Struggle Session: Catching Feelings and Staying Put

...https://savage.love/lovecast/2026/02/17/wheres-the-lube/">Episode 1006 from a widow who lost her husband about a year ago. I lost mine seven years ago and sadly I haven’t made another connection either. (I’m 71.) You recommended that she masturbate and I wholeheartedly agree. However, you suggested she not masturbate about her late husband and you shared your reasons, which were sound. But I contend your advice is wrong. I have my best orgasms while masturbating about being with my husband when he was still alive. Not only do I have the best orgasms, but I can practically feel his arms around me when I fall asleep after. It’s very comforting. I think this might be better advice for your caller. I’m so grateful you took the time to write, C, and after reading your moving letter… I’m gonna urge my recently widowed caller — if she’s reading this — to disregard my advice and take yours instead. If she finds comfort masturbating to thoughts of her late husband, she should do so. I’m so sorry for your loss, C, and I’m so glad you still feel your husband’s arms around you. (Oh, and AFAB stands for “assigned female at birth.”) This week’s column kicked off with a letter from an AFAB non-binary queer person in a relationship with another AFAB non-binary queer person. Their relationship was been open at the start before “defaulting” to monogamy once they had a couple of kids. OPEN jumped into the comment thread to share what they feared if the couple was to reopen their once-open-but-now-closed relationship… I am afraid of feelings entering the chat, as we both got into this relationship while poly with other people and trying not to catch feelings. Mx. OPEN really really wants another baby, and in the nearest possible future. I also want an open relationship (for me and for my partner), but as close to sex-only (no feelings) as possible. To be clear: OPEN and Mx. OPEN both want a third child — I was wondering about that (see my first P.S.) — but Mx. OPEN doesn’t want to remain monogamous until their kids are grown. So, assuming Mx. OPEN insists on a re-opening the relationship, the obvious solution would be some allowance for outside sex — when bandwidth allows — so long as feelings aren’t involved. Forgive me for trafficking in sex-based stereotypes here… While “feelings entering the chat” is always a risk for couples who open their relationships, people who are women and/or were assigned female at birth are at greater risk of catching feelings. Men and/or people who were assigned male at birth are pretty good (sometimes too good) at having sex without catching feelings, but it’s harder for women and/or people who were assigned female at birth to fuck around without catching feelings for all sorts of reasons —  some good, some bad, some dark — but I’m not going to unpack them here. (Feel free to speculate about those reasons in the comments.) And I gotta say… catching feelings is fine. Feelings are good things. OPEN and Mx. OPEN wouldn’t be together — and they wouldn’t have the family they do now — if they hadn’t caught feelings for each other back when they weren’t supposed to. That said, given OPEN and Mx. OPEN’s track record where catching-feelings-for-ostensible-thirds is concerned, and given OPEN and Mx. OPEN’s very busy home life, the catching of feelings for a third could seriously complicate their lives. And they have kids to think about and prioritize. So, OPEN’s fears are not unfounded. But while the risks involved with opening this relationship are obvious and telling Mx. OPEN to suck it up and go without/go with less is tempting, there are less obvious risks to keeping this relationship closed. (What if Mx. OPEN isn’t willing or able to suck it up?) Ryan W did a great job unpacking those risks in this comment… I’m glad Dan mentioned at the end of his response to OPEN that there is also risks to not re-opening the relationship, but I wish he had explored that more. It sounds to me like OPEN is the low libido partner, and like most LLP’s, they just assume that their partner is should be able to be just as accepting as they are of their sexual frequency. OPEN is fine with 3x a month and seems to think their partner should be too. And sex is apparently a low enough priority for OPEN that they are fine with just ignoring the issue till the kids are older. All the evidence, however, suggests that OPEN’s partner does not remotely share those feelings. They need more sex, they need it now, and they are not willing to wait. If OPEN doesn’t find some way to address that need, then the relationship simply will not survive. (It is really not fair that the High Libido Partner seems to always be expected to adjust to the LLP as a default.) What we want here, of course, is for OPEN and Mx. OPEN’s relationship to survive, and it’s not a given that keeping the relationship closed is the best way to ensure its survival. Says TimeForANap on Bluesky… Dan. Thank you for your service 🫡 but if I have to spend another second of my life contemplating the phrase “rectal mucus” I’m gonna hurl. Forgive me, TimeForANap. But if you’re into butt stuff, rectal mucus — the good kind — is your friend. So many outraged emails from men like Jonathan… Regarding Episode 1005: What’s with the beard shaming, Dan?!? Ok, the female caller and you don’t like beards and are hoping this “trend” will go away. You know what trend I want to go away? Guys wearing baseball caps backwards and guys with crappy tattoos! For many men, a nicely trimmed beard can improve or accentuate the face just like makeup canimprove or accentuate a woman’s face. I’m a bearded gay man and love beards on other guys! In fact, beards define masculinity for many gay men and are an important component of sexual attraction. And for many of us, beards are a big part of sex! There’s something very sensual about rubbing your hard cock on a guy’s beard. It’s so hot to face-fuck a bearded guy! And delivering a facial (consensually of course) onto the face of a bearded man is amazing! Tastes differ, I realize, but beard shaming is not okay! If expressing a clear preference for clean-shaven guys amounts to beard shaming… wouldn’t expressing a strong preference for bearded guys (like Jonathan did here so vividly) amount clean-shaven shaming? Or does does the shaming only work in one direction? (My God, I thought men with beards were supposed to be the manly men with hairy faces and my inbox is full of bearded manly men falling to pieces because not everyone loves their beards! Nut up, Bros!) This came in via email… I love you a lot! But on your most recent episode — answering a question from a person who had difficulty because of her location — you suggested they relocate to a bigger city. This broke my heart! I live in the Canadian Arctic. I make a sustainable income here that I wouldn’t make elsewhere. It’s okay to say “move where you can meet people,” of course, but I love where I live. I make a difference here! And I don’t want to move! But I am so lonely. There really is no easy answer. It’s okay to say it sucks and there is no easy answer. But telling people to move to a big city… I don’t think that’s right. We need people fighting everywhere. I love you, Dan! I love you too! And while I agree we need people fighting everywhere —  and thank you for fighting the good fight in the Canadian Arctic — I don’t think it’s fair to ask someone to remain in a place where they’re lonely, however much good their presence might be doing. As other listeners and readers pointed out to the caller who lives in a rural area that he loves but that has made him feel very lonely, starting a Substack or an Instagram account about his life might attract the attention of someone living in a big city (or in another rural area) who might wanna join him in his little corner of the world. Maybe the same approach would work for you, Elsa? Okay, here’s this week’s letter for the gang to have a whack at… I have a problem. We are a heterosexual man/woman couple, very close, together fifteen years, kids, etc. There was only one period of a bit of fatigue in our sex life, but we committed to rebuilding intimacy, finding new games, and discovered we are quite kinky. Like a “good” straight man, my husband is fairly jealous, although less and less, so we’ve been exploring new situations (clubs, spas, etc.) But interactions with other men are off the table. I’m totally transformed and now everything excites me, including the idea that of him having sex with another women in front of me. All good! What’s the problem? I’m very conventionally attractive still, despite two children, while my husband is… less so. He’s gained quite a bit of weight over the years. This is absolutely no problem for me — he’s so virile and so good in bed (he always has been) that the fact he has a belly changes nothing for me. But this limits us a lot in finding women to have fun with. Unicorns are not as rare as people say, but they are very selective. And it’s very difficult to get past the physical appearance filter… which is a shame, because he is really very good and, in the few threesomes we’ve had, he was fantastic. I am starting to feel restless because I’d like to do certain things and I can’t. What do you do in a situation like this? Italian Material Girl Got some advice for IMG? Drop it on the comments…