Dear Readers: Well, fuck.
Reading a sex-advice column at a time like this — to say nothing of writing a sex-advice column at a time like this — might seem a little pointless. But I’ve lived long enough to know that seemingly pointless distractions, small comforts, and guilty pleasures have the power to sustain us in bad times. Taking a moment to read (or write or illustrate) a sex-advice column — or listen to or make some music or watch or make some porn — doesn’t mean you’re complacent or complicit. (Unless you voted for him, of course, in which case you can fuck the fuck off.) Because it’s the little things — the small pleasures — that keep us sane, keep us connected, and keep us going. Anyway, sitting down to write a column this week lifted my spirits a bit. I hope reading this week’s column lifts yours. — Dan
P.S. All of the letters below came in late Tuesday night and early Wednesday morning last week, so some of them — but not all of them — are about the election. If you’re sick of reading about the election, feel free to skip to the last two questions, which are about sex, glorious sex, which remains the single best distraction/comfort/pleasure there is.
I’m in despair. I don’t know my country anymore. I’m inclined to move away. What do you recommend?
Election Night Blues
I recommend we retire the expression, “This is not who we are.” We could say that after Hillary Clinton won the popular vote but lost the election (fucking Electoral College) and we could say that after George W. Bush lost the popular vote but won the election (fucking Electoral College). But as of this writing, it looks like that asshole is on track to win the popular vote and the Electoral College. So, yeah. This is who we are — at least right now.
Anyway, if someone told me twenty years ago that a reality-show host/serial sexual predator with a golden toilet would one day appoint a majority of the justices on the Supreme Court, as Trump is likely to have done before the end of his second term, I would’ve thought about emigrating then. But leaving — whether we’re talking about leaving a shitty spouse or a shitty country — is always easier said than done. So, we’re gonna do what most people in shitty relationships wind up doing: we’re going to stay and we’re going to fight.
It’s the morning after the election and I am sobbing for what’s to come and for what we have all lost. Then I started thinking more personally about our youngest. Born female nineteen years ago, they began transitioning to male three years ago. I fear for them. My first thought was to beg them to transition back to female, seeing as they haven’t had blockers or any surgeries yet. I feel horrible that was my first thought. I want them to live their true self, but as a mom, I want to make sure they are safe. My second thought was to get their passport renewed, so if we need to get them out of the country fast, we can get them out. Thoughts?
Super Upset Mom
I’m planning to stay and fight — at least that’s the plan for now — but I’m not gonna let my passport expire. So, I fully support your plan to get your trans kid’s passport renewed, SUM. Diana Adams, Esq., who founded the Chosen Family Law Center, posted a thread the day after the election with tons of legal advice for queer people worried about their rights and safety in the wake of this election. Adams specifically recommends that trans people like your son update their passports, Social Security records, and state IDs so they all have the same names and gender markers. If you need help doing that, you can find additional resources and legal help at the Chosen Family Law Center.
P.S. If you’re one of the 70% of Americans who don’t have a passport… now might be a good time to get one.
If you were the parent of a transgender teenager, where in the world would you want to live? Where could we reliably find gender-affirming care and a relatively low amount of bigotry?
Scared And Distressed
“So, I think this is a double-edged sword,” said Brianna Wu, a Democratic operative and the host of the Dollcast. “Because, legally a state like mine — Massachusetts — is going to be excellent for SAD’s family. California or Illinois would be as well. But the other half of this coin is social — and what I’ve seen in my own state is a culture that’s not setting trans kids up for success because it doesn’t ask them to develop agency. Obviously, moving somewhere your child can get the HRT they need to live is job number one. All three of these states will be excellent. But don’t discount the dangers of a culture that can radicalize your child into a brand of trans politics that won’t serve them in the long run.”
But if you wanted to leave the country — and I wouldn’t blame you if you did — the Williams Institute identified Iceland, Sweden, Norway, the Netherlands, and Canada as the best places for LGBT people in their most recent Global Acceptance Index. But keep an eye on Canada, SAD: they have an election coming and the fascistic right in Canada is borrowing a page — many pages — from the fascistic right in the US and targeting trans and other queer people.
Follow Brianna Wu on Twitter @BriannaWu.
I’m a boring white cis-het middle-aged lady. I have been an LGBTQ ally since the day I figured out WTF that meant. This election has me shaken for so many reasons, but one that I wasn’t expecting, was the lack of support from gay men. Not in the vote, necessarily, but the aftermath. I have come across numerous TikToks and Instagram reels saying things like, “At least this means we get Pete in 2028.” Do gay men really hate women as much as straight men? I am shaken to my core.
Seriously Heartbroken About This
You’re heartbroken, I’m heartbroken — but you can fuck off with this shit, SHAT.
Trump’s share of the LGBT vote — which includes gay men — collapsed between 2020 and 2024: Trump went from 27% of the LGBT vote in 2020 to just 12% in 2024. I do not doubt that gay men are overrepresented in that 12%, but the overwhelming majority of gay men voted against Trump. The same can’t be said for the straight men. The fact that a couple of social media platforms designed to stir up outrage — because they profit from outrage — pushed a few videos into your feed of gay men saying something insensitive (or saying something too soon) isn’t proof that gay men hate women “as much” as straight men do.
Look, there’s nothing they want more than for us — the people who opposed Trump — to point fingers at each other. Don’t give them what they want.
The people we should be pointing fingers at right now are the people who voted for Trump, SHAT, not groups of people who voted overwhelmingly against him. But if you’re looking to be angry at someone, how about the majority of straight men who voted for Trump? Or the millions of women who failed to show up for Harris?
P.S. I can not only promise you, SHAT, that Pete Buttigieg is not gonna be the Democratic nominee in 2028, but I can also promise you that any gay man who’s fantasizing about Pete getting the nomination next time voted for Harris this time.
In an episode of the Lovecast over the summer, you urged your listeners to share their best sex stories to take their minds off current events. This seems like a good time to share mine. Last Tuesday in British Columbia — while we watched the election results trickle in — I had a lovely first date with a prospective bisexual unicorn for me and my partner. The two of us have never had a threesome in our thirteen years together. This guy I met — a male unicorn — seems very sweet. He and my partner exchanged dick picks while I was on the date with him (hubby was at home with the kids), and knowing we were going to have a very special guest star join us this weekend made the rest of this distressing week a little more bearable.
Scheduling Our First Threesome
Like everyone who just read your letter, SOFT, I’m jealous. Not because (or just because) you’re gonna have a threesome this weekend — although there is that — but because instead of spending last Tuesday night sitting on the couch watching election returns, you spent last Tuesday night on a date with a hot bi guy. That’s a Yahtzee right there, SOFT, and I’m gonna borrow a page from your playbook find a hot bi guy to spend the midterm elections with myself. And while you didn’t ask for advice, SOFT, I’m going to give you some.
Four quick tips for making your first MFM threesome a success from a guy who lost his virginity in an MFM threesome…
1. Every threesome becomes — at some point — a twosome. Instead of flipping out when that happens, enjoy the show for a few minutes before inserting yourself back into the action.
2. All three of you should agree — out loud — that anyone can call a timeout at any time for any reason. And since it’s easier to bounce back from a timeout called when you’re feeling off than it is when you’re feeling hurt, don’t wait on calling for a timeout when you need one. (And, yes, you can call a timeout if that twosome goes on too long.)
3. Be clear with each other and your very special guest star — use your words — about what is and isn’t on the menu. And absolutely no reopening menu negotiations once your threesome is underway. That thing you suddenly thought of after your first threesome was underway? You’ll have a better chance of getting to do that thing if you save it for your second threesome instead of screwing up your first threesome by revising the menu on the fly.
4. While couples usually do need some time alone to decompress, discuss, and check-in with each other after a threesome, rushing your very special guest star out the door immediately after it’s over is rude. If things went well, you can and should offer your very special guest star a cuddle, a shower, and some ice cream. Very special guest stars are people with feelings, not single-use plastics.
Good luck! Have fun! Let us know how it goes in the comments!
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. When we first got together, I broke our monogamous agreement and had sex with my ex and we — me and my boyfriend — broke up. I took responsibility for it (very much my bad), and my boyfriend and I wound up getting back together. Things are much better now! Sex is great! Relationship is great! And our monogamous agreement is more realistic: we are “monogamous with permission to ask permission if someone we want to have sex with shows up.”
Here’s my question: When we first broke up, my boyfriend TOLD HIS PARENTS I CHEATED ON HIM. I have a good relationship with my parents but there are some things you don’t tell your parents! JEEZ! So now, my boyfriend’s parents know I cheated on him. We’re back together, things are going well, and I met his parents once, but only briefly. Is there something I’m supposed to do? Or something — anything — I’m supposed to say? Are they always going to see me as the girlfriend who cheated on their son? Will they always think of me as a cheater? I feel like when I actually sit down with his parents, I’m just going to feel incredibly guilty and self-conscious. What should I do?
Aggravated Resentful Girlfriend Here
P.S. WHO TELLS THEIR PARENTS THEIR GIRLFRIEND CHEATED ON THEM AND THAT’S WHY THEY BROKE UP???
In your boyfriend’s defense, ARGH, you weren’t his girlfriend when he told his parents you cheated on him. You were his ex-girlfriend.
I’m guessing your boyfriend was excited about his new relationship — excited about you — and told his parents about you a little sooner than an adult child normally tells mom and dad he’s seeing someone. Then when he was suddenly single again a week or two later, your boyfriend had to explain where you went and what happened, ARGH, and opted to tell his parents the truth. He didn’t tell them the truth to screw up your relationship with his parents, ARGH, because he didn’t think you were going to have a relationship with his parents.
Anyway, you can’t control how his parents feel about you, what reservations they might have about your relationship, or whether they’re secretly judging you across the Thanksgiving dinner table. But you can — with time served and good behavior — earn your way into their good graces. And if your boyfriend has the kind of relationship with his parents where he tells them everything, he’s probably already told them why he decided to get back together with you. If his mom and dad had concerns or objections, your boyfriend may have already addressed them. And here’s hoping you have the kind of relationship with your boyfriend where you can ask him anything — including what, if anything, he said to his parents when he decided to get back together with you.
Finally, ARGH, you never know what’s going on — or what has gone on — in someone else’s marriage…. there’s a statistically significant chance that your boyfriend’s dad cheated on his mom… or his mom cheated on his dad… or his dad and mom cheated on each other. Your boyfriend may not know whether his parents’ marriage survived an infidelity — and they may not be anxious to tell him about it — but you can’t rule out the possibility. So, if it makes you feel better going into that first real meeting with his mom and dad to imagine that one of them has been in your shoes — the shoes of the penitent cheater — you have my permission to imagine it.
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