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... were supposed to try again, but he told me he just couldn’t. He has zero sexual desire. He has not seen a medical doctor for any tests, although his oncologist told him a few years ago that there is nothing medically wrong with him anymore. My patience is running out. If he doesn’t want sex, that’s fine. But he shouldn’t deny me the right to get my needs met. Am I wrong? BTW, I’m 63 years old and retired, and he’s 57 years old and works full time from home. We have a beautiful home and get along well with the exception of sex. Something has to change. I am not looking to end the relationship. I’ve tried to get him on board so that I don’t feel like I’m betraying and cheating on him, to no avail. I welcome any advice. Wants And Needs The Sex Anyone who’s been reading my column for more than three months knows what I’m gonna say in response to this question — DWYNTDTSMAS — so I’m gonna say something else instead. We know from our own personal experiences and from the experiences of others that two people can be in love without being on the same page at the same time. One person might be ready to have a big “define the relationship” conversation before the other is ready. One person might be ready to say, “I love you,” before the other is ready to hear it or say it back. One person may want monogamy and the other person may not want a sexually exclusive relationship. One person might be ready to get engaged or married or pregnant before the other is ready for marriage and/or kids. We talk about these discordant moments with our friends and families — moments when we aren’t on the exact same page with our romantic partners — and we watch these conflicts play out in romcoms and sitcoms. So, we often know before we find ourselves in a relationship where we’re not on the same page with our partner that it’s possible for two people to get on the same page — about marriage or monogamy or kids — because we’ve seen it done, we’ve heard about it being done, and we may have done it ourselves once or twice already. No couple gets on the same page about everything, of course, but no relationship goes the distance — no relationship lasts decades — if a couple can’t get on the same page about the big things. Defining the relationship, getting engaged, getting married, whether to have kids: since most of the big things we have to get on the same page about come early in a relationship, once we’ve resolved them it’s easy to coast along thinking these kinds of conversations are behind us. And then we’re blindsided when our partner is done with sex — for whatever reason — and we aren’t. Alright, WANTS, my heart goes out to you and your partner. Having a brain tumor removed and going through chemo and getting a stem-cell transplant had to be incredibly stressful — for both of you. The collapse of your partner’s libido could be tied to the health challenges he faced or it could be a coincidence, as some people lose interest in sex as they age. If your partner truly doesn’t miss sex, WANTS, he might not be motivated to see a doctor to address his libido issues. Or if he’s not interested in having sex with you anymore — which is a thing that sometimes happens after decades together (forgive me for being blunt) — he might not wanna see a doctor because an unaddressed medical condition and/or hormonal imbalance gives him an out that (he thinks) spares your feelings. There are a few ways to resolve this issue: You press the issue and your partner refuses to give you permission to discreetly seek sex elsewhere — he demands that you honor the monogamous commitment you made back when he was fucking you — and you never get to have sex again for the rest of your life. You press the issue and your partner gives you permission — tacitly or explicitly — to discreetly seek sex elsewhere; your relationship becomes tolyamorous (tacit permission) or DADT (explicit), and you never have to talk about sex again with your partner. You press the issue and your partner refuses to give you permission to seek sex elsewhere but you give yourself permission to do what you need to do to stay married and stay sane and you pray you never get caught. So, you’re gonna have to press the issue, WANTS, as that’s your only hope for getting on same page with your partner about this final issue. And if you can’t manage to get on the same page with him, WANTS, then you’ll have to choose between options one and three. Good luck. P.S. I’m going to re-up my call here for couples who are getting serious — couples who are talking about moving in together, getting married, having kids — to have a conversation now about what you will do if and/or when one you is done with sex and the other one isn’t. After over a decade of monogamy, my boyfriend and I are opening things up with threesomes. Our current ground rules are simple: We share a profile on one hookup app, and we only play together. It’s been fun so far but some differences in style/approach are emerging. I may exchange woofs with someone, but I don’t write to someone until I have a chance to check with my partner about whether he would be interested in them too. He engages men directly and without checking with me first. I am careful to use “we” statements and make it about both of us when I write to someone; a couple of times now, he’s gotten into direct flirtations in our feed about him and the other guy. He tells me not to worry, it’s just the initial flirtation, and he always plans to bring me in “at some point.” But I can’t help feeling like a third wheel then. Another issue — and maybe this is just a personal preference — but if someone can’t communicate about their safer sex practices and HIV status in a profile that’s a red flag for me. (I believe U=U, so not about a particular status, just about awareness and communication.) But partner charges in, writes to people with vague profiles based on physical attraction alone, and says we can figure it out later. He insinuates that I’m foreclosing things prematurely when I can’t see the information I want to see right away. Things are starting to accumulate and turn into resentments. How do we keep this fun? Communications Have Amplified Tensions You have a shared account on that hookup app, CHAT, which means you see every message your partner swaps with other men. If your profile makes it clear you’re a package deal (“we only play together”) — along with listing your HIV status and safer sex practices — then the guys your boyfriend messages are aware of your existence. If your profile doesn’t make the package deal nature of your open relationship explicit, you need to update your profile. Now, asking your boyfriend to run a guy by you before swapping dick pics — if only to make sure this other guy is someone you also wanna fuck — is entirely reasonable. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be out there writing checks with his dick that your ass may not wanna cash. So long as he brings you in when the chats shift from flirtations to logistics, your boyfriend can tell himself he’s not violating the letter of your agreement. But if you’re reading chats where guys bail after your boyfriend attempts to “bring you in,” CHATS, or your boyfriend is sending messages that make it sound like he might be available solo, he’s definitely violating the spirit of your agreement. Your newly opened relationship isn’t going to be a happy one — or a lasting one — if your boyfriend’s online activities leave you feeling hurt and insecure. If he cares about your feelings, he needs to course correct. That said, CHATS, it’s not uncommon for two people in a newly open relationship to experience this kind of conflict. One partner in a newly open relationship carefully sticks to the facts — just on the apps to establish interest, discuss safety concerns, and set a time to meet up for a shared erotic experience — while other enjoys the erotic affirmation and attention so much that chatting all by itself is a rewarding erotic experience. Now that you two know you have different styles when it comes to making contacts, you need to work out a compromise — you need to get on the same page — about how you’re going to make this work. With a little effort, CHATS, you should be able to find a compromise approach/middle ground that makes you feel comfortable (he runs a guy by you first, he drops a few “we” bombs in these chats right away) but allows your boyfriend to enjoy the charge he gets out of flirting with other guys (he doesn’t get in trouble for enjoying hot chats, you don’t pour over every contact for signs of betrayal). On the HIV status and safer sex practices front, CHATS, I’m going to side with your boyfriend: it’s not a red flag when a guy doesn’t include his HIV status or safer sex practices on his profile. If you ask a guy about his HIV status and safer sex practices and he reacts defensively and/or refuses to answer your questions directly, that’s a red flag. P.S. A quick message for CHAT’s boyfriend: If you invest a lot of time, energy, and dick pics in a guy who isn’t interested in playing with you and your boyfriend, you may find yourself tempted to meet up with that guy on your own. Creating temptation doesn’t mean succumbing to temptation — some people can enjoy temptation without succumbing — but if temptation is something you have a hard time resisting, you might wanna stick to logistics. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love