I’m in my final year of high
school and I decided to come out as a lesbian—a very foolish move
as I live in a small town that’s not exactly brimming with tolerant
people. But I know there are other closeted people at my school and I
figured if none of us ever take the first step, it won’t ever get any
better around here. But the response from my peers was worse than I
expected. It’s nothing too terrible, no physical violence, and in the
beginning I could cope. But it’s been a while now and I guess I need
some advice. It just isn’t getting better and I’m getting tired of it.
I have to park two streets away so people don’t write shit on my car,
someone’s hacked my user account and deleted important coursework, I’m
either told I’m dressing like a dyke or trying...
How to Cope in the Closet
Already Subscribed? Log in here.
...ite shit on my car,
someone’s hacked my user account and deleted important coursework, I’m
either told I’m dressing like a dyke or trying to be a girl depending
on what I choose to wear on any given day. I’m avoiding classes that I
don’t have friends in because even if nothing is said (though it often
is), the atmosphere is horrible. And none of this is that big a deal
compared to what others have to go through, I know, but I’m sort of at
the end of my tether.
Reporting it to staff is useless because
they just tell me there isn’t any proof and do fuck all. I’ve got some
teachers looking out for me, but they can’t really do anything, either.
I have some supportive friends, thank God, but it’s all just becoming a
bit too much, and I need some advice on how to cope through the last
few months until I can get out of this shithole town.
Tired And Losing It
Here’s what you need to do, TALI: Look in
the mirror every morning and tell yourself that this is the nadir, the
bottom, the worst it’s ever going to get. Once you get out of high
school and out of your shithole hometown and get your ass off to
college—to a big state school or private secular
university—you won’t be the only out queer anymore. Hell, you’ll
be surrounded by out fags and dykes and bisexuals. I can’t promise you
that you’ll never encounter a bigot again, of course, or that all the
fags and dykes you meet over the course of your life will be good
people. But you will never again feel as vulnerable or persecuted or
alone as you do right now.
And while you’re talking to yourself in the
mornings, TALI, tell yourself this, too: “Fuck my school, fuck my
classmates, and fuck this town.” The shits conspiring to make you
miserable, TALI, are unlikely to have lives anywhere near as
interesting as the one on which you’re about to embark. Your classmates
are making you miserable now because they know, deep down in their
little black hearts, that their lives are going to be duller than
day-old douche water compared to yours. Their lives aren’t going to be
dull because they’re straight, TALI, but because the value they place
on conformity—that’s the reason they feel they have a right to
abuse you now—is a prison they’ve constructed around
themselves.
Right now they’re making you feel like an
outcast, TALI, and the malice stings. But what exactly are they casting
you out of? Your high school? Their asshole cliques? That shit town?
You haven’t been cast out, TALI; you’ve been liberated. Freed.
Sprung.
I’m a 16-year-old gay boy. I grew up
in an evangelical Christian home. Being the intelligent chap I am, I
forgot to clear the history off the computer after looking at
pornography one day last October. I got yelled at until I cried that
night, and again the next morning, and every day for two weeks. I
wasn’t allowed to use the computer for a year, and I was forced to
attend church nightly. The electronics embargo has ended, so I can
watch porn again at least, but I’ve been forced into the closet by my
parents. They both ask me every night whether or not I have a
girlfriend, whether or not there are any cute girls in my grade, stuff
like that. My mom tears up every time I say that I don’t have a
girlfriend. My dad sends me links to antigay articles that describe
homosexuality as unnatural and an abomination. Once I made the mistake
of sending an article back to him countering his points about
homosexuality and he stormed into my room and broke both my cell phone
and MP3 player in half.
What the hell should I do about my parents?
Will I ever be able to come out? Or will I have to lie to my parents
and wait for them to die?
Christian Parents
Angrily Chastise
Your parents—your vicious, clueless
parents—are abusing their authority and their power, CPAC, which
can make it tempting to fantasize about their deaths. Hell, I’m tempted
to come over and kill them myself. But your only option right now, I’m
sorry to say, is to lie to them. Tell your asshole parents what their
assholes ears want to asshole hear: “It was just a phase, Mom and Dad,
I was just curious, I’m totally straight, Jesus is the only dude I’ll
ever get on my knees for, blah blah blah.” Get yourself a fag hag,
delete gay web-browsing histories, create and refrain from deleting
straight web-browsing histories, and bide your freakin’ time.
In two short years you’ll be an adult, CPAC,
and you’ll be able to come out to your mom and dad—and, even
better, you’ll be able to tell them to suck it. Demand an apology for
the emotional and spiritual violence they inflicted on you, CPAC, and
if one isn’t forthcoming, refuse to see your parents or have anything
to do with them until they apologize. They’re currently using
all the leverage they have as parents to make sure you’re
miserable—aka closeted—for the rest of your life. Once
you’re an adult, CPAC, you’ll have to use the only leverage
you have—your presence in their lives—to make them into the
loving, respectful, supportive parents you deserve, deserved all along,
and that it’s not too late for them to become.
Four months ago, my mom walked in on
me messing around with my boyfriend in our garage. I’m also a boy, age
15, and I hadn’t gotten around to coming out to my parents yet. I felt
bad that my mom had to find out by seeing what she saw. I stayed in my
room crying until my father came home. They called me down to the
kitchen and told me they loved me and that they were very, very sorry
if they had ever done or said anything that made me feel like I
couldn’t be open with them about who I am.
My boyfriend is 17. He came out to his
parents at Christmas, and our parents met for the first time last
night. We don’t have a question. We just wanted to thank you and thank
all the other gay people who came out back when it was much tougher to
do so. Our parents wouldn’t have reacted the way they did if it weren’t
for all you guys that already came out.
We’re
Out Now
Thanks for the sweet note, WON. It’s too bad
that all teenagers, gay and straight, don’t have parents as loving and
supportive as yours.
Download Savage Lovecast (my weekly
podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
[email protected]