Cissies

...h and then we start having less sex and then it slowly becomes so terrible that I barely want to have sex with them anymore at all and then the relationship ends. I wonder if anyone else has had this experience, and if you have any comments. Help Explain This Male Entitlement Nonsense You’ve noticed a pattern: While not all cis het men suck — sounds like you’ve found and fucked a few good ones — cis het men who tell you they need to have sex regularly, that they can’t tolerate a lack of sex, and that they barely survived their last sexless relationships… those cis het guys tend to suck. In your experience, sex with cis het men who make speeches about how much sex they feel entitled to quickly becomes an obligation, not a pleasure. So, you’ve collected the data and you’ve identified a pattern — you’ve identified a literal and figurative tell — and with that data set in hand, HETMEN, you can make more informed choices going forward. If a cis het man is good sex and doesn’t suddenly launch into a speech about not being able to tolerate a lack of sex, you can continue fucking that cis het man. If a cis het man is good sex but suddenly makes a speech about how much sex he needs to have, you shouldn’t continue to fuck that cis het man because the sex isn’t going to stay good for long. Unless having your priors confirmed is your biggest kink, HETMEN, you shouldn’t keep fucking guys who make that speech until the sex is terrible. Get out while the fucking is good. Zooming out for a second: As tempting as it is to shrug and say, “Oh, yeah, some cis het men sure do suck,” which I think is what you expected me to say, I’m gonna be a contrary little cis homo and say this instead: While some of everybody sucks — some cis het men, some cis homos, some femme-presenting genderqueer AFAB persons, etc. — it’s not unreasonable for a person to talk about their sexual expectations, fantasies, desires, hopes, and prayers during the discovery phase of a relationship. If you’re fucking around in the hopes of finding a partner, HETMEN, you’re auditioning someone to play that part for you and they’re auditioning you to play that part for them. And I think it’s good when both parties are honest and upfront about the kinds of sex they wanna have and how much sex they ideally like to have. That goes double or triple or sextuple to the tenth power if a relationship is sexually exclusive or you hope to become sexually exclusive. So, and for the record, I don’t think there’s anything inherently problematic about a cis het dude — or any other type of person for that matter  (cis homo, trans lezbo, ace acrobat, etc.) — spelling out their needs and expectations early in a relationship. So long as someone is just as interested in hearing about their partners’ needs, wants, and expectations, so long as it’s a dialogue and not a monologue, and so long as someone is realistic about how everyday life sometimes disrupts regularly scheduled fucking, two people making their needs known to each other is a good thing. It’s certainly better than hoping your new partner can somehow read your mind. And for the record: life is long, every couple goes through dry spells, and no one is entitled to a certain amount of sex. Both partners — or all partners — should make a good faith effort to meet each other’s reasonable sexual needs, HETMEN, both should be willing to make reasonable accommodations when they can’t meet each other’s needs, and both should be down to have a little maintenance sex once in a while. And just like everybody gets to have limits and preferences, everyone gets to have — and everyone is allowed to share — their reasonable sexual expectations. Zooming out some more: If you’re queer as in not heterosexual and not just queer as in asymmetrical haircut, HETMEN, your dating pool is vast. You don’t have to settle for cis het men if you’ve had more bad experiences with cis het men than good ones. You can date and/or fuck cis women, bi women, trans women, trans guys, bi guys, AFAB enbies, AMAB enbies, pansexuals, omnisexuals, etc., etc., etc. You don’t have to keep eating your least favorite Skittle. Taste the rainbow. And my final comment… For all I know, you’ve dated tons of people who weren’t cis and straight and male and het. But on the off chance you haven’t, here’s what you’re likely to find out when you start dating other kinds of people: lots of people suck and all different kinds of people suck. While some would argue that cis het men suck at higher rates, your positive experiences with cis het men demonstrate that #NotAllCisHetMen suck. As a queer person myself, HETMEN, it saddens me to report that a significant percentage of the queers you’re going to fuck are also going to suck. Queers might suck in slightly different ways — our tells might be different — but my advice remains the same: don’t waste your time on people who suck, regardless of their sexual orientations, their gender identities, or their hairstyles. I am a cis het 40-year-old woman. I’m not a virgin, but I also haven’t had a ton of partners. I had sex with a man I like for the first time. This new partner — also cis and supposedly het — asked me to put my finger in his anus, something no straight man has ever asked me to do before. I listen to your show, Dan, so I understand that this can be very pleasurable. He asked for my consent, and I granted it. My friends are all very judgmental and say he has to be bisexual and that no straight man would ever be up for being on the receiving end of butt play. For the most part, I don’t care what they think, but I like this man and do not want to get attached if he has needs I can’t meet as a cis female. My questions are… 1. Is this a common thing for straight men to ask for? 2. How do I do it properly so as not to hurt him?  I really hope to hear back from you, Dan, because everyone else I know will tell me (or has told me) he is gay. I feel like I know you and I want to hear what you think before I proceed. Really Into New Guy 1. It depends on how you define “common.” Is this something most straight men ask for? No, it’s not. But there are enough straight guys out there who like to be fingered that I feel confident saying that the ask isn’t uncommon. It’s impossible to put a number to it, but I’d guess that tens of thousands of American men asked their female partners to finger them over the last week. Some used their words, some men used body language, but they asked. Now, this guy could be gay — anybody could be gay — but wanting a finger in his ass isn’t proof this guy wants to get dicked down. Not even wanting to be dicked down is proof a guy is gay these days, RING, as some straight guys are into pegging, some straight guys are extremely heteroflexible, and some straight guys like to bottom for trans women. Brave new world, such people in it, etc. And asking you, a straight woman, to put your finger in his ass is solid evidence this new partner of yours most likely isn’t gay. (The reaction of your friends, on the other hand, is proof they’re misinformed and homophobic.) While some deeply closeted gay men will have sex with women, RING, deeply closeted gay men are too insecure about seeming gay to ask the women they’re fucking to do shit that might seem gay. A closeted gay dude who didn’t want his new girlfriend to suspect he might be gay is less likely to ask to be fingered, plugged, or pegged than a straight guy who’s A. secure in his sexuality and B. not afraid of his own butt. As for your friends… You’re allowed to confide in a close friend or two about a new partner’s surprising sexual request. That’s fair. But it sounds like you asked all your friends about this — it sounds like you launched a thousand group chats — which isn’t fair. Confiding in a trusted friend is understandable and sometimes necessary for our physical and emotional safety, but to broadcast a new partner’s sexual interests to all of your friends — including friends he’ll presumably meet if you two wind up dating — is to violate his privacy. I don’t think you should apologize to him, RING, as he doesn’t need to know that all of your friends think he’s gay because he likes being fingered, but you should cap the number of friends you confide in going forward. One or two besties, RING, not the whole fucking sorority. 2. Here’s how it’s done: trim your nails, use plenty of lube, prep his hole before you penetrate him (massage and circle the outer ring with your lubed up finger before plunging in), and keep asking him if it feels good. If you find out you enjoy penetrating a man, Yahtzee! If you decide it’s not for you — if finger fucking a man is a turn-off (of if finger fucking this man is a turn-off) — you don’t have to do it and/or him again. We’re a married cisgender straight couple. We are both in our thirties and we live in a little town in Italy with our five-year-old daughter. We both had only monogamous relationships in the past, but with our previous partners we never experienced the same level of comfort we have between us. We talk a lot about our sexual relationship and in the past year or so we have been talking about — and fantasizing about — sharing ourselves with another couple. This is something neither of us dared to mention to our previous partners. We both want to see each other having sex with other people and we both want to experiment with homosexual activity during a threesome or a foursome. The problem is: we don’t know where to start. We never used online dating, nor do we know about places we can meet similarly interested couples. We have heard that pineapples are signs that identify couples that seek other couples. But if we see a pineapple in couple’s house, how do we make sure it’s not an accidental pineapple? We are worried we may get it wrong. Can you give us some advice for total beginners? Couple Urgently Requires Intensely Orgiastic Unrestricted Sex I googled this for you and found plenty of swingers’ clubs and sex-positive organizations in Italy. I’m not going to name any of them, CURIOUS, because I can’t do site visits and therefore can’t vouch for the crowd, décor, or vibes. But clubs for straight swingers exist in Italy, and they’re not exactly underground. They don’t exist in the small town where you live, most likely, but your child is old enough to spend a weekend with the grandparents while you and your wife spend the weekend “visiting museums” in Rome or Milan. Quick digression: Straight Italians who wanna have crazy and consensual sexual adventures are not being targeted by Giorgia Meloni’s rightwing populist government. It’s queer Italians whose lives are being demagogued about and whose rights are being rolled back under the banner of “family values.” Meanwhile, straight people — including Giorgia Meloni — are free to do/screw whatever the fuck they want. Back to your question, CURIOUS: Straight swingers once used pineapples as a sign — swingers displayed pineapples in their homes to let other swinging couples know they were swingers too — in the same way gay men once used hankies to signal their sexual interests to other gay men. But now we have the internet, CURIOUS, so swinging couples no longer have to rely on a symbol that might be misconstrued — sometimes a pineapple is just a pineapple — and gay men don’t have to rely on hankies that no one could actually see in the dim light of a gay bar. Swinging straight couples go to parties and get on hookup apps these days, and gay men list their sexual interests on Grindr, Sniffies, Scruff, Recon, etc. So, don’t risk an accidental pineapple. Get online and start googling, CURIOUS, look for clubs and parties in an Italian city near you. But just as decent Americans don’t fuck with Republicans, you and the wife shouldn’t fuck with Brothers of Italy. Got problems? Yes, you do! 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