On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and let my readers give the advice.
I don’t even know how to start. I’m a 28-year-old female. I’ve been in two longterm relationships since I was fifteen, with only a couple of months between the first and the second. I’ve always had problems with sex. I got together with my first boyfriend because he was smart and kind and funny — but he didn’t attract me sexually at all. So, the physical part lacked for almost two years. At first I didn’t let him touch me, because I thought it was disgusting. But I wanted him to do it, theoretically, even though I couldn’t. I’m not Catholic, and I never had a strong religious education. (As a child I was super fascinated by sex, I remember looking at porno books in the libraries while my parents...
...ooks in the libraries while my parents bought other stuff and playing “make believe” with my friends, all female. We had “dates” that ended up below the covers, with us pressing one against the other and kissing with a hand between our mouths.)
But then something clicked, I don’t know what and we started having sex. But it was always disappointing, so much so that he suggested I must have some trauma in my past. Even after I was attracted to him it still felt there was this huge thing between us that prevented me from letting go. Not that I knew how to. Then we broke up in a very hurtful and violent way after something like eight years together.
I met the guy I’m with now a couple of months later. And the same stuff happened again with him. At the beginning I lied, because I couldn’t bear the thought that he could think I was missing something, like my first boyfriend did. Then I started communicating with him about stuff I could like more or like less. The sex with him is better but it’s never good. Decent, sometimes, but not great. Yes, I masturbate. Quite frequently actually, and I don’t have any problems with that. I started using vibrators with him, but it’s like my body — if I am with someone — is incapable of reacting as it should.
Recently, I met a guy I was strongly attracted to. I couldn’t sleep with him, because I didn’t want to betray my partner. But he was hard to resist, I never felt that kind of pure physical attraction. Also, I think I might be bi. I’m attracted to some girls, and when I masturbate sometimes I think about them, or just female bodies in general. Still, I don’t know what to do. I feel like a perverse mind stuck in a prude body and I will be like this forever. I tried to talk to my partner about the idea of opening the relationship, but he doesn’t want to. I think I have some kinks like voyeurism and playing with knives (I realized it when I met the other guy), but my partner is not into that. And even if he was I don’t know if I would be able to explore it with him — or with anyone else for that matter.
I feel like I must understand myself before I can finally have good sex but I have no idea how to do it. And I’m scared as shit that I will never be able to do it. How do I even get started?
Just Wants Good Sex
Got some advice for JWGS? Drop it in the comments!
