I don’t know what to call this thing — no one likes “AQFARTIFROLOTIGTMIITC,” everyone likes “Masterdebater” but me, a lot of people liked “Gang Bang” but a few people really didn’t, “Group Grope” seems just as problematic as “Gang Bang,” etc. — but here it is! Here’s this week’s question from a reader this isn’t going to make it into the column!
But first…
I let SHARE know her letter was posted in last week’s Struggle Session — she’s the married woman who created an OnlyFans account to bring some joy into the life of a disabled friend — and I invited her to read and maybe jump into the comment thread herself. SHARE did read through the thread — she saw and appreciated a lot the advice the group had for her — but she didn’t jump in because she got the impression that some of the commenters hated her and she was worried about getting piled on.
Now, there are almost 300 comments on last week’s Struggle Session and I don’t have the time re-read them. So, I don’t know whether people were actually hating on SHARE or if some readers had perfectly legit criticisms and SHARE was feeling overly sensitive. But let’s remember that — ideally — we’re talking with the LWs and not just about them.
Indeed, someone (sorry, don’t remember who) urged me last week not to run letters in Struggle Session unless the LW had included an email address. The thought was, while LWs are probably keeping an eye on the column to see if their questions turn up, LWs might not be keeping an eye on the Struggle Session. And why should commenters go to the trouble of writing responses for the LWs — long and thoughtful and helpful responses — if the LWs aren’t going to see them?
So, I’m going to do that: I’m only going to run letters on Thursdays from readers who include an email address so I can let them know to read your responses. But let’s bear in mind — all of us, me included — that the LWs are going to be reading our responses. While not every punch has to be pulled, while not every punch should be pulled, let’s be thoughtful about the punches we choose to throw.
And yes, as I already indicated, I need to bear this in mind too.
Okay, here’s this week’s letter…
Middle-aged cis straight man here.
Decades ago, when I was in my teens, I started imagining my first sex. Those fantasies were usually about having sex for the first time with a partner for whom it would also be her first time. So far, so mostly boring.
Problem is, for various reasons, I never actually had a first time. And that might have somehow stunted my sexual development. Because I never got rid of that fantasy. So now I’m a middle-aged man who never had sex and who keeps fantasizing about sex with women who never had sex, either. Which is, of course, both very creepy and pretty pathetic. For a start, any woman interested in sex who is as inexperienced as I am would be highly age-inappropriate for me.
My fascination with inexperience is, I should say, not along the lines of “I want to ravish her purity,” or something like that, but more along the lines of “I want to experience something that would be new and exiting and fascinating for both of us,” but I don’t think that makes it better.
So what do I do? I’m already in therapy for something else, but I’d be very reluctant to mention this to my therapist, who is not a sex therapist.
Shouldn’t Desire Inexperience
I think we can all see the obvious punch here — it’s comes right at end of paragraph three — so maybe, just for practice, we can all pull that punch together. I’m not saying you shouldn’t make that punch, and I’m not saying SDI doesn’t have it coming, but let’s pull this one just to show we can.
So, got some advice for SDI? Drop it in the comments…