Eat It Mister

...want my cookie too, dammit?! Ready to PAY for It Your need for oral sex is not some sort of character failing, so don’t present it to the men you sleep with like it’s an “issue” or even a problem. You require oral sex to get off, you have every right to expect any man you get off to get you off. While men’s orgasms are relatively simple and obvious, women’s orgasms are complicated and subtle. Straight guys depend on women to tell them what they need; men can’t read minds. Some can’t read, period. If women don’t tell men what they need, or if women mislead men by faking orgasms, then men can’t come through for you. That the last man you slept with reacted badly when you told him what you needed only proves that he was an asshole, not that you were wrong to tell him. Once you know what it takes to get you off — and it usually takes some time for a woman to figure that out — TELL HIM ABOUT IT, INSIST ON IT, DON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. You can tell him, insist, refuse to take no for an answer, AND be sexy at the same time. The next time you’re seriously flirting with a guy — a guy you’ll be getting naked with soon — look him deep in the eyes, give his crotch a squeeze, and tell him in the huskiest voice you can muster that you’re the kind of girl who need lots of oral attention, lots and lots of it, in order to get off. Don’t be tactful — be sexy! Keep squeezing his cock and say, “You wanna get me off, don’t you? You’ll give me what I need, won’t you? After you get me off, we can do whatever you want, stud, anything at all….” Ninety percent of guys will be so turned on you won’t be able to peel their tongues off your clit. The 10 percent of guys that won’t be turned on, well, they aren’t guys you wanna be sleeping with anyway. My girlfriend has this skanky male friend (who she had sexual relations with a year ago) who really burns me up. He has made it clear he wants a relationship with her, even though she’s told him she is seeing me. This chafes me, and I feel disrespected. Straight men seem to have no respect for lesbian relationships. She goes over to his house every once in a while to party with him and his friends, and never comes home until the next day. I am not invited because he doesn’t like me and I don’t like him. I think that I have a right to be a little worried that something is going on. Does it sound like I have a valid reason to be concerned? Fired up in North Carolina If your girlfriend is fucking this guy, you have valid and obvious reasons to be concerned. But even if she’s not fucking this guy, you still have valid reasons to be concerned. Why is your girlfriend hanging out with someone who doesn’t like you? Why does she spend so much time with someone who disrespects her relationship and excludes her girlfriend? If you should be concerned about anything, you should be concerned about how little your girlfriend seems to care about your feelings. She shouldn’t want to hang out with this guy! We can’t ask our friends to like or even approve of our lovers, but we can demand basic courtesy. My best friend may not like my boyfriend, but he recognizes that my boyfriend gives me things he cannot — blowjobs, credit card debt, rope burns — and makes an effort to make nice with my boyfriend. If this asshole can’t treat you with respect, your girlfriend shouldn’t have anything to do with him. I met a girl in an Internet chat room, we met in person, and now we’ve been dating for a month. The problem is her job. She is gone during the week and I only see her on the weekends. I want her with me more. The price I pay for our relationship is depression five days a week, followed by two days of bliss. How can I handle this situation? Five Days Alone Don’t be such a fucking crybaby. Guys looking for women in chat rooms spend most of their time talking to gay men pretending to be horny 18-year-old girls, or more perilously, police officers pretending to be horny 13-year-old girls. That you chatted with and then met an actual WOMAN — a woman who wanted to fuck you even after she saw you! — is more luck than most men lurking in chat rooms ever have! You’re only getting it twice a week? Boo-fucking-hoo. Chat rooms are full of 40-year-old guys who haven’t had it twice in their lives. Stop whining. Hello from a boy who skateboards (a “skater-boy”). I’m writing to help out the lovely lady who wrote in asking how she could meet skater-boys. Your advice, as usual, was hilarious but not helpful. The woman in question should go to a skatepark. She’ll get more attention than she’ll know what to do with. Many skateboarders are anti-social, awkward, and not in the least able to talk to women, but there are certainly enough exceptions that a park full of us will provide many contacts. Many of us older skater-boys, as a bonus, have given up baggy pants and bad haircuts and now take showers on a regular basis and have good jobs. And there are Internet bulletin boards on skateboarding — women who post get huge responses. Professional Skateboarder Thanks for helping out, PS. Hopefully my skater-boy-obsessed reader will see your letter and get her hands on some legal skater-tush. Speaking of skater-tush, I recently wandered into Crescent Downworks, a skateboard shop on Pike Street, where I saw many fine examples of skater-tush. I asked the boys if they had any advice for a woman into skater-boys, and they suggested that she hang out in, or better yet, get a part-time job in a skateboard shop. Horny folks in Seattle who wanna meet skater-boys can drop their resumes off at Crescent Downworks on Pike Street. HEY, EVERYBODY: This Friday night I’ll be the guest DJ on Star 101.5 FM’s ’80s Friday Night with Michael Stein, from 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. Michael invited me on his show to play my “fave music from the ’80s, whatever I was listening to when Reagan was president.” Don’t tell Mike, but in the ’80s I was mostly listening to musicals from the ’40s and ’50s, so that’s what I’ll be playing. Tune in, why don’t you? DESPERATELY SEEKING BART DANIEL: Did you work for Adcart Inc. in the early ’90s? Were you named Sales Representative of the month in February of 1992? Bart, please call me at The Stranger (206.323.7101). I have your plaque. [email protected]