Making the Upgrade

...What can I do to get to a point where I can be sober and not want to run for the hills when a guy talks me up? So Over Being Easy Ripped Those men you approach when you’re drunk or high — the guys you hook up with when you’re feeling confident — you know you can hook up with those men more than once, right? Zooming out for a second: If you’ve been in therapy for years and haven’t made any progress, SOBER, you need to change therapists or you need to accept that things you’ve been working on in therapy — your paralyzing-when-sober insecurity and your lingering (and perfectly reasonable) fear of male sexual attention — probably aren’t going to change. And if those things aren’t gonna change, SOBER, you’ll have to learn to work around them. So, instead of beating yourself up for needing to do what lots of people need to do before talking to strangers who might wanna fuck them, i.e. disinhibit with drugs and alcohol, you should be thoughtful about when you’re using, cautious about how much you’re using, and strategic about why you’re using. Zooming out for another second: Feeling like you need a drink before you can talk to strangers who might wanna fuck you… and wishing you didn’t need that drink… doesn’t by itself mean you have a substance abuse problem. But if drugs and alcohol are interfering with your ability to hold down a job, if drugs and alcohol are destroying your relationships with friends and family, and if the sexual experiences you’re having with men when you get drunk or high are traumatizing — and I’m guessing they’re not, SOBER, as you surely would’ve included that detail if they were — then you have a problem and should stop using substances. Getting to know a guy before making a move will take a little more time, but if your other option is burning your life down for some quick dick, SOBER, you should invest the time. Okay, one last question before we get to my sure-to-be-non-controversial advice: What exactly do you want from men? Is raunchy sex with a hot male stranger all you want? Or is it a relationship you want? If all you want is some raunchy sex and you don’t wanna get fucked up every time you want it, SOBER, you could recognize the pattern here — there are plenty of guys out there who are into and want onto or into your body — and decide (perhaps with the help of a better therapist) to take “yes” for an answer. Lots of men are attracted to you! Lots of men wanna get raunchy with you! If you could take that “yes” (and all the dick that comes attached to it) for an answer, SOBER, you may find the amount of drugs and/or alcohol you need to use before approaching men falls as your self-confidence rises. But if what you’re looking for is a relationship… Some people will insist you’re doing it wrong. You’ll never find someone special — you’ll never find someone who is looking for and/or open to a relationship — in a sleazy club or at an even sleazier after, they’ll say. But people who insist that lasting, loving relationships never start with sleazy hookups don’t know any gay male couples — or none of the gay male couples they know told them the truth about how they met. Because most gay men who are partnered, cis or trans or combo platter, met their boyfriends and/or husbands under sleazy circumstances: they met during hookups arranged on apps or making out with hot strangers in bars and clubs. And here’s how gay couples who met the way you’ve been meeting men — doing something sleazy — made the upgrade from raunchy hookup to life partner: they went home with each other. They left the bar or the club and went back to someone’s place, and they fucked and/or passed out in a bed. And in the morning — maybe a little hungover but no longer drunk or high — they had some hot (and sober!) morning sex or a great conversation or went and grabbed breakfast someplace or all of the above. And then they exchanged phone numbers. Someone texted someone… they made a date to hookup again… and they didn’t need to be drunk or high the next time they met up, SOBER, because mutual attraction had already been established, and mutual attraction really is a better confidence-booster than drugs or alcohol. So, if what you want is a relationship — with a romantic partner or a reliable fuck buddy — and you’re not occasionally inviting a guy you clicked with at the bar or the club or the after back to your place, SOBER, or you’re not asking for his phone number and texting him about getting together again, you’re doing it wrong. Once more with feeling: If drugs and alcohol are destroying your life — if you can’t make rent or the sex you’re having is triggering or re-traumatizing (again, have to assume you would’ve included that detail) — then you have a substance abuse problem and you should stop. But if you’re using drugs and alcohol the same way lots of other people use them, e.g. to feel more confident and less self-conscious, you wanna make sure you’re getting the most bang for your bumps. And the way you do that, SOBER, is by being open to the possibility that the hot guy who fucked your brains out in the backroom could be your guy if you gave him a chance (and your number). P.S. Full disclosure: I have a pro-get-fucked-up-at-the-club bias, SOBER, as I (drunk) met my husband (high) in a club; we hooked up in the bathroom (very raunchy), I invited him back to my place, and had a nice conversation in the morning and decided to see each other again. Now, just because it worked for me — assuming you even want more than dick from a man — doesn’t mean it’ll work for you, individual results may vary, etc. And please check in with your friends about what you’re doing (your friends will know if you have a substance abuse problem), SOBER, as well as that new therapist you’re gonna get. I’m a married heterosexual cis woman kinkster writing from the Northeast. My husband and I have been monogamous and only played with each other for a decade and a half, but we’ve have agreed to try platonic play at some kink events we’re going to this fall. But how do I hang my shingle in regard to finding play partners? Playing with others is something I have been wanting to try but have never done besides the occasional demo bottoming. I am ready for more but now that the reality is coming closer, I don’t know quite know how to function. How do I place a good “personal ad” for platonic play? Is it better if I respond to existing posts? I don’t even know exactly what I’m looking for besides some new experiences. For context, I am a switch-y dominant-leaning masochist. I am nervous and excited and looking for some guidance. Married And Slightly Open Use your words: “Seeking BDSM play, not seeking sex.” That’s all you need to put on your shingle. You can also put those words on your kinky personal ad, paste them into your replies to other people’s ads, and use them when you strike up conversations at kink events with people. You’re gonna get the obvious follow-up question — what exactly counts as sex for you and your husband? — and you need to be ready with a clear, specific, and detailed answer. No PIV/PIB penetration, obviously. Is kissing allowed? Do you guys count oral (aka “soft swap”) as sex? BDSM play arouses you, MASO, otherwise you wouldn’t be engaging in it. Are your play partners allowed to do small, incidental things that might enhance your arousal? Is manual stimulation over your fetish wear allowed? Can your play partners grind against you? Can they wedge a vibrator between the ropes and your pussy, crank it up, and stand back? And if that vibrator makes you come, is that a violation of your rules or is that an act of God? The more precise you are, MASO, the easier finding the right play partners will be. And if you tell someone you’re only interested in platonic play — bondage and spanking and whatever else is allowed — and they don’t immediately ask you to clarify your precise sexual boundaries, that’s a yellow flag. Either they don’t care enough to make sure they’re respecting your limits, MASO, or they’d rather ask for forgiveness than permission — an aggravating-but-tolerable trait in a romantic partner (ask me how I know) but an unacceptable-and-possibly-dangerous one in a BDSM top (ditto). I’m currently separating from my husband who I’ve been with for a decade. Our sexual relationship was always kind of dysfunctional except for the first year or so but we had a don’t ask don’t tell arrangement that worked well and neutralized the issue for the most part. It’s not why we are separating. For the last year I’ve been periodically sleeping with a man who had been a close friend of mine for many years. As it has become clear that my marriage is ending, I’ve allowed myself to acknowledge romantic feelings for him and they’re reciprocated. He wants us to give dating a shot once my divorce is finalized. I think I want that, but there’s plenty of opinions on the internet about how foolish it is to try and parlay an affair into a real-world relationship. We are incredibly sexually compatible and really close friends, and I don’t want to set expectations at a place where the dynamic changes too much to retain the friendship and occasional fucking, but maybe we’ve already crossed that Rubicon? Am I being incredibly stupid? Is this something I could make work? Divorcing And Rebounding Well, you won’t be able to make it work with an attitude like that, young lady! Look, this might turn into something lasting, DAR, or this might be successful short-term relationship that gave you some joy during a hard time in your life. But if you let bitter strangers on the internet make the choice for you — and I’m guessing most of those posts were written by people who had been cheated on — you’ll never know which if this good thing could’ve become a good and lasting. And there are lots of women out there in stable, loving, and lasting relationships with men they met (and fucked) while they were married to other people — hell, the Queen of the United Fucking Kingdom parlayed an affair right into Buckingham Palace. Give your prince a chance! Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! 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