Reader Roundup: A Bad Answer, a Legit Answer, a Hot Porn Star, and More…

.... I’m 53, but have had this issue my entire adult life. In perimenopause, I experienced PIV like shards of glass and lube was the only thing that made it remotely tolerable. You should know by now that foreplay doesn’t create enough natural lube for most women, and if you choose to joke about it, please do it in a way that doesn’t make you look like a clueless asshole. I apologized to my disappointed reader directly. This is an amended and extended version of the apology email I sent her… So sorry I let you down. I had an asterisks on that answer that jumped to the bottom of the column, where I said it was an inadequate response and a placeholder meant to prompt people to share their recommendations… but I cut the asterisks for reasons (dumb ones), which was a mistake, and regret it. The dumb reason: Using asterisks that jumped to the bottom of the column now that some of the column is behind a paywall wasn’t going to work. I should’ve included the prompt for better answers as a parenthetical after the response. You’re right to be angry and I apologize. Thankfully, some folks did jump into the comments thread on that column to call BS on my answer and they shared their lube recommendations. My hope and intent, but I should’ve made that clear and I didn’t and it just came across as insensitive to readers like you and, again, I apologize. The reader wrote back… Thank you for your apology. I might win the prize for the most vanilla, non-kinky, cisgender, monogamous, heterosexual reader of your column. And I appreciate hearing about how so many different people get their sexual needs met in (hopefully) healthy ways. I love hearing about it all! I’m not well represented in the people who get published in your column, and that’s OK. However, I’m an outspoken proponent of lube use for ALL women, even young women who think they don’t need it. I overheard a conversation between two young women in a restroom once, and I wish I had spoken up. One young woman was purchasing a condom from a machine, and said she wished the machine also dispensed lube. Her friend made a snarky comment that, “If you need lube, you aren’t doing it right,” and that made me very sad. I never truly enjoyed PIV until I lost the shame about never being wet enough, and just buying lube and using it in full view of my partner (some women try to hide it). In response to the question from a woman in the same Quickies column asking if it was okay—in 2023—to identify as a “vaginaphile” and my affirmative response, a reader DM’d me at Instagram to say… Dan! This is a weird TERF talking point! No one really thinks there’s anything wrong with having a genital preference or what have you! I agree with this 2018 artilce  at Vice. And I’ve been saying similar things in my column and on my podcast since basically… well, since basically forever. Indeed, a while back some angry lesbians accused me of pushing them to suck dick when I encouraged people (all of them, not just lesbians) to think about how “societal prejudices and stereotypes” may have shaped our preferences, whatever they might be. But there are people out there who insist there’s something wrong with having genital preferences and/or sexual orientations and who have also argued that genital preferences are transphobic. I get letters frequently from cis women and cis men who’ve encountered trans people or their supposed allies (online, on campus) who insisted it was transphobic to only wanna date or fuck men with penises or women with vaginas. To be clear: the vast majority of trans people do not do this. But it is a thing that happens. (And preening, well-meaning “allies” are the worst offenders.) Just as I didn’t ignore questions about monkeypox for fear that answering them might play into the hands of homophobes who think gay men are slutty vectors of disease, I can’t pretend this doesn’t happen—or ignore questions about it—just to avoid playing into the hands of anti-trans bigots. It’s a legit question, I gave a legit answer. I took a call on the Lovecast from a trans man who was worried about straight guys on Grindr seeking out trans men not because they wanted men but because they wanted pussy. I expressed some doubt as to whether this fear was reasonable. Another listener responded… I’m a huge fan and think that 99% of the time your advice is right on. So, I was surprised to hear how very wrong you were about straight men on Grindr looking for FTMs. I’m a Trans Man and have had multiple instances where a guy came over and wasn’t able to get off or hard because I was so “male” or “so muscular”  or who just kept talking about my pussy (which isn’t even the language I used to use for it). I’ve had straight men I met on Grindr talk to me about how much they just wanted pussy and how much they are really into women. (Note: my ass is available and I don’t HAVE a pussy any more after bottom surgery.) Some advice for that caller: What I finally did was put this note right on my Grindr profile: “If you are looking for pussy, I’m not your guy.” Since then I haven’t had any straight guys hit me up. One other thing to look out for is men who are ONLY looking for FTMs and especially if they say they are “heteroflexible.” Most of the time those are the straight guys or guys who won’t see you as a man. I shared an audio clip from this viral video at the top of the Lovecast—a dominant woman demanding that the city of Fort Lauderdale use public funds to open a municipal dungeon— So listening to the conversation about the proposed public sex dungeon I thought, Dan really needs to hear about the proposal that has been made to transform Minneapolis’s Hiawatha Golf Course into a public sex forest. (The golf course is in fact non-viable as an 18-hole course. The actual plan that’s been approved is to reconfigure it into a 9-hole course.) A gay reader writes… What a ringing endorsement Leo Louis got from Dan on this week’s Lovecast. I mean, that description? I have to say, I’ve never run to Twitter so fast! Podcasting isn’t a visual medium, as they say (and as Nancy has to occasionally remind me), so if you want to see what the Leo Louis fuss is about—and what his GayVN Award Nominations are about—you’ll also want to check out Leo Louis on Twitter.