Bad Romance

...hen we did, she said it was because she’d realized she wasn’t attracted to women after all, and in fact had fallen for a man. Well, that explained a few things. I was devastated and didn’t date again for three years. But recently, I stepped back into the dating game and met a wonderful woman. We share a love of horror movies, she’s easy to talk to, we have the same sense of humor, and she does things that make me feel cherished. It’s honestly refreshing. We were dating around a month when things got physical. But I’m sad — no, angry — to report that it’s the same problem all over again. This woman needs persistent effort, and it’s my pleasure to provide it, but when it comes time for her to return the favor, she isn’t up to the task. After a few minutes, she is done. We’ve had several discussions about preferences and what our bodies need for an orgasm to happen. She knows that manual stimulation takes forever to get me off, but oral sex has always been a reliable and efficient way to get me off. Except it’s just not happening. And I don’t just mean oral. I mean she was not enthusiastic about making me come once after I’d gotten her off multiple times. She begins cuddling me and seems to not give it a thought. Despite everything else that’s so wonderful about this woman, after the same thing happened again tonight, I suddenly feel ready to kick her to the curb. Would she do it if I asked? Probably! But this is not something I should have to ask for. It defeats the purpose of minimum standards. When we say oral comes standard, that means it comes standard. We shouldn’t have to ask for it. We can say how we want it or whether we don’t want it, but otherwise it should be offered as a matter of course. If they can’t do so, then they should at least be enthusiastic about playing as strong a role as possible in making the other person come through other means. Because it’s not just oral that should come standard. Orgasms should come standard. Am I overreacting, Dan? If a partner brings everything else but doesn’t bring the orgasms, are they disqualified? I am too old to waste time on partners who do not come to the bedroom enthusiastic about making me come. I’d rather stay home and take care of myself. I’m honestly crying a little bit. I’m just so disappointed. Serious About Partner Having Orgasms You’re not overreacting. Oral has always come standard in lesbian relationships — the orgasm gap supposedly doesn’t exist in lesbian relationships (but you somehow keep pulling the short straw) — and, like power windows, oral has come standard in all relationships since the 1980s. A model that arrives without oral should be returned to the lot. But here’s the thing: you say your new girlfriend would “probably” get you off if you asked, which means… you haven’t asked. Now, your new girlfriend should be offering to get you off — she should return every favor, climb every mountain, ford every stream, etc. — without prompting. But if you wanna give this otherwise promising relationship a chance, you might wanna advocate for your own pleasure at least once. I mean, it’s crazy that I know oral is the quickest and most reliable way to make you come but your girlfriend doesn’t, SAPHO, considering I’m never gonna eat your pussy and eating your pussy is literally her job. From the sound of things, SAPHO, your girlfriend has a pretty mannish/masc-coded refractory period — she crashes out after she comes — so along with telling her that oral is the fastest and most reliable way to get you off, you might wanna tell her you’re gonna go first: from here on out, she’s gets you off before you get her off. She fords your stream, then you ford hers. Now, if you tell her all that and she still can’t be bothered to make you come… back to the lot she goes. You wasted seven years on a partner who didn’t think your pleasure was important, SAPHO, and you can and should tell your girlfriend you’re not making that mistake again. P.S. Re: “A model that arrives without oral should be returned to the lot” This is a comedic overstatement. Some people can’t do oral for reasons, some people don’t care whether they’re getting oral, some peopl dislike giving and/or receiving. I see you, you’re valid. But if you’re receiving oral and not giving oral in return, you have some explaining to do — not to me, to your partner(s). The background: I’m 65, my “partner” is 73. We met twenty years ago and divorced our wives to be together. Early on in the relationship I discovered that he uses meth. He assured me he didn’t have a problem. We went to couples counseling a few years back and the therapist told me during a private session that I’m better off leaving my partner because he was never going to give up meth. Then he contracted HIV, and I’m pretty sure he got it shooting up. He says no but I’ve seen needles in the house. I travel for work, and I know he has parties in my house when I’m gone — I’ve seen a parade of guys on my security camera — but we don’t have an open relationship (his rule, not mine). I have asked him to seek help, I’ve tried to support him, I’ve attempted to involve his family, and they’ve ignored me. I can’t bring myself to sleep with him anymore. I’ve asked him to leave and find somewhere else to live. However, he is on limited income. He was a smart man, but he squandered his money and now relies on Social Security (and me) to cover his living expenses. He has lied to me, and his double life is dragging on me and I’m unsure what to do. I have a great job, travel all over the world for work, and could retire if I so desired. I’m not ready to retire, nor do I have a desire to live with this person. I know I should have kicked him out years ago, but now I feel like I’m stuck with him. I’m not sure what advice you can give to someone who feels stuck, used, and abused by a drug-addicted liar that I nonetheless don’t want to make homeless. Despondent In Philly Toss your “partner” out on his ass — just say go — but if you can’t bear the thought of your live-in ex-boyfriend (it’s already over) winding up on the street… What would it be worth to you — financially— to have him out of your life? It sounds like you have resources. Your lying, cheating, drug-abusing “partner,” on the other hand, does not; it seems pretty clear that he’s only “with you” because he needs a place and a meal ticket. So, if you got him his own place — let’s say you bought a nice studio apartment on the other side of town and offered him enough money to live on for a year or two — do you think he’d leave? Would it be worth it to have him gone? If the answer to both those questions is yes, DIP, you could buy him and apartment of his own and pay him to go. But if you don’t wanna buy him out and you can’t bear the thought of tossing him out… you could choose to wait him out. The average male in the US lives to 75, DIP, and I can’t imagine a 73-year-old man who shoots meth is gonna beat the actuarial odds. My husband and I have been married for three years, and we have a two-year-old child. For the first six months of our relationship, we had a healthy, regular sex life. After that, my husband was not interested in sex, and for about two years, we had it very infrequently. My husband recently revealed to me that during that time, he thought a lot about why he would often become disinterested in sex with partners after being with them for a short amount of time (around six months). He discovered that a particular kink is extremely important to him, and that moving forward, it will be an essential part of sex for him. He has never incorporated this kink into past sexual relationships, and only now discovered it. He likened it to his discovering his sexuality, in that it is a critical part of his sexual identity. His newly discovered kink is being cuckolded — right now just as a fantasy, but he would eventually like it to be a reality. I have tried for about six months to explore this with him, and unfortunately, it does not turn me on at all. In fact, it very much turns me off. I have agreed to incorporate this into half of our sex sessions. He has told me that he needs it to be a part of every sexual encounter we have and is frustrated that it does not turn me on. He said if we do not move forward, he would like to consider having an open relationship — which I do not want — or he could withhold sex from me for a year so that I want sex so much that I am more interested in being with other men. Sometimes he gets angry that I don’t feel the same way about his kink. I want my husband to be happy, and I know that there are many women who are interested in this kink and dating apps he could use to meet people who share this kink. If this is critical to my husband, I feel like we are at a standstill and maybe just sexually incompatible. Is this the end of our relationship?  Anonymous Wife Fuck him. Your husband knew — he knew before he married you — that he loses interest in sexual partners after six months. We used to call people like that “assholes,” AW, but now know better: your husband is fraysexual (“a person whose sexual attraction fades as emotional intimacy deepens”) — another point of light along the asexuality spectrum — and we know frays are valid because they have their very own pride flag and everything. Your husband also knew he was a cuckold before he married you. I’m not buying this bullshit about him discovering his kink after an ayahuasca trip or whatever, AW, and you shouldn’t buy it either. He made a conscious decision not to tell you until after you were married and had a child in order to trap you. Information you needed to make an informed decision about marrying him was withheld from you — your husband painted you into a corner with his dick and his DNA — and you have every right to be angry. While there aren’t tons of women into his kink, AW, there are dating sites for cuckolds and women who want one of their own; there are also some wonderful cuckolding podcasts where cuckold couples share their origin stories and discuss best practices around disclosure and negotiation. Which means your husband had the option of pursuing women who want a cuckold partner — that is, women who want a one-sided open relationship (with their side being the open one) — and access to what cuckolding coaches and he decided to dupe you into marrying him instead. And then — after presenting his kink as a “discovery” failed to have the desired effect — your husband pivoted to threats and angry outburst in an effort to bully you into fucking other men for his entertainment. From where I’m sitting, that proves he lied to you about this; if he had only just realized he had this kink and the realization threatened his marriage, AW, your husband would be apologetic about this, not apoplectic about it. If he needs his wife to fuck other men in order to be happy and fucking other men isn’t something the woman he married is interested in doing and he can’t let it go — and not be an asshole about letting it go — then you’re sexually incompatible, AW, and he’s completely intolerable. DMTFA. P.S. This response is dedicated to everyone who has ever accused me of siding with the kinkster or fetishist in every marital dispute. BDSM practitioner? A sex researcher who’s working on his PhD would like you to take this survey! For science! Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Become Dan’s Sub at savage.love/subscribe