1. What if I’m turned on by my own trauma? What do I do with this?
You do therapy with it.
And then after you’ve worked through your trauma with the help of your therapist (which includes unpacking your feelings about being turned on by your trauma), you can — taking the tiniest of baby steps — explore these turn-ons to see if they’re something you can safely and enjoyably incorporate into your IRL sex life or if they need to remain fantasy material only.
2. I’m a cis bi female fifty-something subbie in a committed relationship. I enjoy being teased and denied. I wish I could use a cock cage but sadly I lack the proper anatomy. Is there something equivalent for vagina-havers? Preferably something that doesn’t require piercings to hold it in place.
Has the insane popularity of male chastity devices in the last decade — cock cages — really obscured the fact that these “chastity devices” had to be qualified with “male” in the first place because “chastity devices” (aka “chastity belts”) were originally a tool of the patriarchy? If there are women out there who don’t know that chastity devices were first used to deny women control of their own bodies/genitals… well, I guess that’s a sign of progress. And since signs of progress are few and far between these days, I think we should celebrate this one somehow.
P.S. A nice selection of high-end chastity devices for women can be found here.
3. You often say that folks routinely send you photos of their rashes/warts/etc., to which your response is “I’m not a doctor; go see a doctor!” Fair enough. But given that you’ve made a life-long career out of sex advice, and given that this field is closely linked to genital health, I have to wonder: by now do you think your genital medical expertise approaches that of a urologist/OBGYN?
Absolutely not! While I’m more informed about genital health than the average person (and way more informed about vaginal health than a gay man has any right to be), that’s entirely thanks to the actual doctors who’ve shared their expertise and insight with me over the years. Writing a sex advice column is a lot of things — most of them great — but it’s not med school.
4. We’re a lesbian couple, together for fifteen years. I’d like to spice things up a bit, so I suggested we watch porn. My wife expressed that as she’s gotten older, she’s become increasingly uncomfortable with the exploitation she perceives in most porn. I know some people perform in porn who don’t want to and who would prefer to make a living in other ways, but I also know that some people choose this as their career. The whole industry can’t be exploitative, right? I’d like to find ethical, exciting woman-centered porn to share with my wife. Do you have any suggestions for us?
“There is no such thing as perfectly pure labor under capitalism,” said Erika Lust, the award-winning filmmaker who creates sex-positive, indie adult cinema. “But there is a meaningful difference between exploitation and choice. Ethical porn exists because performers and directors like myself demanded better conditions, and because viewers like you refused to accept pleasure at someone else’s expense. If porn makes you ask hard questions, that doesn’t mean you should turn away. It means you’re ready to look deeper and to choose differently. That choice matters.”
And the porn Erika Lust creates — which includes amazing lesbian porn (not that you’re limited to watching lesbian porn) — is just what you and your wife are looking for. Subscribe and enjoy! Without guilt!
On the Lovecast: It’s the 1000th Episode! Ezra Klien, Esther Perell, Mistress Matisse, and more! Listen Now!
5. I’ve been texting with a distant man for about six months. He’s moving home soon, and we’ve been talking about love and marriage. He’s ideal except for one detail: I’m a Boomer (71 years old) and he’s GenX (43 years old). None of my, “You know, when you’re my age, I’ll be dead,” talks have had any effect on him. He’s everything I want, and it would sure make for an active retirement. But am I being selfish here?
I don’t think you’re being selfish — if you meet this man and you hit it off, feel free to enjoy him for as long as it lasts (or for as long as you do) — but there’s a good chance you’re being foolish. It doesn’t sound like you’ve met this man in person, which means any talk about love and/or marriage is extremely premature. Infatuations are fine, and fantasizing about a future with a hot stranger is wonderful, but you shouldn’t be making long-range plans with someone you haven’t even smelled yet. And if he’s been initiating these conversations — if he’s the one bringing up marriage — that’s a red flag.
6. Does Dan have advice on how a lifelong vanilla person moves on from a six-month relationship where they were introduced to kink, power exchange, orgasm denial, edging, and more? I can’t see how one could be satisfied without kink now. I’ve just had a relationship like this end, and I feel that if I don’t get that again, my sex life will always be disappointing.
You have two options:
Option #1: You can find kinky people on FetLife and Feeld — carefully screen potential new play partners, ask for references, meet in a neutral place for a vibe check before playing, etc. — and meet kinky people at munches and sloshes and other kink community events.
Option #2: You can make kinky people by sharing your kinks with new vanilla-or-presumed-to-be-vanilla partners and asking them if they might be interested in exploring your kinks with you. You know this option works — introducing someone to kink can awaken the kinkster inside them — because it worked on you, right?
7. Do you have any suggestions for a BDSM for beginners’ book? I’d like one that goes over information regarding both dominance and submission and goes over emotional elements as well as practical how-to information. Thanks!
My top three recommendations: The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino, Playing Well With Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams, and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Molly Devon and Philip Miller.
8. For a guy so big on dominance, why is Trump so submissive towards Putin?
We shouldn’t take the pee tape literally, but we should take it seriously — meaning, even if the pee tape (or worse) doesn’t exist, it might as well exist (and be locked in a safe in the Kremlin) given Trump’s craven and treasonous submission to Putin. Also: ITMFA!
9. Secret perving on my hot doctor who is ten years my junior — that’s okay, right?
Given Connor Storrie is just 25 years old and people of all ages are openly perving on him everywhere — the looks, the talent, the glutes — secretly perving on your hot doctor is perfectly fine… so long as your perving is truly secret.
P.S. I know some hot people. My general impression: hot people know they’re hot, they enjoy being hot, and they aren’t offended by other people enjoying their hotness… so long as other people are respectful about it. So, jacking off about your hot doctor after an appointment is fine. Telling your hot doctor at your appointment that you’re going to be jacking off about them after your appointment is not.
P.S. Heated Rivalry — such good fucking and so fucking good!
10. Best lube for stretching with large silicone butt toys?
I asked a good friend with an amazing collection of silicone butt toys — and an equally amazing butt — for his recommendations and he sent along two: Loovora Long Night Stand and X-Lube.
11. How do gay guys not get jealous in open relationships?
Who told you gay guys in open relationships don’t get jealous? We get jealous — as do gay guys in closed relationships, bi girls in closed relationships, ace they/thems in queer poly platonic relationships, etc., etc. etc. Basically, everyone experiences jealousy, regardless of their sexual orientation or relationship status/goals. Closed relationships don’t magically protect you from jealousy and open ones don’t magically make you immune to it.
12. Fifties cis het woman. Many men on kink sites say they want to “push boundaries.” Red flag?
On the one hand, playing with someone who pushes your limits — gradually, carefully, consensually — is often how people discover new sexual interests. Our limits aren’t static and we often revise them after someone talks us into stepping outside our comfort zone. On the other hand, someone who puts “pushes boundaries” on their profile might think they’re entitled to ignore or violate your boundaries because it said “pushes boundaries” right there in their bio. So, before you play with someone with “pushes boundaries” in their bio, ask them what that means to them in theory, ask them what it looks like in practice, and ask for (and check) their references.
13. Are those foreskin restoration devices legit?
They’re legit insofar as they exist — I mean, some circumcised men actually buy them and use them. Do they actually do what they claim to do? Well, skin is elastic, and it can be stretched, which is what those “foreskin restoration” devices do: they stretch the skin of the penis, which can recreate — to a certain limited extent — some of the appearance and functionality of a foreskin. But they can’t bring back nerve endings that were sliced off.
14. Top two recommendations for getting the spark back?
Fuck someplace else (realistic and helpful advice), fuck someone else (unrealistic and unhelpful advice).
P.S. Most answers to this question — which may be the most common question put to sex-and-relationship columnists/podcasters/therapists — assume mutual interest in reigniting the spark… which isn’t always the case. If one person in a couple doesn’t want to fuck the other person in a couple (not anymore or not ever), telling that couple to go fuck outside isn’t going to solve their problem… and telling them to fuck someone else could make their problems worse.
15. Will you ever pose nude?
Even if interest in nude photos of me existed — which I do not believe — my parasitic twin would never consent, so that photo shoot is never gonna happen.
16. Have you heard that swallowing semen could affect your brain chemistry and change your DNA?
I hadn’t heard that but it certainly jibes with my lived experience.
17. How do I find bodybuilders to worship in Minneapolis?
Look for bodybuilders in your area on Instagram and Reddit forums, lurk in the comments, and observe how they interact with their followers. If they seem to welcome being objectified, slide into their DMs and ask if they ever do (presumably paid) muscle-worship sessions. Be prepared to apologize profusely if you misread them (maybe open with an apology), and gracefully accept the many blocks (don’t re-follow guys under different account and ask again later) that will most likely be coming your way.
P.S. A friend who’s into muscle worship recommends TheBestFlex.com, a site where muscle guys sell their content.
18. I just realized tonight that my sexuality is my own. I am a 55-year-old man. I’ve had no human contact in the last 25 years. I went on Amazon tonight and purchased a realistic dildo because I want to have a dick in my mouth and a dick in my ass, but I don’t want it from another human being. I’m owning my sexuality.
I’m happy for you — own the shit out of that dildo! — and you’re proof it’s never too late for someone to embrace their sexuality, whatever it looks like or means to them. But you deserve better than one of the trash dildos they sell on Amazon! Get yourself something nice and real at Mr. Hanky’s Toys instead! And if you ever want to experiment with something nice and surreal, check out the toys at OxBalls.com! Also, local, indie, feminist sex shops like Come As You Are, Early To Bed, and Smitten Kitten ship online orders and only stock high-quality sex toys. Here’s to owning it, sucking it, and sitting on it in 2026!
19. What is the best way to break up with someone you adore but who just… ain’t it right now?
Promptly — and have the decency to let them be mad at you, okay?
20. My boyfriend (straight male) promised to go down on me (straight woman) in 2025 and he didn’t, not even once. I go down on him as foreplay basically whenever we have sex, and to completion at least once a month. Everything else is great. Advice?
If everything else is great and you can live without oral, you could stay in the relationship — but this man is never going to eat your pussy. So, if you want to stay with this man and have your pussy eaten, you’re going to have to find someone else to eat it.
21. I stupidly agreed to an open relationship after a year of monogamy, arguing that we needed to build a solid foundation before opening up. It’s been a year, and I don’t want to open our relationship. I don’t think I ever did and I’m certain now that I won’t ever want to. My boyfriend said he would be monogamous for three more months but after that he’s going to “move through the world” as if we’re in an open relationship. If I don’t want that, I can break up with him. Is there another way?
Yes.
22. Straight girl here who loves being choked. Yes, Daddy Dan, it’s dangerous — but so was having any gay sex in the 1990s, and you did plenty of that. Stop shaming me for my kinks, Dan?!?
Making you aware of the risks ≠ shaming you for your kinks. The guys who educated me about safe sex at the very beginning of the AIDS Crisis — the guys who urged me to have more sex with fewer partners, to use condoms consistently and correctly with established partners, and to default to “on me, not in me” with new partners — weren’t trying to shame me for being gay (they were gay!), they were trying to save my stupid life by making me aware of the risks.
23. Is it bad to wake up on January 1st in a complete stranger’s bed?
Depends on the stranger, depends on the bed. It could be the bestest thing that happened to you this year, it could be the worstest thing that happened to you this year, or it could be middest thing that happened to you this year. You won’t know for sure which it is — bestest, worstest, middest— until next January rolls around. Happy New Year!
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