STRUGGLE SESSION: Freys Aren’t Assholes, Jackhammering Isn’t Not For Everyone, Math Is Hard… and More!

... had a kid together. I said that was an asshole move on her husband’s part. Says Alex… It’s completely possible to be freysexual and not an asshole: I’m freysexual, I don’t see myself as on the asexuality spectrum, though I accept I could be, and I like to believe I’m not an asshole. So long as you disclose what know about yourself to new partners — so long as you don’t allow new partners to make reasonable-but-inaccurate assumptions about you — then you’re not an asshole, Alex. But any frey person who knows himself to be frey and withholds that information until after the wedding — any frey person who leverages a perfectly reasonable assumption (that they’re not frey, since most people aren’t) in order to get what he wants — is being an asshole. Not disclosing to someone you met on a dating app that you’re married is a similarly asshole-ish move, as is not disclosing to someone that you’re asexual after they express sexual interest in you. Allowing someone to make the perfectly reasonable assumption that you’re single (which is why you’re on the apps) because you want to get in their pants or to make the perfectly reasonable assumption that you’re into in sex (which 99% of people are) because you want a romantic partner if not a sexual one… is to lie by omission. Marrying someone without telling them your sexual attraction to a new romantic partners falls off a cliff after six months — which is what Mr. AW did — is an asshole move. Because only an asshole wouldn’t warn someone about the cliff they can see coming. Dr. Marie Thouin — who is the tolyamory whisperer at this point — asks whether tolyamory is polyamory without compersion, sparking debate in the comments on this post. Says Dr. Jamiebear… So is jackhammering really socially unacceptable and unwanted, as one caller suggested? Coz… I like it. Get in me, get hammering away. Faster, harder. Go for it. And some women like receiving dick pics — but those women represent a tiny minority of all women, which is why men need to ask (or, better yet, wait to be asked) before sending dick pics. Likewise, holes that like being jackhammered represent a tiny-but-less-tiny minority of all holes. So, just as men who wanna send dick pics to women should wait to be asked, poles that wanna jackhammer should wait for holes that want a jackhammering to ask to be jackhammered before they start jackhammering away. I believe that prostate-only male orgasms are a myth. I Boop Noses disagrees and makes the case in a post that’s too long to excerpt here. Go read it! BiDanFan calls me out… Dan, you continue to misunderstand actuarial maths. Yes, DIP’s partner uses drugs, which won’t extend his life. But a man who has already made it to 73 years old can expect to live more than twelve more years, not two. (Source.) It’s not just actuarial maths I don’t understand. As I’ve demonstrated time and time again, it’s all maths. (Even 73 year olds that are shooting meth can expect to live another 12 years?) The great Joan Price was not pleased with that response… Despondent In Philly: You’re not stuck with this lying POS. I wouldn’t offer to support him to get him out. He’s not going to change, and you know he’s lying if words exit his mouth. He’s had enough chances. Give him two weeks to pack up and get out, and stick to it. You’re not responsible to keep him or support him. And, Dan, I was surprised by the cruelty (or so it came across to me) in your last sentence: “The average male in the US lives to 75, DIP, and I can’t imagine a 73-year-old man who shoots meth is gonna beat the actuarial odds.” That’s supposed to help the LW? That was a joke — we Irish Catholics are famous for our dark and fatalistic senses of humor — and, hey, if the LW could use a laugh right now (and it sure sounded like he could), it could’ve helped. It won’t solve anything… but it could help. Okay, here’s a question that came in this week that won’t make it into the column. It’s short enough to qualify as a Quickies question but I feel like it deserves a longer answer. So, this one goes out to Jonathan, Andrew, Delta35, and our other gay superstar commenters… Why are gay men so often unkind, wicked, and even cruel to other gay men? With all the challenges in our world today, gay men often seem to be the least supportive to their own. Why has this issue not changed in all these years? Help One Miserable Oomf I have theories about why gay men so often experience other gay men as awful — from deeply unrealistic expectations about the meaning of “gay community” to confirmation bias to who’s actually in a position to break your heart. (Your straight girlfriends will never be able to break your heart the way another gay man can; they also aren’t trying to get in your pants and/or aren’t worried you’re trying to get in theirs.) Got some theories of your own? Some advice for HOMO? Some perspective? Drop it in the comments…