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The weekly sex advice column that started it all

Loaded Questions

Joe Newton

Dear Readers: I’m away this week, so we’re re-running a popular Q&A from a few years back. This column originally appeared in late June of 2018. I’ll be back next week with a brand-new column. — Dan


I am a 24-year-old straight guy who recently broke up with my girlfriend of more than four years. One of the reasons we broke up was a general lack of sexual compatibility. She had a particular aversion to oral sex—both giving and receiving. I didn’t get a blowjob the whole time we were together. Which brings me to why I am writing: One of my closest friends, “Sam,” is a gay guy. Shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, I was discussing my lack of oral sex with Sam, and he said he’d be willing to “help me out.” I agreed, and Sam gave me an earth-shattering blowjob. I was...

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...am gave me an earth-shattering blowjob. I was glad to get some and had no hang-ups about a guy sucking me. Since then, Sam has blown me three more times. My problem is I am starting to feel guilty and worry I am using Sam. He’s a very good buddy, and I’m concerned this lopsided sexual arrangement might be bad for our friendship. Sam knows I am not into guys and I’m never going to reciprocate, and I feel like this is probably not really fair to him. But these are literally the only blowjobs I’ve received since I was a teenager. What should I do? Totally Have Reservations Over Advantage Taking Only one person knows how Sam feels about this “lopsided sexual arrangement,” THROAT, and it isn’t me. Zooming out for a second: People constantly ask me how the person they’re fucking or fisting or flogging feels about the fucking or fisting or flogging. Guys write to ask why women ghosted them; women write to ask if their boyfriends are secretly gay. And while I’m happy to speculate, I’m not a mind reader. Which means I have no way of knowing for sure why some woman ghosted you or whether your boyfriend is gay. Or in your case, THROAT, I have no way of knowing how Sam feels about the four norecip blowjobs he’s given you. Only Sam knows. And that’s why I wrote you back, THROAT, and asked you for Sam’s contact information. Since you were clearly too afraid to ask Sam yourself (most likely for fear the blowjobs would stop), I offered to ask Sam on your behalf. I wasn’t serious—it was my way of saying, “You should ask Sam.” But you sent me Sam’s contact info, and a few minutes later I was chatting with Sam. “Yes, I have been sucking my straight friend’s cock,” Sam said to me. “And I am flattered he told you I was good at it. That’s an ego booster!” Sam, like THROAT, is 24 years old. He grew up on the East Coast and met THROAT early in his first year at college. Sam came out at the end of his freshman year, to THROAT and his other friends, and he now lives in a big city where he works in marketing when he isn’t sucking off THROAT. My first question for Sam: Are you one of those gay guys who gets off on “servicing” straight guys? “I’ve never done anything with a straight guy before this,” said Sam. “So, no, I’m not someone who is ‘into servicing straight guys.’ I have only ever dated and hooked up with gay guys before!” So, why offer to blow THROAT? “I didn’t know until after he broke up with his girlfriend that he hadn’t gotten a blowjob the whole time they were together—four years!” Sam said. “When I told him I’d be happy to help him out, I was joking. I swear I wasn’t making a pass at my straight friend! But there was this long pause, and then he got serious and said he’d be into it. I wondered for a minute if it would be weird for me to blow my friend, and there was definitely a bit of convincing each other that we were serious. When he started taking his clothes off, I thought, ‘So this is going to happen.’ It was not awkward after. We even started joking about it right away. I have sucked him off four more times since then.” For those of you keeping score at home: Either THROAT lost count of the number of times Sam has blown him—THROAT said Sam has blown him three more times after that first blowjob—or THROAT got a fifth blowjob in the time that elapsed between sending me his letter and putting me in touch with Sam. So, does this lopsided sexual arrangement—blowing a straight boy who’s never going to blow him back—bother Sam? “I suppose it is a ‘lopsided sexual arrangement,’” said Sam. “But I don’t mind. I really like sucking dick and I’m really enjoying sucking his dick. He has a really nice dick! And from my perspective, we’re both having fun. And, yes, I’ve jacked off thinking about it after each time I sucked him. I know—now—that he thinks it is a bit unfair to me. But I don’t feel that way at all.” So, there is something in it for Sam, THROAT. You get the blowjobs, Sam gets the memories. (Memories that he jerks off to later.) And Sam assumes that at some point, memories are all he’ll have. “He will eventually get into a relationship with a woman again, and our arrangement will end,” said Sam. “I only hope nothing is weird between us in the future because of what has happened in the past few weeks.” I had one last question: Sam is really good at sucking cock—he gives “earth-shattering” blowjobs, according to THROAT—but is THROAT any good at getting his cock sucked? As experienced cocksuckers know, a person can suck at getting their cock sucked: They can just lay/stand/sit there, giving you no feedback, or be too pushy or not pushy enough, etc. “That’s a really good question,” Sam said. “I have to say, he is very good at it. He really gets into it, he moans, he talks about how good it feels, and he lasts a long time. That’s part of what makes sucking his cock so much fun.” Dear Readers: It’s me again. I got a lot of letters in response to THROAT’s question. This one appeared in the column the following week. — Dan You ran a letter about a gay man (“Sam”) who has been sucking off his straight friend. Sam said he’s never done this before and isn’t turned on by the idea of “servicing straight guys.” I am a gay man who enjoys sucking off straight guys and I wanted to share my perspective. I’m not trying to “convert” them. I simply find that straight guys have less emotional baggage than most gay guys. A guy’s dick is his proudest possession. They like to have them admired, especially the straight guys who don’t often get much feedback about their dicks from women. I’m very skilled, so it’s a thrill for me to give a guy a lot of pleasure. I like doing things that make other folks happy, and sucking dick is something that’s appreciated. One guy I’ve known for about 20 years, and after many years apart, he is wanting to see me again. I don’t want a relationship; I don’t want to have to think about two people and have to adjust my plans. It’s hard enough to plan for just me. I prefer the friendship and the occasional dick sucking. They can always trust me to be straightforward with them. I will never take advantage of them, even when they get drunk. I like pleasing them and having their trust. And for the big question everybody asks: “Do you get lonely?” No, I don’t. I have all kinds of friends and lots of interests and hobbies. And from time to time, I get to suck a guy’s dick. Whatever Acronym Works Like most gay guys, WAW, you’ve got some baggage there of your own. You don’t want a relationship—and, hey, that’s fine! Not everyone wants to pair or triple or quad off, and not everyone has to want that. But you’re seeking out straight guys not because they have less baggage on average than gay guys (they don’t), but because straight guys won’t be interested in you romantically, and consequently won’t demand a commitment from you or ask you to prioritize their needs and feelings the way a boyfriend would. So it’s not that you and all the straight guys you’re sucking off are baggage-free, WAW, it’s that your baggage fits so neatly inside theirs that you can momentarily forget you’ve got any at all. Dear Readers: Dan again. Some of you are probably wondering how things turned out for THROAT and Sam. Did the blowjobs hit double digits? Did THROAT ever get a new girlfriend? Did things get weird? I would’ve asked for an update—I would like to know too—but I don’t keep emails on file, so I couldn’t reach back out. But if you’re out there, THROAT, and you see this, please send along an update. You too, Sam. — Dan questions@savagelove.net Listen to Dan on the Savage Lovecast. 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