with new routines and sexual activities,” said Dr. Gelman. “Try more toys — BWWB mentioned that toys are usually a win for her — and go slow and take more time to build things up. And sex doesn’t have to end just because he climaxed. Depending on how long his refractory period is, they could take a break, have a snack, and then go for round two. Or he could just focus on BWWB’s pleasure after his climax.
“And while I fully support BWWB’s desire to ride her husband to her heart’s content like she used to,” said Dr. Gelman, “it’s important to remember that our bodies do change over time.”
Ideally, this process — we age, things change — is a gradual one, and we discover new tricks, new pleasures, and fun new ways of getting off. But when changes come fast, BWWB, their very swiftness can make it hard to adjust.
“I hear the distress this issue is causing for BWWB and her husband,” said Dr. Gelman, “and those feelings are perfectly understandable. But a reminder that stress and anxiety can be mood killers.”
So, in addition to asking your husband to see the doctors and do the work so he can maybe last longer again someday, you should invite your husband to do things he can nail right now: oral sex, mutual masturbation, internal and external vibrators, big and small strap-ons, etc. To build up his confidence again, BWWB, you need to put the focus on joy and pleasure — both of you do — and take the focus off penetration and endurance. And if you approach other routes to pleasure as good and possibly great sex and not as sad consolation prizes, BWWB, you can start having great sex again tonight.
Dr. Rachel Gelman is a pelvic floor specialist and a sexuality counselor. You can follow her on Instagram and Threads @pelvichealthsf and learn more about her work — and pelvic health in general — at her website pelvicwellpt.com.
My fiancé is a lovely man, and we have a wonderful relationship. My mother is a difficult woman, and we have a complicated relationship. She followed my fiancé on Instagram after I introduced her to him, and then — after extensive sleuthing — she found his alt. My mom is now convinced my fiancé is abusing me because we’re into BDSM and she wants me to call the wedding off. This is rich coming from a woman who made zero effort to protect me and my sisters from any of the abusive men she married. My mother disinvited us for Christmas, which was frankly a relief, but now she’s threatening to send screenshots to my very Christian sisters and their husbands if I don’t break things off with my fiancé and “get mental help.” I worked hard to reestablish a relationship with my sisters in adulthood (I’m the youngest, they left home as soon as they could) and I’m afraid I won’t have any family at all when this is over. How do I navigate this?
Boy’s Disturbingly Shitty Mom
Your mom has a weapon in her hands right now — screenshots of your fiancé’s alt — and there’s only one way to disarm her: tell your sisters everything. You don’t have to send them screenshots of your own, detailed descriptions, or links, BDSM, you only have to give them a rough but accurate outline: you and your fiancé are kinky, you shared some pictures on an obscure corner of the Internet, and your mom somehow managed to find them. Emphasize to your siblings that you wouldn’t be sharing these details about your sex life if your mother hadn’t invaded your quasi-privacy (you guys did share those pics publicly) and wasn’t now trying to blackmail you by threatening to send screenshots to your sisters. If they’re upset to learn these facts about your sex life, BDSM, tell them to go yell at your mother. And if your sisters are judgmental about your kinks and/or concerned for your safety, BDSM, feel free to copy and paste this into your group chat: “BDSM is cops and robbers for grownups — minus pants, plus orgasms — and studies have shown that adults who enjoy this kind of sex play with other consenting adults are just as emotionally healthy as people who do not. So, there’s no need to worry about me and the only person who should be ashamed right now is our mom.”
Tell your sisters they can decide for themselves what, if anything, they wanna share with their husbands — their husbands, their problem — and urge them not to open any emails or texts they get from mom with attached photos. Then send a long text to your mom: let mom know you told your sisters everything, let mom know you’re not breaking up with your fiancé, and let mom know — at least for the time being — she’s not invited to your wedding. Then let mom know you will call the actual cops (the “pants on” variety) and press charges if she sends those screenshots to your sisters or anyone else. Most people who get arrested for revenge porn (“revealing sexually explicit images [with the] intent of causing distress or embarrassment”) are angry exes, BDSM, but revenge porn is a crime even when a parent does it. Let your mom know.
And finally, BDSM, you will have family when this is over. Because your soon-to-be husband and the people in your lives who love and support you — as individuals and a couple — are already your family. They may not be your family of origin, BDSM, but they’re definitely your family of destination. Don’t let what you might lose… and what you might stand to benefit from losing… blind you to what you already have.
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