Struggle Session and The Thursday Letter

...DanFan%20%E2%80%A2%201%20year%20ago">around Christmas 2024) to complain that “only” one-in-five straight women were open to dating bisexual men (cry me a river, bi guys: only one-in-twenty men are open to dating men!) then he’s not allowed to complain about a girlfriend who’s so into him being bisexual that she wants to watch him suck a cock. Says Alex… Regarding “cry me a river”: there is a difference between men who won’t date other men because they’re not attracted to men, nor can they be, and women not dating bisexual men they can be attracted to because prejudice. I know there’s a difference, Alex, but this is a hill I’m willing to die on. Because I’m talking numbers and odds here — not motivations, not affronts, but percentages and opportunities. Yes, it sucks that some women won’t date bi guys simply because they’re bi. But that’s not the only prejudice people face when it comes to mating and dating. (Some 22-year-old gay men won’t date me because those ageist little bastards think I’m too old, Alex, but I don’t let those prejudiced little shits get me down.) Gay men somehow manage to find fuckbuddies and subs and firsts and seconds and thirds in that much smaller pool of potential partners — only one-in-twenty men are gay — and gay men routinely face rejection “because prejudice.” (Age, size, race, credit score, sex, etc.) If gay men can make dating/mating work with roughly 5% of the male population to draw from, I think bisexual guys — at least the heteroromantic ones — should be able to make it work with four times as much of the female population to draw from. That said, I certainly think people are allowed to complain when they’re rejected for reasons that seem unfair — hell, we’re allowed to complain when we’re rejected for reasons that are completely fair. (I recently had to listen to a friend complain about being dumped by the boyfriend he hadn’t fucked for nine months.) What I can’t tolerate is whining about the impossibility of finding someone when 20% (or more!) of women are willing to date you! And other bisexual guys! And gay men! And I have even less patience for a bisexual guy who complains about women who won’t date them with one breath and then shames their girlfriend for being too excited about their bisexuality with the next. Now, we don’t know if Q25’s bisexual boyfriend is guilty of this — that fact is not in evidence — so it was unfair of me to ding him for that. Maybe Q25 said the wrong thing or came across like a creep when she asked to watch those videos. But given a choice between a woman who was willing to overlook your bisexuality and a woman who literally wanted to watch… why wouldn’t a bi guy choose the latter? Says Token Zoomer… Commenting for the first time ever because it’s driving me crazy that no one has floated the possibility that Q18 is fake. Certainly there are annoying nonbinary people in the world, especially if they’re very young and still caught up in the baby gay energy, but the glob of identity politics buzzwords in this question sounds soooo much to me like someone making up a caricature of an annoying nonbinary person. I’m 26. I have a lot of nonbinary friends. No one fucking talks like this. But yeah, on the off chance it’s real, this relationship is doomed. Welcome to the commentariat, Token Zoomer! I have encountered some extremely annoying, buzzword-spewing nonbinary people in the wild — I have been to NGLTF’s Creating Change conference — but I’ve also encountered some extremely annoying, shade-throwing gay men. A statistically significant percentage of every group is going to be made up of extremely annoying people. Q18 was submitted via IG when I posted my call for quickie questions — so, it wasn’t an anon question submitted at savage.love/askdan. It came attached to an active Instagram account. I obviously can’t link to the account here — questions are anonymous — but I clicked through and checked out their IG feed when the question came in, Token, and I’m sorry to report that their hair was blue. (I checked the account out before the column went up… when I went to check again just now, I was blocked. So, I guess they saw my answer and didn’t like it.) And for the record: I’ve met some perfectly nice, perfectly normal, perfectly sane nonbinary people who make a point of using only gender-neutral language in reference to others, significant others included, regardless of their stated and/or revealed preferences regarding pronouns and gendered language. Not out of disrespect, but to normalize gender-neutral language and make a political point. So, it’s possible that the person who wrote Q18 isn’t as annoying in person as their quick question made them sound. BiDanFan offers Q3 — the man whose wife has suddenly lost interest in sex — much better advice than I did… “LW3: How old is your wife? If she is in her 40s or early 50s, the likeliest explanation is that she has entered perimenopause. This is a normal and natural process all cis women go through, and one of its most common symptoms is loss of libido…” There’s a lot more to BiDanFan’s comment — and I encourage all men with middle-aged wives who’ve suddenly lost interest in sex to read it and I’m will try to remember BiDanFan’s advice the next time I get a question like Q3… which I probably got three or four as I was working on this post. It’s Relative has some advice for people — like a caller on this week’s show — who are disturbed by their spouse’s browser histories… Don’t make big assumptions when you see your husband’s porn choices. If my wife saw mine she could easily assume that I’m totally into incest or gangbangs. But she’d be wrong. If I see a nice butt or an actor that appeals to me, I click. The costumes, plot etc. are just window dressing. Tall Canadian agrees… I came here to say the same thing. I’ve clicked on particular porn scenes because I liked a particular performer and then recoiled in horror when I saw the actual scene. But it would still show up in my history. Agreed — and, yeah, I will click on pretty much anything Leo Louis is in, as he simultaneously embodies the Platonic and Dionysian ideals of the hot, hung, Muppet-faced man. So, I agree that there are people out there who are fans of particular performers and will watch anything they’re in, even if what they’re doing isn’t their own particular thing. This came in via email from what I have to assume is a brand new listener/reader… I was hoping someone with your platform could talk about the risks of choking during sex. A friend of mine injured his partner and is facing criminal charges. In our jurisdiction, the maximum sentence is 20 years. I’ve never met the victim, but I hope she makes a full recovery. Women online are discussing a rampant epidemic of men choking them without consent, many of them suffering from serious injuries, including signs of hemorrhaging. I’ve been using my platform to talk about the dangers of sexual choking! Check out past episodes of the Lovecast featuring sex researcher Dr. Debbie Herbenick and author Peggy Orenstein — and I’ve written I don’t know how many columns about the risks of choking over the years. You could say I grabbed this issue by the throat long ago. And here’s the Thursday Letter… My wife and I met mid-life, post-divorce. We’ve now been together nearly ten years, married with kids and step-kids. We both love and appreciate each other as life partners. Pre-menopause, she had a much higher libido and always came quickly, multiple times with PIV. Post-menopause, it takes her longer and it doesn’t always happen without help from a vibrator, oral, etc. She has had a long sexual history and misses the old days. I married young, had a mostly sexless first marriage. Her slow-down was my speed-up. We have regular sex, and generally both of us have some kind of orgasm most of the time. Starting a few years ago, she let me know that she really prefers “a more Dominant style lover,” someone sexually confident, and able to last with her through multiple PIV orgasms before coming. I’m attentive, caring, and generally unselfish. I’m just not those things. PIV cervical orgasm is her favorite flavor, by far. Sometimes it happens with us, but less frequently as time has passed. We are both readers/listeners and try hard to be GGG. I’ve tried to address her stamina needs — antidepressant meds, numbing cream, cock rings, boner pills. Even tried one of those penis sheaths, which was a complete disaster. My attempts at Dom-energy are laughable and she rightly says they are too inauthentic to be exciting. These days she tells me just not to talk; it’s “not [your] skillset,” she says. Her frustration has become more palpable. She says we’re not compatible sexually, which seems to be something she’s only realized after some time together. I’ve stretched to meet her needs as much as I’m able, without much success. I feel like it’s not okay just being myself. I finally mentioned opening things up so she can experiment with getting her needs met with different dicks, which left me feeling sadly inadequate. My question is: How can we frame this evolving situation in a loving way for both of us? It feels one-sided. I’m not unhappy with our sex life and not looking to step out. I’m not under duress. I want her to live her best life, but it hurts to feel like a disappointment to her especially after committing to what I thought was a monogamous sex life. Boner Pills Can Only Do So Much Have some advice for BPCODSM? Drop it in the comments…