Bloody Business

...shat into his condom, through his penis. He did not seem alarmed or in pain. He took off his condom himself, so he was aware of the situation. He did not remark on it to either of us! He made ZERO effort to prepare either of us, either. And it was not a little blood in his ejaculate—it was entirely blood. He has never returned. Is this person a monster or a vampire? Is he dying? Seriously. Mistress Echo P.S. I went back to the bathroom with gloves on and removed the used condom from the trash and took a photo. It’s the only way to communicate just how much blood there was. “You can tell Mistress Echo that her client was not a monster or a vampire, and he is likely not dying anytime soon,” said Dr. Stephen H. King, a board-certified urologist. “What she observed is a person with hematospermia, meaning blood in the semen.” While the sight is alarming—I’ll never be able to scrape that photo off the back of my eyeballs, thanks—Dr. King assures me that it’s nothing to worry about, as hematospermia is almost always benign. And even if you had done ball play or rough CBT (cock and ball torture), or if he engaged in solo CBT prior to the session, it’s unlikely that kind of play would result in a condom full of blood. “The vast majority of the semen actually comes from the prostate and the seminal vesicles, which are located deep in the pelvis just behind and below the bladder, respectively,” said Dr. King. “Very little of the ejaculate fluid actually originates from the testicles,” which primarily pump out hormones and sperm cells. “The prostate gland and seminal vesicles (also glands) store up the fluids and can become overdistended with long periods of abstinence and prone toward micro tearing and bleeding in this circumstance.” Blowing regular loads doesn’t just lower your risk for prostate cancer, as multiple studies have shown, it also lowers your risk for filling condoms with blood and alarming your friendly neighborhood pro-Dom. Two good reasons for draining those balls, guys—and other people with balls because, as the Book of Tumblr teaches us, not all guys have balls and not all balls have guys. “Also, these glands are lined by smooth muscle that contracts to force out the fluid [during ejaculation],” Dr. King continued. “If the force of contraction is excessive—a fucking great orgasm—this may lead toward rupture of some of the surrounding blood vessels and blood will enter the semen.” Your client’s blasé reaction is a good indication that he’s experienced this previously, ME, because most guys who see blood in their semen—or only blood when they expected to see semen—freak the fuck out. “In my practice, most guys who see blood in their ejaculate the first time are sufficiently freaked out to seek immediate medical attention, and their doctors usually tell them this isn’t something to worry about—unless it persists,” said Dr. King. “In cases where the hematospermia persists, gets worse, or is associated with other symptoms such as pain, difficulty urinating, or general health decline, medical attention is definitely recommended.” Back to your client, ME: If blood loads have happened to him before (hence the blasé reaction), proper etiquette dictates that he should have said something to you about it afterward (“I’m fine, no biggie”). If it happens to him regularly, he should have warned you in advance—at least that’s what it says in my imaginary edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette. I’m an old guy, 68 years old to be exact. (Also a Scorpio, if that matters.) I’ve always been a pretty horny person, and I had a lot of fun from the 1960s through the 1980s with a number of lovers. I figured that as I got older, my horniness would lessen and I could think about something other than pussy. Trouble is, I don’t seem to be less horny. I find myself attracted to women in their 30s or 40s, but I wonder how I appear to them. I don’t want to make an utter fool of myself by making an unwanted advance—but the truth is, I’m still pretty hot to trot. What do I do? Not Ready For The Nursing Home You could see sex workers (quickest fix), you could look for women in their 30s or 40s who are attracted to guys pushing 70 (gerontophilia is a thing), you could date women in their 50s or 60s with a youthful appearance and/or attitude (there are lots out there, NRFTNH, and they often gather in groups to complain about how men their age are only interested in much younger women), or you could do all of the above. But you shouldn’t regard moving into a nursing home as the end of your sex life, NRFTNH. I’m constantly reading news reports about sexually transmitted disease epidemics in nursing homes and retirement communities. People may not like to think about the elderly having sex—and the elderly apparently don’t think about protection (or they’re denied access to it)—but lots of old fuckers are still fucking. (And, as astrology is bullshit, NRFTNH, being a Scorpio doesn’t matter. It never has and it never will.) My husband has a foot fetish. The feel of his tongue between my toes when he “worships” my feet doesn’t arouse me in the least. Rather, it feels like I’m stepping on slugs in the garden barefoot. Our sex life is fine otherwise. I resolved to grin (or grimace) and bear this odd aspect of his sexuality before we married, but I cannot continue to do so. When I told him this, he asked to be allowed to attend “foot model” parties. There wouldn’t be intercourse, but he would pleasure himself in the presence of these foot models (and other males!). This would, in my opinion, violate our monogamous commitment and our marriage vows. I enjoy your podcast and I know you often advocate for open relationships. But you also emphasize your respect for monogamy and the validity of monogamous commitments. We are at an impasse. Please advise. Throwing Off Expectations While “love unconditionally” sounds nice, TOE, monogamy was a condition of yours going into this marriage (and a valid one), and being able to express this aspect of his sexuality was a stated or implicit condition of his (and, yes, an equally valid one). If you’re going to unilaterally alter the terms and conditions of your marriage, TOE, then you’ll need to reopen negotiations and come to a new agreement with your husband, one that works for both of you. (Jesus, lady, let him go to the fucking party!) On the Lovecast, Dan chats with Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood: savagelovecast.com. [email protected] @fakedansavage ITMFA.org