I’m a 26-year-old cis gay boy. I met my 28-year-old boyfriend in an actual bar and not an app — like it was 1978 or something — so we didn’t share our sexual interests before we met. We hooked up that night and things got serious pretty quick. He was the first guy I met in a long time who was actually single (I was 24 and already done dating married guys) and he was really into me. Which is why I hesitated to tell him about my kinks. I didn’t want to ruin it.
Six months in, I laid my kink cards on the table, like my gay sex guru recommends: I’m into bondage and need to get tied up once in a while. (Once in a while = once a week.) I knew I liked being tied up before I knew I was gay. Sadly, my boyfriend has no kinks, but he said he was open to mine. The first few times were great — I’d never been tied up by someone I was in love with before! — but now it only happens when I beg him for it. Even worse, he treats it like a chore. Once he was jacking me off while he was scrolling on his phone, and I had to ask him to put his phone down. Another time he tied me up and looked at me and said, “Happy now?” in this really sarcastic tone.
I don’t want him to tie me up anymore. It’s no fun being kink-shamed like this. But I can’t live without bondage and he’s not even willing to discuss opening our relationship, so me going off to get tied up by some guy who actually enjoys tying a boy up is a non-starter. Is there a fix?
Bound For Disappointment
Thank you for writing in, BFD, I really needed — OMG, did I ever need — an easy question to kick off the column this week.
DTMFA. That’s your fix, BFD: dump the motherfucker already.
Or if you’re not ready to dump the motherfucker, BFD, you need to issue a credible threat to dump the motherfucker. Because one of you is gonna have to pay the price of admission — you’ll have to go without bondage, BFD, or he’ll have to let go of monogamy —and I don’t think it can be you.
Zooming out for a second: BFD’s boyfriend reminds me of the kind of wife who doesn’t like sucking cock — at least not her husband’s cock — but who sucks her husband’s cock once a year on his birthday. Badly. That way, when her husband starts turning down those bad birthday blowjob after ten years, the wife can tell herself (and tell her husband) that it’s not her fault he doesn’t his cock sucked anymore. Because she’s willing to suck his cock — once a year, on his birthday, badly — which means he’s not allowed to complain about never getting his cock sucked (bad birthday blowjobs are still on the table) and he’s not allowed to find someone else to suck his cock (because that would be cheating).
Before we proceed: husbands who don’t go down on their wives — regularly and enthusiastically — aren’t allowed to complain about “only’ getting bad blowjobs on their birthdays. Enthusiastic oral is a less frequent occurrence the longer any couple is together, but enthusiastic oral — even if it only happens on birthdays — should always be reciprocal.
Anyway, BFD, it sounds like your boyfriend has adopted the bad birthday blowjob strategy. He’s tying you up, he’s doing it badly, and he’s already gotten you to the point — in two short years — where you’d rather he didn’t tie you up at all. But you aren’t allowed to complain (because bad bondage is still on the table) and you aren’t allowed to go find someone else to tie you up (because he insists on monogamy). And while going without oral is a price of admission someone could reasonably pay to make an otherwise sexually fulfilling relationship work, going without bondage isn’t something you will be able to do. Because if you were into bondage before you were into men, BFD, bondage isn’t one of many sex acts you might enjoy with a partner. It’s a hard-wired, deep-seated erotic compulsion.
If you’re not ready to DTMFA — if your boyfriend has redeeming qualities you failed to mention, BFD, and you wanna try to make this work — you’re gonna have to call his bluff: “Tying me up is a chore that you hate, honey, and you’ll be glad to hear it’s not a chore you have to do anymore. Because I’m never gonna ask you to tie me up again. But like I told you early in our relationship, bondage is an important part of my sexuality. So, if we’re gonna stay together — if we’re gonna make this work — I’m gonna need a hall pass for bondage. There are guys out there who will tie me up without doing anything else, and there are bondage-only play parties I could attend. We would still be monogamous in all the ways that really count. If you can think of this as finding someone to do a chore you hate, honey, and not as cheating, it’ll work.”
Your boyfriend may not want to discuss opening up your relationship — just a crack, just for bondage — but once he realizes you’re issuing an ultimatum, BFD, and not asking him to have a conversation about scheduling a time to discuss the possibility of opening your relationship at some point in the future… you’ll get an answer out of him pretty quickly.
P.S. Gay men were meeting their boyfriends pretty much exclusively in bars and clubs until the mid-1990s, BFD, which was when Craigslist and AOL chat rooms and Gay.com (RIP) all came online at pretty much the same time. But here’s to people going out and meeting face-to-face in bars and clubs!
I lost my partner of nearly two decades semi-abruptly last month. I really appreciate your recent widow coverage, because it let me know that being intensely, uncomfortably horny is extremely normal, and I’ve felt less bad about being on the apps. (I don’t feel like I’m not honoring my partner — neither of us was particularly attached to monogamy — it just felt weird.) There is one issue I’m still stuck on: Should I be disclosing my very recent widow status? Should people know what they’re getting into? Or is my emotional vulnerability kind of covered because there’s always the possibility that someone’s going to cry or ghost you? I think I may have already hurt someone’s feelings, and it was only a sexting situation.
Widow In Despair Only Wants Sex
P.S. Can we think of a better name than “widow’s fire” for those of us under the age of 70?
First, I’m so sorry for the sudden loss of your partner, WIDOWS, and I’m glad the conversations here about widow’s fire have been a comfort to you.
As for what to tell people…
Saying, “Just so you know, I’m recently widowed and might go to pieces the first time we fuck,” could scare off some guys. On the upside, it will scare off some of the right guys — it’ll scare off any guy who doesn’t want to take on the small bit of emotional responsibility (not even offering kind words to a casual sex partner in distress) — but it could scare off some good and decent guys, too, if you reveal it too soon.
Still, I would encourage you to disclose for your own sake, WIDOWS, because you don’t want to break down in a room with a guy who can’t offer you some comfort you and/or tries to make your breakdown about himself, e.g. he gets upset he wasn’t warned and expects you to comfort him. But I think you should wait until you’re fairly sure you’ve found someone you wanna hook up with in person. After you’ve made a connection — after you’ve both made a small investment in each other and you’re planning a first meeting (in a public place, WIDOWS, for coffee and a vibe check) — you should tell him what he’s signing up for: while anyone could fall to pieces during sex, there’s a slightly elevated risk you might, as you’ve been recently widowed. Reassure him that you don’t expect him to go from fuckbuddy to grief counselor if you should get overwhelmed, you just need him not to be asshole if it happens. It’s not a high bar, WIDOWS, and you’re far less likely to go to pieces if you’re with a guy who is confident — and who has assured you in advance — that he can clear it.
P.S. I can’t think of a better term than “widow’s fire,” sadly, but I bet one of the Savage Love commentariat can. What do you say, gang?
P.P.S. Ghosting people is never okay — not even for widows. If you’ve been chatting with someone for a while and you know you’re not interested, send a final text letting the other person know. If you have the emotional bandwidth to be on the apps, you have the bandwidth to send a thanks-but-no-thanks text. And while, “It’s not you, it’s me,” is a white lie in most cases, in yours it will be true. So, don’t hesitate to use it.
I know what you are going to say, but please spare me. Your criticism for my life choices, even if deserved, won’t help. I’m in my late sixties and deep in the closet. (I’ve also been married for decades.) But a 31-year-old guy has flipped my world. I’ve completely fallen for him. First, he caught me off guard with unexpected compliments. Then he started making jokes with serious innuendos. He even once offered to kiss a scrape on my hand. I thought he was interested but I wasn’t ready. And some of these “advances” were kind of public, which spooked me. Despite the age gap, we have common interests. Did I miss my opportunity? Should I just blurt out, “I feel a certain vibe between us,” and see what happens? Do you have any constructive advice for me?
Feels Like Intense Passion
Instead of me saying something — I’m gonna spare you, FLIP, per your request — I’ll let my old pals Guy Lombardo, Louis Prima, and Doris Day do the talking:
Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.
Enjoy yourself, while you’re still in the pink.
The years go by, as quickly as a wink.
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think.
P.S. Like Guy, Louis, and Doris (all dead now), FLIP, you’re gonna be dead soon, too. (We could all be dead tomorrow at the rate things are going.) Unlike a deeply closeted gay man in his twenties with (fingers crossed) decades to make it happen for himself, you do not have the luxury of time. So, if you wanna suck some dick before you die, FLIP, you need to get on it. Ideally, you would get the wife’s permission first, but if your marriage is loving and companionate but sexless… because you’ve been together forever or because you’ve been gay they whole time (just stating a fact here, FLIP, not critiquing your choices)… you could rationalize getting it (the dick) without getting it (the wife’s permission) first. But don’t wait forever to shoot your shot, FLIP, because Guy, Louis, and Doris are right: it’s later than you think.
P.P.S. This guy could be hitting on you… or he could be one of those straight guys who thinks it’s hilarious to flirt with other straight-or-presumed-to-be-straight men. And seeing as you’re deeply closeted and married to a woman (you don’t mention the sex of your spouse, FLIP, but your closet would be a shallow one if you were married to a man), this guy might think he’s playing gay chicken with another straight dude and not even realize he’s flipping your world every time he offers to kiss your boo-boo.
P.P.P.S. Messy young(er) gay guys who make passes at straight married men in front of other people are a lot of things, FLIP, but they aren’t discreet. So, while you’re thinking about getting with a man who’s already demonstrated poor judgment and/or a lack of impulse control, FLIP, I’m thinking a guy like that might not be a closeted/DL guy’s best choice for a first gay experience. If things go well and he catches feelings, he could do something stupid and out you by accident. If things go poorly and he gets angry, he could do something vindictive and out you on purpose. What do you stand to lose if you were outed now? Give some thoughts to the stakes before you blurt something you can’t un-blurt.
P.P.P.P.S. If you’re gonna get out there and do what you wanna do before you die, FLIP, your wife should have the freedom to do the same. You don’t necessarily have to come out to her, FLIP, but you should have a conversation with your wife — an admittedly difficult one — where you release her from the monogamous commitment she made to you and ask her to do the same for you. That convo will create some stress (again, it’s a difficult conversation) but having that convo will relieve you of some significant stress if you do wind up fucking this guy. Because if you get caught — if he shows up drunk on your porch in the middle of the night — you’ll be outed as a gay man, FLIP, but not as a cheater.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Not sure this response can bear the weight of another P.S. — one added after publication even — but I felt like I had to add this: If your marriage is sexless and/or and your sex life has always been fraught — because you’re a deeply closeted gay man — there’s a good chance your wife blames herself, FLIP. I’ve heard from many straight women over the years who were married to closeted men and many of these women knew something was wrong and were convinced (or were gaslit into believing) that they were the problem. They weren’t attractive enough or they were too needy or they were too boring in bed. Many wasted years (and $$$) on individual therapy and couples counseling only to discover, twenty or thirty years in, that they were not the problem. So, while I don’t want to see you outed to your wife, FLIP, if you’re one of those men who hollowed out a woman’s soul and used it as a closet — and I’m not saying you are — I hope you do the right thing, come out to your wife, and apologize.
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