Spreading Santorum

...which they’ve been hearing a lot lately, what with Senator Santorum busily undermining abortion rights and bemoaning gay marriage. Some of the mail is from readers who are angry about this popping effect. These readers are sick to death of reading about santorum–the senator and the stain–in my column. To the santorumphobes out there, I say this: There are other advice columns out there–fine examples of the genre, from the Ethicist in the New York Times to Dear Prudence on Slate to Real Estate Reality Check in the Vashon Island Beachcomber–and none of these columns would touch santorum with a 10-foot pole. (I can’t, however, vouch for none of the columnists themselves ever having left santorum on a 10-foot pole.) Santorumphobes in need of an advice fix are welcome to read one of these other fine columns this week and then return to Savage Love next week, because this week’s column is awash in santorum. But after this week–I swear to God!–I will not discuss santorum at any length again, as my efforts to spread the word are moving to a dedicated website. But first I want to tend to these santorum-related, uh, loose ends…. Just an FYI from the folks selling a line of santorum T-shirts…. We’ve had a few orders from people who work in Senate offices (for U.S. senators!). I don’t think Rick Santorum is popular with his colleagues. I’m smiling right now, envisioning Santorum strolling past a Senate aide wearing a “SANTORUM–The frothy mixture that says I love you” T-shirt in the hallowed halls of our nation’s Capitol. “Frothy mixture” is our most popular shirt (available at www.extraugly.com). Sign me…. Politicians Out of Private Stuff P.S. Did you get the shirts that we sent to you? I got the shirts, POOPS, and thanks. Speaking of people who work for U.S. senators…. As a congressional staffer here in Washington, D.C., I have to keep myself from giggling every time I pass Rick Santorum in the Capitol, but that’s not the point of this e-mail. I typed “Santorum” into Google to see for myself, and I noticed that the page right after your column has a great summary quote: “Rick Santorum had only been in the senate for a few weeks when Bob Kerrey, then Senator from Nebraska, pegged him.” AC Former Senator Bob Kerrey didn’t peg Santorum in the Savage Love sense of the word. (Kerrey can’t, as pegging by definition is a woman fucking a man with a strap-on dildo.) On the website CounterPunch, Jeffrey St. Clair claims Kerrey “pegged” Santorum by saying, “Santorum–that’s Latin for asshole.” If he said it, Kerrey was ahead of the curve. I’ve only heard you use “santorum” in reference to gay anal sex. Does it apply to straight butt sex too? I Love Straight Anal Straight people have anuses, don’t they? Butt? Of course! And guess what? Straight people pump out a hell of a lot more santorum than gay people. The best estimate of the number of gay men in the United States and Canada is three percent of the male population, or roughly 4.5 million cock-hungry males out of a population of 300 million men and women. According to The Social Organization of Sexuality (University of Chicago Press, 1994), 10 percent of straight men and nine percent of straight women reported engaging in anal sex, which works out to more than 50 million straight people buttfucking their brains out. The Chicago study was conducted a decade ago, and the number of straight people engaging in anal sex has, without a doubt, skyrocketed, thanks to anal porn and Trent Ford. So the amount of santorum produced in North America by gay men, ILSA, is but a trickle compared to the tsunami of santorum produced by straight folks. A former bartender, I wanted to do my part to popularize “santorum,” so this straight man concocted a recipe for the Santorum Shot: 1/2 oz. dirty-ass well vodka; 1/2 oz. créme de cacao (dark); a dash of cream; a splash of seltzer water. Place hand over top of shot glass, slam on table, and voilà! A frothy brownish mixture. Santorum Haters Open Wide Dawn at Barca was kind enough to whip up a Santorum Shot for me, SHOW. It looked appropriately disgusting but tasted absolutely divine! I recommend them! I work in the film business in Toronto and I recently worked on the Dawn of the Dead remake, with Zack Snyder directing. We were shooting a scene with Sarah Polley and Jake Weber in which they were supposed to be drinking horrible coffee and commenting to each other of its foul taste. I implored Zack to do one take using the term “santorum” in reference to the coffee. The scene was brilliant with the term, and I told Zack that if he kept it in the movie, he’d be making a great contribution to society! At the wrap party they played a blooper reel. When they showed Jake referring to his coffee tasting like “santorum,” half the room exploded with laughter and the other half begged to be let in on the joke. Hollywood is behind you, Dan! Rusty in Toronto If the “santorum” scene doesn’t make it into the new Dawn of the Dead, RIT, I hope Zack Snyder can be persuaded to at least include the santorum scene on the DVD. Pretty please, Zack? And now… the new website, where santorumphiles can track the spread of santorum, thus sparing santorumphobes from ever having to read “that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” in my column ever again. Santorum sightings, links to websites that mention santorum, information on getting the word into The Oxford English Dictionary, and much, much more can be found at www.spreadingsantorum.com. [email protected] Dan Savage’s newest book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah, is available now in paperback. Joe Newton’s brilliant/cute-creepy illos for Savage Love are on display–and on sale–at The Rose Club Cafe in Mt. Baker (3601 S. McClellan St.). Framed prints of Savage Love illos make awesome Christmas gifts!