STRUGGLE SESSION: Why Do All These Homosexuals (Who Aren’t My Boyfriend) Keep Sucking My Cock? Plus Whorephobes, Cuntstruck, Hooking Listeners Up, and More!

...cently out gay man who wanted monogamy but didn’t think he could find another gay man who also wanted monogamy… Regarding #5 in this week’s column: My husband and I had a conversation from the outset about whether we wanted to be monogamous or open in some capacity. I was ok with either, he wanted to be monogamous — and monogamous we’ve been for seventeen years. We did also have a conversation where we clarified what monogamy means in our relationship and we settled on, “You can look but you can’t touch.” This has been so helpful for me to know where the line is and while I’ve definitely peered over the line, I’ve never crossed it and neither has he. I wouldn’t give up monogamy if that’s something you want. There are other gay guys out there that want to be monogamous and would want you as a partner. Just be clear about what you want and what that means. Andrew also had some advice for the LW #5… You don’t need to meet a whole lot of guys who prefer monogamy. If you want monogamy, you only need to meet one. Of course, when you go out and meet guys, you’ll meet more of them who don’t want monogamy, because a high proportion of gay guys who want monogamy are now in relationships. Having this kind of demand for a partner calls for patience, but if you want one exclusive partner in your life, it’s worth the patience. Good advice, Crashing35 and Andrew, and thanks for weighing in. But after re-reading LW #5’s question… I find myself wondering whether LW #5 actually wants monogamy. While it’s true many gay couples are open from the start and most gay couples eventually come to an agreement that allows for some outside sexual contact — and this is a good thing, marriage historian Stephanie Coontz argued in the New York Times, and something she urges straight couples to emulate — LW’s #5 willingness to compromise on monogamy before he’s made any effort to find someone like your husband, Crash35, has me wondering whether it’s monogamy he wants or cover. It’s possible LW #5 is so deep in pre-despair over of his inability — his anticipated inability — to ever find a monogamous gay male partner that he’s already willing to compromise. But it’s just as likely LW #5 doesn’t want monogamy at all but doesn’t want to admit it and/or take responsibility for it. Some guys would rather blame gay culture and/or their imaginary gay boyfriends than admit that monogamy isn’t what they really want. (“Look, I wanted monogamy because I’m one of the good ones — maybe even the last good one — but there are no other monogamous gays out there so I have no choice but to let all these homosexuals suck my cock. Sadly, that’s the price I paid for love.”) I mean, I can’t be the only one who thinks it’s a little suss that LW #5 is willing to give up so quickly on something he claims is so important to him, right? Says Kaykay… Re: the caller who was worried about her 60-year-old dad: I was really pissed (and surprised) that you didn’t push back at the caller for mentioning the woman’s former employment as a stripper. I could hear the disgust dripping from the caller’s voice when she said “ex stripper” — and it was one of the first things she mentioned, as if stripping is a job only awful and disgusting people do. I know you don’t believe that, but lots of people do, so it would have been a nice little gift to us former and current sex workers for you to mention that in your response. You’re right, Kaykay — I should’ve called that caller on her whorephobia. Says Walid… I have a beef with Dan’s answer to LW #6, the question about a sexless marriage. Dan’s very correct answer was, “ask them if they wanna work on reconnecting.” But that was just eight words of the answer, which then went into detail about what to do if the answer is “no” or if you have cause to suspect a secret “no.” Dan, marriages go sexless for lots of reasons and working to reconnect is important and hard and sometimes no one knows how to do it. I would advise a couple that wants to work on reconnecting to start small and keep things mutual: “Give me a small thing to change this coming week and here’s a suggestion for a small thing to change yourself during the same period.” Or, “Tell me one thing I’ve been doing that got on your nerves but you were afraid to tell me.” Yes, marriages go sexless for all sorts of reasons and reconnecting can be difficult even when both partners sincerely want to reconnect. And whether you’re talking reconnecting, BDSM, swinging, etc., taking “baby steps” is always good advice: setting small, achievable goals — and achieving them — builds trust and confidence. But if one person is only pretending they wanna reconnect, well, starting small and keeping things mutual won’t make much of a difference. Reconnecting is hard, even when both partners want it;  reconnecting when only one partner wants it… that’s impossible. People should take their partners at their words, of course, identify the small/baby steps they can take together, and try to be patient. But if nothing changes… okay, maybe you didn’t start small enough and you need to start over and start smaller. Or maybe your partner told you what you wanted to hear and what you it’s very different — and very big — conversation you need to have. LW #4 in this month’s Quickies column asked me to come up with a gender-neutral honorific — something customer service workers could use on the phone — and I suggested “homo.” (Short for “homo sapiens,” you maniacs. I’m a big fan of genuses!) Three Eyes had a different idea… “My liege” comes to mind, and the more I learn the more I like it. Merriam-Webster defines it as gender-neutral AND egalitarian. It can mean both a feudal superior and a subject who owes fealty to that superior. Huzzah! Seems a little cringe/Medieval Times and likely to be read as sarcasm. Zapote has a better suggestion… I respectfully suggest we adopt the Spanish slang word “compa,” short for compañero/compañera. It means companion or comrade, and is used the way Aussies use “mate.” One can have a “compa de trabajo” (workmate), a “compa de casa” (housemate), or one can just say “hola compa” to mean “hi, friend/buddy.” It’s non-gendered, and likely to be relatively easy for most English speakers to remember, spell, and pronounce! We could also follow Jleigh’s lead and do away with potentially problematic honorifics entirely… I co-own a restaurant with my partner, and I have found dropping “sir” or “ma’am” entirely has not been that difficult. I can still address customers with convivial semi-formality without bringing presumed gender identity into it at all — and without a made-up substitution word that might be off-putting in its own way. It’s too bad “dude” didn’t catch on as a gender-neutral form of address. Ilana and Abbi tried to show us the way… …but we didn’t get there, dude. Speaking of words, words, words: LW #12 wanted “a word for the man who you are the mistress of.” TedtheBellhop suggested MIEUFB (Male Identified Emotionally Unavailable Fuck Buddy); SomeGuyInTheComments suggested “paramour,” defined by Merriam-Webster as “an illicit or secret lover”; Stephanie suggested “goombah,” the male version of “goomah” (and no doubt deeply problematic for all sorts of reasons); and Muriel suggests “AP” (short for “affair partner”). BiDanFan highlights the gender neutrality of another term… Dan! I was so thrilled to hear you embrace the term wank/wanking. This is a brilliant, gender-neutral term for masturbation and I hope you can help it catch on across the pond. I’ve used “wanking” and “jerkin off” interchangeably for decades — but “jerking off” does seem masc/bio male/penis-having while “wank” could mean anyone and anything. A new listener emails… I nearly drove off the road listening to the 58-year-old man who got into kink in his last relationship. I am a cis woman that also discovered that side of myself after ending my marriage  2 ½ years ago. Unfortunately, I explored it with someone who was not emotionally available and I longed for the deeper connection that this type of play could bring if I was with someone who was emotionally available. I was so impressed with the thoughtfulness of “kink man” — the way he stayed out of the dating world until he was feeling emotionally intact (as much as we ever are!) — and moved by how he talked about the deeper emotional connection he had with his partner as they explored kink together. I know you are NOT a dating site, Dan, but would you ever be able to pass on my email and first name to this gentleman? I’m sorry but my lawyers have strongly warned me against putting my readers and listeners in touch with each other. But there’s nothing I can do to stop my readers and listeners from reaching out to each other in the comment threads on my column and podcast at savage.love — just sayin’. Another listener felt the same way about our kinky caller… The 58-year-old cis straight male on your Feb. 27th show who asked about whether and how to mention his kink cravings on dating apps … this sounds like a question I asked on Savage Love Live when I inquired how to approach new dates/partners about my kink-lite leanings without scaring them off. So, I’ll take a long-shot chance here: If this 58-year-old kinky man is in the New England area…. we’re looking for the same thing: a real relationship that also includes kink fun. If he’s cool with a slightly older woman, pass on my email address! Sorry, I can’t pass your email on. (To the kinky 58-year-old male caller: dude, if you’re reading Struggle Session today, jump into the comments and make your presence known! Okay, one last thing I got wrong this week: like a lot of people, I first heard the term “cuntstruck” when it came out of Nicholas Holt’s (very pretty) mouth in The Favorite (2018) and mistakenly/stupidly/wrongly assumed the screenwriters came up with it. Seamus corrected me via email… First off, all hail the neologism queen! But for the record, “cuntstruck” is a much older word than you made out. The Oxford Dictionary of Modern Slang has attestation back to 1890, and that’s just the first written record; I find it hard to believe the 18th century could have existed without the term. Cuntstruck fell out of use at some point in the 20th century — except in Australia. So, you can thank the filthy Australians for keeping this one alive until Tony MacNamara — also an Australian — and Deborah Davis saw fit to include it in their screenplay for The Favourite. And in the cruelest blow of all… says Adrianna via email… Cuntstruck is a word we grew up hearing in Newfoundland, Canada, which made me think it had to be Irish or English since that’s where a lot of us come from. So, I looked it up and turns out cuntstruck is in the Oxford English Dictionary! Cuntstruck is in the OED and the one true definition of pegging is not?!? What is going to take, OED, what is it going to take? Alright, one last item of business before we end this Struggle Session: our Muppet-Faced Man of the Week is… Aaron Jackson from DICKS: The Musical. OMG, that smile!