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On Thursdays I share a question from a reader and do my best to sit on my hands and let my readers give the advice…
First off, thanks for sharing you wisdom with the world, it has really helped me!
Okay, here we go: I’m a queer female that has been in a monogamous relationship for the last thirteen years. A few years ago, I had a run in with limerence and was truly lost in a somewhat dissociative obsession with a guy who I had thought had feeling for me as he was very flirty. But when I came out of this fog I realized that a lot of what was happening was created by me. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of how I acted toward this person. I apologized and tried to explain myself and the explaining attempts only made things worse
Anyway…
I see a therapist now and I’m working through what happened and how I can move forward. My partner knows and we have talked about me wanting to open our relationship but this was mainly to avoid the shame that came from this devastating crush. I don’t want to feel like I can’t freely have feelings when they come up because these feelings felt so strong and I have had similar feelings for another person but I fear getting close to this feeling because I felt so out of control in the most recent instance. My partner says he is open to talking about boundaries of an open relationship if I find someone but I feel like that would be too late and it makes me fear the shame that might come. I have said this but he often changes the subject or pushes it down the line.
I love my partner very much and I feel like he is my partner in this life, but we rarely have sex and I am feeling like more of a sexual being now that I’m loving my body for the first time in a long time thanks to the body-positive community in the city where I live. I want to explore this new found confidence and queerness. I guess my question is how to move the conversation forward and also how to avoid the attachment issues that led me into a fantasy world when all I want (with someone else) is a casual relationship.
Newly Restored Equilibrium
Got some advice for NRE? Drop it in the comments!