STRUGGLE SESSION: Unforgivable Oversights, Harmless Flirtations, Secret Pervings… and More!

...ational debt, and shoulders the added difficulty of being smaller than both the generations you and Jill represent. Guess we’re not known as the forgotten generation for nothing. Ouch! Sorry about that, Annie. This unforgivable oversight — if we didn’t mention Gen X — is even more unforgivable of me, seeing as I’m pretty much Gen X by insemination. (I forwarded your email to Jill and admonished her like a Millennial would (“DO BETTER, JILL, DO BETTER”), but Jill swears we did mention Gen X during our convo. So, maybe give the episode another listen?) ‘ Says Katie via BlueSky… Hey! I just listened to Episode 932 and while I was listening to you and Dr Barak (and walking my dog), I opened up my browser to SwingLeft and donated. Thank you for the nudge — it worked! Thank you, Katie! (If you haven’t already donated, DONATE NOW!) ‘ Jonathan has concerns one of the orgs Dr. Barak endorsed during our donation spree on Episode 932… Dan, please be careful about OnePA. While I’m a Democrat who agrees that PA is crucial for the election, their local candidates oppose the development of housing for Pennsylvanians and any kind of development that will lead to construction or long-term jobs. It’s short-term relief for a very few that opposes the long-term YIMBY policies we need that will provide housing for all. With the candidate at the top of the ticket sounding like a YIMBY (and the last Democrat in the White House making the same sounds), it would be great to see down-ballot Dems and progressive orgs fall in line and back pro-housing policies. We’re in a housing crisis, people, and being for housing should be like being for gay marriage or reproductive rights, e.g., litmus tests/default positions for all Dems and progressives. But in this all-hands-on-deck election, we can’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. If OnePA is working to elect Harris, I’m willing to send a few bucks their way… even if they’re not great (at least not yet) on housing. Just like I was willing to donate money to Barack Obama in 2008 even though he opposed gay marriage at the time and in the most offensive possible terms. Jo has a question for me… I would have liked to hear more about the line between privacy and secrecy in the second answer in your September 10 column — and the line between harmless and shitty flirting. Which side is phone sex on, or talking about meeting up with someone but not actually meeting them? I’m glad Dan said that his line should only be the start of a conversation (about flirting), and she should consider whether her actions help or hurt her marriage. I’d add to consider if she could easily forgive him if he acted the same way. It’s complicated! ‘ Obviously, individuals in relationships will come to different conclusions about what constitutes harmless flirtation — or whether flirtation is ever harmless. But as everyone knows (although some people pretend they don’t), your partner is going to flirt or be flirted with (or flirted at) once in a while. (And so are you!) If two people have a monogamous commitment, flirtations obviously shouldn’t be progressing past the erotically-charged bantering stage. Most of that harmless bantering used to happen between coworkers and/or strangers in bars over happy hour drinks (leaving no trace and doing no harm), but now most of it happens online (leaving a digital trail that could do great harm). ‘ The danger of phone sex — or the perceived danger — is that your partner having phone sex with someone they’re not supposed to fuck feels like a step toward your partner actually fucking someone they’re not supposed to fuck. As for making plans to fuck someone and then backing out, that can be read in two different ways: as an unforgivable betrayal (plans were made!) or as a temptation resisted (abyss approached, abyss backed away from). People in monogamous relationships — at least the ones who aren’t keeping their partners chained to radiators in their basements — know their partners will encounter temptation when they’re moving through the world (meat and cyber), and the ability to resist temptation — even or especially after someone contemplated giving into temptation — should be seen as a good sign, not a bad one. ‘ Dept. of Mistakes Were Maid: BiDanFan and ElDorko flagged a couple of recent errors… “Dan, you may follow Shibari practitioners, but can you spell it?” “Sorry to be that guy, but you’ve misused the word ‘squalid’ twice in two weeks, Dan. Squalid is not a synonym for ‘skeevy’ or ‘sleezy.’ It is a pejorative adjective used to describe a PLACE or an ENVIRONMENT that has the trappings of poverty. Merriam‘s definition of “squalid” here. And there’s an example of the correct usage of “squalid” in this morning’s Washington Post: High-ranking members of a group that a judge has previously termed a “cult” were convicted Monday of taking children from their parents and forcing them into unpaid labor, squalid living conditions and disciplinary beatings. Oh, a group of religious fanatics abusing children? Shocking. But remember, kids: morality cannot be maintained without religion, as Joe Lieberman, former Democratic nominee for VP, once said. (And, yeah, I’m still bitter about it.) In other religion news: Florida pastor gets life on child sex charges, Arkansas pastor arrested on child porn charges, Alabama pastor arrested on child sex charges, North Carolina youth pastor sentenced on child sex charges, California pastor arrested on child sex charges, North Carolina youth pastor sentenced on child sex charges. ‘ Why did BONDAGE tell me to say “tied” and not “tied up” when talking about shibari? Candace speculates… My best guess is that a shibari scene is focused on the process of tying. Usually an hour or more of tying and untying where putting the rope on and taking it off is the whole point of the scene. “Tied up” is more like a state you’re in and if you’re tied up you likely want some other stuff to happen. I think Candace is correct — but I also think in-group jargon/signaling may be a minor chord here, like when everyone in the kink scene suddenly stopped saying “S&M” and started saying “SM,” dropping the ampersand. If someone used the ampersand, they were obviously not a part of the scene (literal and figurative). Same things happened when everyone shifted from “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” to “RACK,” for “risk-aware consensual kink,” a decade ago. (Candace had more to say about shibari in a subsequent comment and offered a great resource for others who are interested in getting tied (not tied up!): shibaristudy.com.) ‘ A few more things… ‘ ChristianNightmares was pysched to find out they’re my favorite Instagram follow at the top of this week’s Lovecast — my favorite in the non-shaggy-haired hot male model category (actually, my hands-down favorite in all categories) — and I was just as psyched to find out ChristianNightmares was psyched! And for those who emailed asking me to share my favorite shaggy-haired male model/fitness influencer/musician/shit poster follows: Owen, Addison, Julian, Jannes, and Horsemeet (Horsemeet’s extremely problematic Reels should only be watched with the sound off.) ‘ And remember kids… secret perving is always okay — and remote controlled vibrators and e-stim “torture” devices are one form secret perving can take — but secret perving isn’t secret (and therefore isn’t okay) if the barista and everybody else in the cafe clocks it. (And I don’t know what you mean to imply, Piece of Pie.) ‘ Okay, Strugglers, here’s our open-source-advice letter of the week. This won’t run in the column and  you are invited to weigh in… Mid-40s Gay man here who was with my boyfriend for ten years, two of which were spent living together. A year ago we purchased a couch for our apartment. It was agreed we would each pay half of the cost. Then, months later, he admitted he was in love with another man. I was crushed. We had been open, but not emotionally so. After telling me about this lover, he left for a week to visit him. But upon his return, he said nothing for about a month until I broached the subject. He said he had no clue what he wanted. This was infuriating because I was left on the sidelines waiting to see where our relationship would land. Eventually, out of frustration, I ended the relationship, which he initially agreed with. Then he checked with his lover who apparently just wanted to hook up. All of a sudden my boyfriend felt we made a mistake and pleaded with me to reconsider. I did, but against my gut and we started therapy at my insistence and that cost we split. First couple of sessions were great, but eventually my ex was saying all the right things in therapy, but outside of the sessions he was cagey, awkward and tense with me. We broke up earlier this year. He moved out, but I kept the couch. I’ve been paying him my portion a little each month for the couch. I’ve taken on a second job to pay down additional credit card debt of mine and soon I will be able to pay off the remaining $1,500 I owe for the couch. I intend on doing so because I just want to put that part of my life over with. However, everyone in my life is telling me I don’t owe him anything. Even my fiscally responsible mother tells me to not pay him back. I’m curious to know your take, please. Stumped Over Funds, Always What should SOFA do, Strugglers? Work two jobs so he can pay the ex-boyfriend for his half of the couch they purchased together before their messy breakup — the blame for which can be laid at his ex-boyfriend’s feet (bearing in mind that we only have SOFA’s side of the story) —  or take his mom’s advice and tell the ex-boyfriend he’ll have to eat the couch?