Quickies

...ap.org/2022/10/25/ace-week-22-sex-repulsed-averse-part-i/">sex-repulsed asexuals recoiling from sex scenes in movies to asexual sluts racking up impressive body counts — is as vast as it is unfalsifiable, and you have just as much right to locate yourself on it as anyone else. P.S. If there were prenatal genetic tests for sexual orientation, evangelical churches would open abortion clinics in their basements. 3. What do you do if you want to be a gay fisting top but you have really, really big hands? Seeing as there are gay power bottoms out there literally sitting on traffic cones — you don’t have to take my word for it (link NSFW) — finding an experienced fisting bottom capable of accommodating one or more of your really, really, really big hands shouldn’t be that hard. (For the record: I don’t doubt your hands are big — I’m not questioning how your hands identify — but however big they are, they’re not bigger than traffic cones.) 4. Is it bad to hold it in right as you are about to reach the point of orgasmic inevitability?  What’s the “it” we’re talking about holding in? If the “it” is a fart, you should definitely hold it in. If the “it” is a butt plug, you should try your best to hold it in. (But there’s no shame in having an orgasm so powerful the butt plug pops out of your ass like a champagne cork and ricochets around the room.) If the “it” is a giggle, knowing how your partner feels about laughter during sex (some love, some hate) would inform your choice. And if the “it” is your load — if you’re one of those idiots practicing semen retention for its (unproven and most likely non-existent) health benefits — then holding it in is absolutely necessary, as your entire personality is based on retaining your semen. (Read it and weep, semen retaining weirdos: “Semen retention… a practice that is not supported by current literature and which has been shown to have potential adverse health effects.”) 5. Tips for getting someone all the way down your throat when their dick is curved? A dick that curves downward will slide down your throat pretty easily when you’re kneeling in front of it. With a dick that curves upward, you either need to hang the dude you’re blowing from his ankles (so you can slide his dick down your throat) or lay them down on the bed and get on top of them facing their ankles (so you can slide your throat down his dick). If that dick curves to the left or right, you’ll need to get to a position opposite to the curve — on the left or the right — to slide that dick down your throat. 6. Best way to bring up opening up a relationship? It’s best to bring it up early — even if it’s just a hypothetical — because bringing it up after you’ve made a monogamous commitment, gotten married, and had kids is going to feel like a violation. And remember: saying, “I’d like to open our relationship,” to your partner is a lot like saying, “I’m gay,” to your parents or saying, “Childless cat ladies are miserable [and] want to make the rest of the country miserable, too,” into a live mic. It’s not something you can unsay and there’s a good chance you’ll wind up divorced, disowned, or despised for having said it. 7. I’ve heard you talk about mpox twice on your podcast now and recommend the vax for gay and bi men but what about women who sleep with bi men with male partners? Do we need to get vaxxed too?  “The CDC recommends the two-dose Jynneos vaccine for people at risk of mpox,” said Benjamin Ryan, a health and science journalist who has extensively covered mpox. “This most notably includes men who have multiple male sex partners. But it can also include women who have sex with such men.” Ryan recommends that you ask your healthcare provider for the shots — be sure to get both shots — but emphasizes that there’s no need for people to panic. “There is no evidence at this time that mpox clade 1, which is believed to be more severe, has made it to the U.S.,” said Ryan. “But mpox clade 2, from the outbreak that began in 2022, continues to transmit at low levels, overwhelmingly among gay and bisexual men.” If you’re a gay or bisexual man who has already gotten both shots, there’s no need to get a booster at this time. If you’re a gay or bi man who hasn’t gotten the shots — or a woman who sleeps with men who sleep with men — please get vaccinated against mpox as soon as possible. Follow Benjamin Ryan on Twitter @BenRyanWriter and subscribe to his newsletter at www.benryan.substack.com. 8. I am 21-year-old straight male. I feel way too kinky for my age group. I don’t want to go vanilla, but every time I share my kinks (submissive with masochistic tendencies), I get ghosted or dumped. Help? Pick one: a lifetime of sex that doesn’t satisfy you (“going vanilla”) or putting up with getting dumped over and over by women who aren’t right for you and living in hope that you will — like so many other kinky men — hit the jackpot one day, e.g., disclose kinks to someone who shares your kinks (Yahtzee!) or is willing to explore them (GGG!). 9. I’m a thirty-year-old lesbian woman who has never used a strap-on. I now want to try and top but I don’t want to embarrass myself. Help? There are YouTube tutorials for lesbians interested in strap-on sex — tons of them — but if you’re a reader and/or YouTubers get on your nerves like they get on mine, you could curl up on your sofa with one of the classics: The Ultimate Guide to Strap-On Sex by Karlyn Lotney (originally published in 2000) and The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman (originally published in 1999). P.S. Giving yourself permission to embarrass yourself — telling yourself and your partner that it’s going to take you some time to get good at this thing you’ve never done before — radically decreases your chances of embarrassing yourself. (Low expectations are easily exceeded.) 10. Should you ever open up a relationship out of boredom/monotony?  Some argue you shouldn’t open up your relationship — or even talk about opening up your relationship — if you’re not in a “good” place. But there are lots of happily open couples out there who were in a good place emotionally (getting along, still in love) but not in a great place sexually (getting bored, stuck in a rut, completely sexless) when they first discussed opening the relationship. And that convo — opening up a relationship or keeping it closed — is never boring. 11. How often do you think Kamala pegs Doug?  I reject the premise of your question — we have no way of knowing whether Kamala pegs Doug — but I will say this: Whatever Kamala and Doug are doing, they’re into it, they’re into each other, and they’re having a blast. Donald Trump, on the other hand, has never had sex with a woman who was into it, into him and felt anything before, during, or after except regret. 12. Is not having sex a reason to end a relationship you’ve invested seven years in? Other than not having sex we have a great relationship. He used to take testosterone, which helped, but he hasn’t been able to get his prescription filled in a long time. So, I do take that into consideration. But I get no reaction from him when I try to initiate sex. We are both in our mid-fifties, we live together, we work together. He is my boss, and he owns the company.  Sexual neglect, sexual dissatisfaction, sexual frustration, sexual incompatibility — all perfectly good reasons to end a sexually exclusive relationship. If your boss/partner refuses to do anything about this… like get his testosterone prescription refilled… and you’re afraid that addressing the matter directly by asking for an open relationship could result in you being single and unemployed, then DWYNTDTSMASS. 13. How does one get started with Becoming a Dominatrix 101? What are the different flavors of BDSM roleplay I should consider when first starting out? Who should I look to for inspiration? “Dommes can be soft and sweet or cold and mean, and everything in between,” said Inanna Justice, a Paris-based pro Domme. “Be yourself — stay true to who you are — and you’ll attract play partners who can help you find practices and philosophies that correspond to your inner Domme. As for finding inspiration outside yourself, that’s as easy as watching some good, ethical kink porn or reading a really good book.” P.S. You might also get some good ideas reading Inanna Justice’s blog, which you’ll find on her website: InannaJustice.com. 14. Are lesbians really less exposed to STIs than others?  People who don’t have penetrative sex with men — in general, #notallmen, individual results may vary — are less likely to be exposed to STIs. But lesbians are at a “not negligible” risk of STI exposure, according to the National Institutes of Health, and should get regular STI tests. 15. Why do I love eating men’s (freshly showered!) assholes so damn much?  Because they’re delicious. 16. How do I stretch my foreskin? Very carefully. (It sounds like you have a foreskin, but foreskin restoration — a process circumcised men who want their foreskins back undergo — involves a lot of stretching. The Cleveland Clinic has good rundown on the process and how it works here.) 17. How do I get my husband of 20 years to talk dirty to me during sex? Encourage him to use my dirty talk tip for beginners: Tell me what you’re about to do (“I’m going to fuck the shit out of you”), tell me what you’re doing (“I’m fucking the shit out of you”), tell me what you just did (“I fucked the shit out of you.”) 18. I’m an 82-year-old man and I masturbate two or three times a week. Is that too much or not enough? Is this good or bad for my health? At what age should one stop masturbating? “Physicians in the 1800s believed masturbation would lead to an early grave, but this man is living proof their beliefs were rooted in pseudoscientific moralism,” said Dr. Eric Sprankle, a professor of clinical psychology at Minnesota State University, Mankato, and the author of DIY: The Wonderfully Weird History and Science of Masturbation. “So long as it feels good and his cardiologist hasn’t advised otherwise, this reader should feel free to masturbate as often as he desires. Fortunately, masturbation doesn’t have an expiration date, so no need to trade self-pleasure for a senior discount.” Follow Dr. Sprankle on Twitter @DrSprankle and learn more about his work at www.drsprankle.com. 19. Can a big penis mess up my digestion? I’m a woman who’s dating someone with a larger penis than I’m used to and even though my diet remains basically the same, I am backed the fuck up! And we’re not doing anything in the butt! There’s no pain — just some initial discomfort at the start of sexy time — but do I need to see a doc? Would those lubes or CBD THC help? Has anybody had this situation? It could be a coincidence — you could’ve started to fuck this guy just as things started backing up for some other reason — or he could be rearranging your guts with that massive cock of his. It would be pretty easy to figure out if his cock is the culprit: take intercourse off the menu for a week or two and explore outercourse instead, e.g., mutual masturbation, frottage (dry and wet humping), oral sex. If your guts return to normal, it’s him. If they don’t, it’s something else. P.S. Drop me a note after you try anal with him for the first time — just to let me know you survived. P.P.S. If power bottoms can survive traffic cones, you can survive that dick. 20. My boyfriend loves getting pegged for a long time. We are a hetero couple, and I have really made an effort to be GGG. However, I’m not sure about his douche process, as it’s gotten messy a couple of times. So, what does the bottom do to get ready? Do I tell him to skip dinner if he wants me to fuck his ass? You say it’s gotten messy a couple of times… but are we talking two times out of a hundred? Or two times out of four? If it’s the former, his douche process is working about as well as can be expected. (It is an ass, even after it’s been douched, getting painted is always a risk.) If it’s the latter, his douche game sucks and he needs to watch some YouTube douching tutorials. 21. When do the Dan Savage nudes leak? I’ve been waiting for years. The wait will never end, as there are no Dan Savage nudes to leak. Being a sex-positive person, I would take nudes and arrange for them to be leaked — but my parasitic twin won’t consent to nude photos. 22. Will you be in Berlin for the HUMP screenings later this month? I will travel there from Belgium to see you! I will not be in Berlin for the premiere of HUMP! 2024 Part Two — but I will be hosting the opening weekend of HUMP! 2024 Part Two this weekend in Portland, Oregon! It’s a longer haul, I realize, but if you come all the way to Portland to see HUMP!, I will take you to dinner. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love