Struggle Session: Nuanced Understandings, Asexual Identities, Divorce Contingencies, Basic Maintenance, and More…

...unbalanced relationship with an older man… I am a gay man. I’ve had relationships with men, some of which involved power imbalances; sometimes power imbalances I didn’t initially perceive. But I think my experiences as gay men gives me some understanding, if not a full understanding, of the dynamics at play when you’re dating men. I’ve had to negotiate relationships with men who were at times controlling, entitled, and even scary. (And to the men who felt I was controlling, entitled, or scary… I apologize.) I haven’t had to negotiate those relationships while also dealing with the pervasive and warping fear of male sexual violence, and that is — as they say — a privilege. There are lots of gay men out there in age-gap relationships; younger gay men often attract and/or are attracted to older gay men for the same reasons younger straight women attract and/or are attracted to older men. Our experiences are different, but there are similar themes/undercurrents. Anyway, I’m being defensive! To get to the larger point… I’m not suggesting that Leonardo DiCaprio’s relationships were fair and balanced. I was inferring — given his track record — that he may not be such a bad boyfriend, despite his preference for younger woman and short-term relationships, seeing as we haven’t heard anything negative from any of his exes. Like I said in my intro… absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. But it seems to me that it’s possible… just possible… DiCaprio isn’t the towering shit people who haven’t dated him insist he must be. If you have ten or more exes out there that TMZ would like to interview… and not one has a bad word to say about you… and we live at a time when NDAs are increasingly enforceable… maybe he’s not a monster. Also, age and wealth are not the only imbalances two (or more) people can bring to a relationship. There’s power in youth and beauty and, as we’ve seen with Armie Hammer, screenshots of a private conversation posted to Instagram account have the power to bring down a movie star. P.S. There are three ways to record a question or comment for the show: go Savage.Love/lovecast, and click on “record right now” in the banner at the top. You can also use the voice memo app on your phone to record a question or comment, and then email it to me at q@savage.love. And you can call 206-302-2064 and leave a message. Column comment thread superstar BiDanFan does the unthinkable… Not that I am disputing ACED’s own identity, but she also states that intercourse is painful for her post menopause and that her husband isn’t willing to engage in other forms of sex. Anyone would lose interest in sex if the only sex offered to them was painful. Sure, it is possible ACED has been asexual all along, and I’m going to give her the benefit of that doubt. But men need to understand more than they do about menopause. Mr ACED is concerned only with finding ways to have PIV intercourse; it hasn’t occurred to him that they could take PIV off the table and still have a happy sex life that involves oral, anal, outercourse, mutual masturbation and/or toys…. This letter has brought up the question of whether asexuals are born or made. I’m sure it’s some of each. There are people who went off sex because their partner(s) never made sex enjoyable for them. And there are people who had good lovers, but still weren’t into it. This is not to say asexuality isn’t valid or that an asexual is only one good lover away from allosexuality (which sounds suspiciously like claims that lesbians only need one good penis to turn them). It’s to say — straight men, step your pussies up! 🙂 It doesn’t sound like ACED has ever enjoyed any form of sexual activity. It wasn’t sex she wanted from her husband, it was kids (which she got); as much as she loved her husband, she never enjoyed having sex with him; for years (decades!), ACED thought there was something wrong with her. ACED’s journey-to-self-discovery sure sounds those I’ve heard from other asexual people. And if ACED’s husband refuses to gracefully accept blowjobs in place of PIV — which was never pleasurable for ACED, and now, post-menapause — is actually painful — I can’t imagine he’ll be thrilled about outercourse or ovipositors. WAE has some advice for CHARADE… I hope CHARADE gets a divorce, both for herself and for her children. Staying together “for the sake of the kids” never works. Her husband is in love with someone else. Both of them will feel trapped and resentful over time. The kids are, no doubt, already picking up on the stress and might feel guilty that their parents are enduring this “for them.” Staying together for the kids never works… except when it does. And we’re unlikely to hear about it when it does work because it worked. And by “worked,” I don’t mean, “These two people who hated each others’ guts and made each other and their children miserable managed to remain married until one did the other the favor of dropping dead.” I mean, “Two people worked through their issue — an affair, perhaps — and somehow managed to build a loving, constructive, and even affectionate partnership that was focused on raising their kids.” I think a certain kind of confirmation bias is at work when someone says, “Staying together for the sake of the kids” never works — because when two people stay together for the sake of the kids and manage to fall build a healthy, loving, and respectful partnership that isn’t a complete shitshow, other people tend to forget they stayed together for the kids initially. But when two people who stayed together for the kids break up, people — sometimes the same people — will say, “See? Staying together for the kids never works.” But. yeah, I obviously think CHARADE should think about leaving — I would leave, as I told her. But leaving is always easier said/advised/urged than done. Mike thinks I overlooked something in my response to the gay male caller in Episode 853 who wanted to open his relationship but whose partner flatly refused… Dan, I wish you had touched on how he had mentioned that he’s been taking care of his body and his husband is not. Andrew agreed with Mike… Yeah, this is what I came here to say. Dan doesn’t really engage with it, but the caller does go on at some length about how he goes to the gym, while his husband doesn’t, and he wishes his husband was willing to put in some effort on his behalf. Which is a totally understandable sentiment, but he then very explicitly links that sentiment to his desire to have an open marriage. So, I wonder if the caller thinks he’s saying, “Honey, I love you, but for reasons X, Y and Z that are unrelated to you, I want to open our relationship,” and the husband hears, “Honey, you’re fat and unattractive, and I want to find someone on the side who I actually find attractive and want to fuck.” Minor Offense adds… I had the same thought. I personally think it’s very important to take care of your health and general appearance while in a relationship but I have known (and also dated) people who feel like upkeep only needs to be done when searching for a partner and once you’re in a relationship it’s ok to “let it all go.” I did wonder if the caller’s attraction had faded partially because of that since mine would. But I’m not sure how to address that without being hurtful. And I’m not sure how to address this issue — one partner’s weight gain — without being accused of fatphobia. But for the record… I think basic maintenance, i.e., making an effort to take care of ourselves, is one way we demonstrate to our partners that we aren’t taking them for granted. But we should all know — going in — that bodies and priorities change. We should also remember that desire wanes without anyone “letting it all go.” Hell, sometimes people get into better shape — by conventional standards — then they were at the start of a relationship and desire still fades away and/or doesn’t kick back in. Instead of confronting the larger and scarier and perhaps unsolvable problem of sustaining desire in long-term relationships… it’s easier to pin the blame on something we can see. My conversation on the Lovecast last week Dr. Rachel Gelman — during which we discussed how some women really and truly need vibrators in order to come and we wondered aloud whether thoughtful straight guys should start keeping vibrators in their nightstands (and just as quickly concluded they should not) — wound up dragging Minor Offence down repressed memory lane… I dated a guy who had a small vibrator in his bedside table that he would use on me and I never thought about if it was new or not and now I feel a little sick. Also, I did begin having sex again at six weeks postpartum because i really wanted to. I know I’m in the minority there but I did. I also got my period back eight weeks postpartum — despite exclusively breastfeeding, which is supposed to delay your period. I wonder if those are connected, like Nature wanting me to make more babies? Here’s hoping that straight guy washed his vibrator between uses, MO, just like he washed his dick between uses. (That said, Rachel and I decided straight guys definitely shouldn’t keep vibrators around, since most straight guys can’t even be trusted to wash their sheets.) As for Nature, MO, yeah… Nature wants you to make as many babies as possible. You, me, everybody. I’ve sometimes laughed about what Nature wanted from me after I ejaculated in a guy. You can’t tell me what to do, Mother Nature! You can’t force me to pass my genes along, Charles Darwin! Another alternative for the potentially-loaded terms “childless”/”childfree,” this one via email from Charles: “Not a parent.” Last word on “childless”/”childfree” goes to Tex Horowitz, Jewish Cowboy, who shared this in the comment thread… My wife and I decided not to have kids when we got married 30 years ago. We’re still married, still no kids. I don’t use “childless” or “child free.” When it comes up, I just tell people, “We don’t have kids.” It’s a few more syllables than “childless” or “child free,” but it sounds more natural. “Childess,” “child free,” and, “child free by choice,” all sound like we’re making a stand on principle. We [didn’t.] We just decided not to have kids. It’s not a big deal. Another Rachel — via email— shared a suggestion for the caller who was wondering how to get things rolling at the first sex party they planned to host… Feedback for the caller on Episode 852 who wants to host a sex party with his friends. A good ice-breaker is a game called “spin the lube bottle.” Take a bottle (doesn’t have to be lube, but bonus points if it is!) and play spin the bottle. Whoever spins proposes an interaction with the person it lands on. Could be a kiss, a foot massage, a BJ, or anything else. If the person the bottle landed on is game, go for it! If not, the person the bottle landed on proposes an alternate interaction. Negotiations continue until they find a mutually agreeable interaction. It’s fun for the participants, and for the observers! Shout-out to SheBop, the feminist sex shop, for the idea. I learned about this at one of their workshops. I’ve had a lot of fun with it and hope the caller does too! Some suggestions, via Facebook, for the caller who was wondering if it was a bad idea to attend a swingers hotel takeover with a male friend she has a secret crush on. I thought it was a bad idea — one that potentially set the caller up for heartbreak (how was the caller going to feel if her secret crush ran off to fuck other women?) — but Katherine disagrees… Curious what other men think. I kind of imagined he read between the lines and thought, “Oh, you want to fuck me? But you need a nudge to do it? I’m down!” That’s the polar opposite of what Dan guessed. Says Erica… IDK but this sounds like a great beginning to a spicy romance novel. Friends to lovers, light kink elements, only one bed, 80,000 words. Says Aleatha… It was a bad idea only because you (the caller) have feelings for him. But I believe he was hoping to have sex with you or he wouldn’t have accepted your invitation. Tell him that you are afraid that this swinger event may change your relationship. Or you can tell him how you feel and explain to him this is not how you would like your intimate relationship to begin. Being straight with him and with yourself is for the best. Hm… I’m trying to imagine a world full of straight men willing to accept invitations to parties full of unattached women who wanna fuck men they’ve never met and never wanna see again from women they don’t want to fuck… and it’s not hard to imagine that world… because we’re living in it. Knowing what I know about men, straight and otherwise, I think a guy would accept an invitation to a party like that from someone he didn’t want to fuck. And considering how hurt the caller would be if the worst were to happen… I don’t think she should risk it. If the caller wants to fuck her friend and thinks he might wanna fuck her, she shouldn’t invite him to a hotel full of swingers in the hopes that, out of all the women he could fuck at that event, he’ll want to fuck her. Which is why I advised that caller to tell her friend the truth and go solo if he wasn’t interested in fucking her — or, if she couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth, to claim a recent COVID exposure, disinvite the guy she had a crush on, and sneak off to the party on her own. And finally… Kevan has a suggestion if the caller isn’t comfortable claiming COVID exposure… Any good introvert can tell her how to get out of any social function. I have a standard reason, I’m an artist. Sometimes I am feeling way too creative to go out. I must have time for composition. When you are an artist, people accept you as being a delicate genius. I’ve been using this tactic for 30 years now.