Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments — just a few — from readers and listeners. I also share a letter that won’t be included in the column and invite my readers to give the advice.
We’re getting ready to do Savage Love Live at noon today — curtain up, light the lights, we’ve got nothing to hit but the heights, etc. — but I did want to share one thoughtful email that came in this week…
Fuck you on beards, Dan. Don’t be an asshole. You wouldn’t think it’s okay to publicly criticize looks in other ways. If you don’t have anything nice to say, shut the fuck up.
If it’s any consolation, my angry bearded reader, I dislike mustaches more than I dislike beards and my husband has currently has a mustache. My boyfriend, for his part, occasionally wears what he claims is a beard. So, while I have a strong preference for clean-shaven men — especially clean-shaven men with shaggy hair (and thank you, Connor Storie, for singlehandedly re-popularizing this look among gay men) — I do not discriminate against the bearded. As for shutting up unless you have something nice to say… that’s a weird sentiment to tack on the end of an email that opens with “fuck you.”
Alright, here’s this week’s letter that won’t be making the column…
I’m a mostly straight 45-year-old cis woman married to a straight 58-year-old cis man.
About 18 months ago, I discovered that my husband was sending messages to a 26-year-old sex worker. They hadn’t met in person and the conversation hadn’t become overtly sexual. He said he found her profile on an escort’s website and “liked” it on a night when he felt “incredibly lonely.” It hurt that he would seek out a younger sex worker rather than speak to me, so I admit that I might have overreacted. I made a big deal about the age gap and called him a sleazy, dirty old man. When I calmed down, we agreed to try working through our issues and to never mention it again. (Which I have largely managed to do!)
Like almost everyone else (at least if my social media algorithm is to be believed!), I recently watched Heated Rivalry. (Sorry for bringing the show up again, I love it but I agree we need to give it a rest!) I thought the sex scenes were insanely hot (especially the ones between Shane and Ilya) and I think about them more than is probably healthy, which is embarrassing. (I should mention that the sex scenes are not the only reason I like the show!)
I feel guilty because the actors who play Shane and Ilya are so young — younger, in fact, than the escort my husband was texting. I haven’t been chatted up by anyone of that age for a while now, but I wouldn’t even contemplate or entertain the idea of hooking up with them. Obviously, there’s a difference between lusting after someone on screen and a potentially physical relationship, but I suppose what I am asking is: Am I a sleazy old woman? What are the ethics of lusting after younger men or women on screen? Am I a massive hypocrite?
Sleazy Older Woman
P.S. I don’t have children, but my husband does; his youngest is 34. I had an abortion when I was 19, so my child would have been around Connor and Hudson’s age if I had carried it to term. Maybe this goes some way in explaining why it feels a bit wrong!
Have some advice for SOW? Drop it in the comments!
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