Lies That Bind

...to date her was a “step too far” for him morally. I told all of his family and friends that he had been lying to me and cheating on me throughout our relationship. I stand by my right to let people know this. What do you think about my refusal to be quiet about his behavior? I believe women too often protect men’s reputations at our own peril. That is why I refused to keep his secrets. The shame should be his, not mine! Now he tells me his friends and family don’t want us to get back together because I “overreacted” to his shameful behavior. I feel that with all the cards out on the table there’s no room for lies and that we could rebuild. What’s your opinion? Choosing Absolute Truth What I think of your ex-boyfriend — you should get used to calling him your ex-boyfriend — is irrelevant. What matters here, CAT, is what you think of your ex-boyfriend: you think he’s a manipulative piece of shit who cheated on you throughout your relationship and lied to you and gaslit you and emotionally abused you. And you — not a crazy person — want to get back together with him? Let’s quickly review what he did: he flirted with other women online and asked them to have phonesex/cybersex with him, CAT, which was a shitty thing to do each and every time he did it. At least one woman agreed to listen and/or watch while he had a wank, which was an even shittier thing for him to do. And he got one woman’s phone number and was tempted to meet up with her but didn’t go through with it, which allowed him to tell himself he didn’t do the shittiest thing he could’ve done — he may have even told himself he honored the monogamous commitment he made to you because he never actually touched another woman with his dick — and he lied to you about all of this and made you feel like a crazy person. Now let’s review what you did: When you found out that his definition of monogamy was a lot narrower than yours, you didn’t turn to your friends and family for moral support or drag him to couple’s counselor to hold him accountable. No, you dragged his friends and family into your conflict. Not because they needed to know, not because they could do anything about it, but to punish your boyfriend by making him look like an asshole in the eyes of his friends and family. And while you probably succeeded in making him look bad in the eyes of his friends and family, you also succeeded in making yourself look like a crazy person. So, while I agree that women shouldn’t have to keep men’s secrets to protect their reputations, no one wants to live in a world where dragging in friends and is the go-to move for every angry boyfriend, girlfriend, enbyfriend, husband, wife, spouse, etc., on the planet. Even if your ex-boyfriend’s friends and family think he was in the wrong — even if you succeeded in exposing him for the manipulative piece of shit they already knew him to be (they’ve known him longer than you have) — they don’t want him to get back together with you because they don’t want you blowing up their phones every time you have a fight. And if you convince him to back together with you, CAT, you’re gonna have more fights — hell, you’re going to have this fight again because he’s not going stop flirting with other women. So, unless you’re looking forward to having this fight again — and maybe you are (some people think conflict is passion (crazy people)) — you’ll stop pursuing this lying, manipulative, deceitful piece of shit. I’m a mid-40s bi woman newly married to my second husband. He’s 34, extremely hot, and I’m 13 years older. My last marriage had elements of openness to it, and I came into this relationship knowing I would eventually want some level of ethical non-monogamy. Although my husband hasn’t had that sort of relationship before, he’s very open to it. Anyway, I have an old fling that I text with sometimes. He’s a single guy and we hooked up off and on for a few years, a few years ago. It was always just no-strings-attached sex. He has very good judgment and boundaries, and he knows I’m recently remarried. Our chats get sexual pretty quickly. I’m 99% sure that my husband would be fine with this, but I haven’t told him because — and this is the problem — I don’t think I’d enjoy it as much if it weren’t a secret. I’ve been talking to my therapist about this, but I’m interested in your take. I want my marriage to be based on honesty and authenticity, but I really enjoy these little secret flirtations. Should I tell my husband and explain that I don’t understand the importance of the secrecy? Because I really don’t. Or should I just keep doing what I’m doing and not worry about it? For more context, my husband is also incredibly thoughtful and he’s super good at processing things. And while this other guy is the only person in my life like this now, there have always been others like him. What do you think? A Gal In New England We’re all entitled to a zone of erotic autonomy — even married people — and I believe brief and/or harmless flirtations fall within that zone, AGINE, and it sounds like your new husband might agree. Additionally, very few marriages would survive for long if we disclosed every dumb-but-essentially-harmless thing we did that might annoy our spouses. If you wouldn’t actually fuck this guy or any other guy without your husband’s approval, and if you’re plowing the erotic energy this stirs up into your marital relationship, I think you can enjoy this connection/flirtation without guilt. Keeping something to yourself — keeping something for yourself — isn’t the same thing as keeping something secret. But knowing what you do about yourself, AGINE, you could’ve and should’ve had a conversation with your husband before the wedding about privately (not secretly) enjoying a flirtation. It’s not too late to have that conversation — it’s never too late to have a conversation — and I’ve gone ahead and written your opening line “Hey, if there’s ever someone else either of us wants to fuck — if we ever wanna move from talking about ethical non-monogamy to actually practicing it — we’ll come to each other for permission before anything happens. But I’m not going to ask for your permission to flirt with someone else — just flirt, only flirt — and you don’t need mine.” My wife of twelve years is divorcing me. She went on a cross-country road trip with someone she’s in a band with and she was cold when she returned and then told me she wants a divorce. This person is a much younger man, and I suspect cheating. She denies it, merely chalking it up to camping and clearing her head. I know she’s been unhappy for a while, but I thought the relationship could be worked on. She is unwilling to try. Then I looked at her phone (we are on the same phone plan), and she has been talking with this man and texting with him incessantly. She says she is leaning on him as a friend, but it is way too much contact for that. I think she is in love with this person, but she won’t admit it because she doesn’t want to hurt me. Every time I bring up the subject, she accuses me of being crazy or jealous. I got her to admit to some feelings, but she swears it’s not what I think. Then she says it’s none of my business. The paperwork hasn’t even been submitted. Is she right? Is it none of my business? I just want the truth even if it kills me so I can have some closure. World Of Hurt Would being told that your wife had an affair — and it seems pretty obvious she did — give you the closure you claim to need, WOH, or would it allow you to assign blame for the collapse of your marriage? I don’t doubt that you’re sad, angry, and confused about the end of your marriage, but you knew your wife had been unhappy for a long time and it doesn’t sound like you were motivated to do much about her unhappiness until she announced that she wanted a divorce. (You talk about work that could’ve been done to improve your marriage, but you don’t mention doing the work or even offering to do the work.) If she’s leaving you for this man, WOH, that’s not a secret that’s going to keep. You might not know exactly what happened until after the divorce is finalized, but you’re going to find out eventually — so the closure you claim to need might not come before you close the books on your marriage, but it will come. P.S. Your wife might be willing to see a couple’s counselor with you to mediate between you while you wind down your marriage, but it doesn’t sound like her mind is going to change. I’m sorry. P.P.S. Closure isn’t always something we’re given by someone else, WOH, closure is often something we have to do for ourselves. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love