STRUGGLE SESSION: Super Hero Movies (And the Sex-Advice Columnists Who Hate Them), No-Good Men (And the Women Who Wanna Fuck Them), Wannabe Parents (And the Friends They Need Around Them), and More!

...a second time that truck owners are modifying their trucks to burn coal. While they are “rolling coal” they are not actually burning coal. They have modified their vehicles so that more diesel fuel is being dumped into the engine than can be fully burned.  The incomplete combustion of diesel fuel is the source of the thick black smoke. I am in no way supporting this disgusting, rude practice.  Just thought you should know. Thank you for the correction, Jeff. ZotDragon came swinging into the comments with another important correction… I’m sure Dan was being facetious in Episode 914, but the quote “With great power comes great responsibility” was originally written by Stan Lee in Amazing Fantasy #15, the first appearance of Spider-Man. But since Shakespeare is (incorrectly) credited with creating 1700 new words in English, I can see why Dan would misattribute the quote. InspiredDesires responded… I’m absolutely not sure Dan was being facetious — Dan’s knowledge of super hero anything is very, very limited. He’s talked before about not being very into super hero movies. Point of clarification: saying I’m not into super hero movies is an understatement. I absolutely fucking loathe super hero movies.  But while I don’t get most super hero references, I’m pretty good with my biblical and Shakespearean references; so, while I didn’t know where “great power/great responsibility” came from, I knew it wasn’t from the Bible or one of Shakespeare’s plays or sonnets. Some excellent advice for LW #5 in this month’s Quickies column — she was the woman who hated men but was nevertheless sexually attracted to the bastards — from superstar commenter BiDanFan: 5. *Raises hand* OK, so you have never had sex with a man, don’t like men, don’t want an emotional connection with a man. But you’re sexually attracted to men? You don’t want to bang a stranger, you don’t want to get to know someone via dating, and you don’t want to be friends with a man so that you can introduce benefits. How about just embracing the status quo? You’ve been happily having sex, presumably, only with yourself up until now and it sounds like that is working for you. If you want companionship, perhaps try living with a female bestie, who may or may not be celibate herself. Otherwise, fear not — the fully functional sex robots will be with us by the time your 40s are out. I’m guessing the status quo isn’t working for LW #5. Because if it was working — if LW #5 was satisfied was fine with solo sex and avoiding men — she wouldn’t be as upset as she seems to be and she wouldn’t have asked me to a refer her to the kind of advice columnist she hoped could help, e.g., the woman kind. And if she’s seeking help, she’s seeking help to make changes, not to keep things as they are now. ‘ And while we’re on the subject of LW #5… ‘ She assumed her question would piss me off. For the record: LW #5 did not piss me off — hell, it didn’t even raise my heart rate. But she’s a good example of a particular kind of LW: The Ruler Outer. She laid out her problem — into men, a virgin, unhappy about it — and then proceeds to rule out all possible solutions: she doesn’t wanna get to know a man she might wanna fuck (because men suck) and she doesn’t want to fuck a man she doesn’t know (because that fills her with anxiety). She didn’t rule out sex robots, it’s true, but I imagine she would’ve if sex robots had occurred to her. ‘ Because what Ruler Outers want, in my experience, isn’t a solution, it’s sympathy. (Which is often deserved!) Think of all the letters I get from people trapped in sexless marriages who first rule out asking for an open relationship and then rule out cheating. Since they must know there isn’t a magical third option that would allow them to have sex outside their relationships without violating the monogamous commitments they made to their spouses, I have to assume these Ruler Outers, like LW #5, just need to vent and get a little sympathy. ‘ Speaking of excellent advice (and superstar commenters): Mathis and Lea hit three different LWs — #4, #18, #23 — with the big C: communicate! (I want to say something like, “communicating always helps,” but there are cases where that isn’t true.) And PleasantvilleMafia absolutely nailed LW #8’s partner with this comment: Self-lacerating meltdowns have become the socially approved way people emotionally abuse their partners. They aren’t abusing you, just sharing their feels, but the reality is they are holding your kindness hostage. Writer needs to leave and go full cut off immediately, because they will try to keep their claws in them and prevent them from leaving. Ask how I know. A caller on Episode 912 of the Lovecast was saddened to learn that her ENM relationship with a poly married man suddenly had an expiration date on it: he was trying to have a baby with his primary partner and they would be returning (reverting? resorting?) to monogamy — and ending their outside relationships — the moment they found out they were pregnant. Says Inspired Desires (father of three)… I’m going to push back on the consensus for the poly person facing the end of her relationship with the couple with the future baby. For several reasons. First, it plays into the notion that parents must devote everything they are to the child. This is bad for parents, bad for children and bad for relationships. Parents need autonomy, independence and opportunities to reclaim their own identity. Along with breaks from their children! Yes, the first few months are all hands on deck, no time or energy for anything else. Even for monogamous people though, you should maintain your friendships, your relationships with your family, your relationships with your other children, and your relationship with yourself. The caller’s boyfriend still wants her in his life. Indeed, that was part of the problem: she was worried the pain of being around but no longer with her future-ex-boyfriend would be too great. So, it doesn’t sound like her boyfriend and his wife are planning to isolate themselves from friends and family once they have that baby. But your point is well-taken, Inspired: too many parents have internalized the harmful message that parents must isolate themselves and devote  their time and attention to their kid(s), if only to avoid being perceived as bad parents. While that belief might seem to be in the best interests of the children, it’s actually bad for kids — and the couples — as it places avoidable strain on the relationship. Adults need other adults in their lives. And there’s something worse for the kid(s) than mom and dad — or mom & mom or dad & dad or parent 1 & parent 2 — seizing those opportunities to reclaim their own identity: mom and dad cracking up and/or splitting up under the strain. The very first thing my mom did when she came to visit us after our son was born? Insist that Terry and I go to dinner together, just the two of us, like we used to. She assured us she could operate a baby bottle and change a diaper, ordered some pizza for her and my stepfather, and pushed us out the door. My mom’s advice back then: “It’s only when you’re alone together — as a couple — that you remember why you liked each other so much you wanted to have a kid together in the first place. Now, get the fuck out.” (Full disclosure: my mom didn’t use her words to say, “Now, get the fuck out,” she used a held tilt toward the door and a wave of her hand that let us know we weren’t going to win this argument.) Ken K has some questions about my response to the caller whose boyfriend — of less than a year — told all of his friends and his parents about her decision to get her tubes tied: Dan, you are asking the boyfriend to get in the closet with his girlfriend? You suggested he lie (by omission) to his own mother by saying, “It’s too early to talk about that [with you].” What happens five years later, when they are married and don’t have kids and the mother asks? Don’t you think that leads to a lot of trouble between the mother and son? The caller and her boyfriend have been dating for less than a year. So, no, his mommy didn’t need to know — at this stage in their relationship — about the private medical decision the caller has made about her own reproductive system. (If he had told his mother that his partner didn’t want to have kids, that would be one thing. But that’s not what he told her.) If things between the caller and her boyfriend were more serious — if they had moved in together other or had gotten engaged — he may have needed to let his mother know about the choice he was making with his partner not have kids. (She made that choice before they got serious, he made that choice after he got serious about her.) Even then, the caller’s boyfriend wouldn’t necessarily need to tell his mom exactly how he and his partner (the caller) intended to avoid having kids. Says CW about my response to LW #10… #10) every lesbian everywhere rolling their eyes. Six months is too early to move in? Puh-lease 😉 Lesbians have a reputation — an earned one — for moving in with each other right away. Which is good for U-Haul franchisees and divorce lawyers, but not so good for lesbians. Says Delta35... Re: the opening rant and the call about people posting videos on TikTok about alleged cheaters wearing wedding rings while cruising dating apps: OMG. What is it with Gen Z policing the relationships of others? Including shaming age-gap relationships between adults and older adults, complaining about sex in movies/TV (just watch something else!), etc.? This sex fascism from the left is almost as bad as the anti-sex fascism on the right — but not quite as bad. Why can’t people accept others for who they are and live and let live? Kids today — not dating, not fucking, just judging. I suspect, as is the case with so many judgmental assholes on the right, that a lot of the judging and shaming coming from Gen Z kids is motivated by jealousy and resentment. When you’re not getting any — or you ascribe to a belief system that prevents you from getting what you want — telling people who are getting some that they’re doing it wrong is a common coping mechanism. In defense of Gen Z scolds (#NotAllGenZ), I think most of them will outgrow their sex-and-relationship negativity and become more open-minded as they live and learn. The same can’t be said for older anti-sex conservatives; they may have lived, but they’ve refused to learn. Just as the moral posturing of Clinton- and Bush-era “virtuecrat” figures like Bill Bennett was an act, I’m confident the judging and shaming coming from Gen Z kids (some, not all) is an act too. But I’m confident that Gen Z kids will become more tolerant as they age — unlike Bennett and other rightwing virtuecrats, who revealed themselves to be the shameless hypocrites we always suspected them of being when Trump ate the GOP. (If you’re old enough to remember Bill Bennett and his bullshit Book of Virtues, this takedown of Bennett by Jill Lawrence at The Bulwark is worth your time.) This wasn’t in column or on the podcast, but I wanted to weigh in regardless: a hypothetical woman in hypothetical relationship with a hypothetical high-status male hottie wants to give tolyamory a chance… A very attractive high status man in his late twenties can easily have casual sex with many women. He is in love with his girlfriend but wants to continue to have lots of casual sex. She says she is willing to try a one sided open relationship. What is your advice for him? — Diana S. Fleischman (@sentientist) April 29, 2024 A plurality of Diana’s followers want this hypothetical male hottie to embrace monogamy instead of accepting the offer his partner made — they want this hypothetical hottie to embrace the relationship model he’s already rejected — because a lot of monogamous people are either so insecure or so irrational (#NotAllMonogamousPeople) that they think everyone should be monogamous… even people who know monogamy isn’t right for them and are therefore unlikely to honor a monogamous commitment they made not because they wanted to, but because other people thought they should. Personally, I would wanna know why this hypothetical girlfriend proposed a one-sided open relationship before voting. The assumption made by most of the people who voted in Diana’s poll is that the hypothetical woman who proposed the one-sided open relationship must be unhappy about it. If it’s going to make her miserable, that obviously won’t work. But not everyone who agrees to a one-sided open relationship is unhappy about it. She may have proposed this because she’s not interested in fucking other people and doesn’t care whether he does — so long as he’s considerate and discreet. Or she may have proposed this because she’s turned on by the idea of a one-sided open relationship — hell, she may wanna be there to watch. (Cuckqueans are rare, but they exist.) And some women put up with high-status male partners who cheat on them — lots of women practice tolyamory — because they’ve concluded the rewards of having a high-status partner (financial and otherwise) are more important to them than sexual exclusivity. Okay, that’s it for this week’s Struggle Session! One last item of business before I fuck off for the day: Our Muppet-Faced Man of the Week is… singer, songwriter and former YouTuber Conan Gray! P.S. And please… if you spot a typo, let me no in the comments!