One quick bit of feedback from a reader before we get to the Thursday letter…
I was just listening to the After Action Report with the monogamous straight couple who got a couple’s massage and private room. I wanted to chime in as another monogamous, cis-het mid 40s woman and say that the Savage Lovecast is great for expanding my horizons and opening my eyes to the wonderful variety of sexual orientations, choices, and acts out there. Many of them fit in the “nice for them but not for me” box. But Dan, as a listener and reader of many many years, this monogamous woman thanks you for shaping my outlook on sex and sexuality!
Thank you for the lovely note, Jamie! I [heart] my monogamous readers and listeners!
And a cautionary tale…
Me (27M) and a girl friend at work (24F) were each just called into HR due to “comments of a sexual nature.” HR quoted a conversation that we had about a Portland Mercury article. Specifically, the February 3rd, 2026 “Quickies” edition of Savage Love, with the 81-year-old and her gardener. We were simply laughing about the situations depicted, but someone overheard and reported us. Listening to a stone-faced HR person read your column out loud was a Ben Shapiro-talking-about-W.A.P. level of unintentional humor. We are union, so I doubt we’ll get fired, but the “investigation” is still pending. What do we do? How should we proceed? How does Dan sleep at night knowing he gets people in trouble like this?
What do you do? Pay your union dues. How do you proceed? With caution. How do I sleep at night? With assistance.
Okay, here’s this week’s letter…
How do I break up with someone who’s not my boyfriend?
We worked together for years and was there for me through the loss of my husband and, shortly after, the loss of my dog. He has been a friend and mentor and I would trust him with my life. We worked closely together for years, and feelings started to develop over time. It was never explicitly expressed but it’s obvious that we both have feelings for each other.
The problem: He has a girlfriend and I’m not willing to be an affair partner. If they had an open relationship and she was okay with it, I would happily sleep with him but I don’t think that’s the case. Nor do I think it’s possible without causing a lot of pain and drama, which I am not okay with.
Having an affair is not something I’ve discussed with him and is not on the table, so far as I’m aware, and I have no plans to bring it up. I have had multiple conversations with him about how I want to just be friends and how I don’t want to do anything that would hurt someone — one after he put his hand on my leg at the bar, another after he brought me flowers on Valentine’s Day — but I don’t think these conversations have done anything to lessen his feelings for me. The other day he gave me a hug and stared longingly into my eyes, it freaked me out and I thought he was going to try to kiss me.
Have uncomfortable conversations with him hasn’t been effective and now I think I may need to end our friendship. He is someone I trust and care deeply about, who has been a friend through the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I have had a lot of loss, I really value the people in my life and I’m so sad at the thought of losing his friendship. I wish there was another way. This is really hard for me and I would love to have some advice.
Can’t Just Be Friends
Have some advice for CJBF? Drop it in the comments…