Quickies

...g>I look okay, I make good money, I have my own place, and I’m nice. But no one wants me, and no one stays, because I’m autistic. Everyone says, “Just get out there,” but it doesn’t work. I want a real relationship, but I would settle for an escort. But I don’t want to get robbed or killed. Everyone says, “Just get out there,” but it doesn’t work. I can’t give explicit advice about finding escorts — it’s a legal gray area — but I can suggest that you follow sex workers’ rights advocates on Twitter, many of whom are sex workers themselves. Most of the women sex workers I know — personally, not professionally —  have experience working with autistic clients. And while locating an experienced sex worker you would like to see in person will require some time and effort, the energy you’re currently expending being miserable would be better spent on this search. There are also dating sites for autistic adults like Hiki that you might want to check out. 3. What’s the best way as GAYS to get laid at the gym? No one gets laid at the gym — or through the gym — without going to the gym. As a very problematic person once said, 80 percent of success in life is just showing up. And here’s a pro-tip: pre-smartphones and hookup apps, GAYS would cruise each other while they lifted weights, offer to spot each other, and then follow each other into locker rooms to mess around — discreetly, of course, so as not to panic STRAIGHTS and/or annoy GAYS who don’t mess around at the gym. These days guys open Grindr at the gym and send hole pics to the guys using the machines next to them. 4. I’m a 43-year-old cis straight man. I’m going to see my doctor soon and I plan to ask him about testing for autism spectrum disorder, because more than half of my girlfriends and a few platonic friends have asked me if I might be on the spectrum. I don’t think a diagnosis will change my life, other than reframing a lot of confusing (to me) “breakups” with friends and girlfriends over the years. Any advice whether or how I should contact previous friends and girlfriends to let them know I received a diagnosis that might explain some of our problems? I’m still on friendly(ish) terms with most of them. A status update posted to Facebook and/or a story posted to Instagram — assuming you’re on social media and/or want to be out about your diagnosis — would probably reach most of your friends and exes. If that’s too public, I don’t see why you couldn’t send a note to the friends and exes with whom you’re on friendly(ish) terms, particularly the ones who suggested you might be on the spectrum. 5. I have seen videos of guys getting fisted. Some of these guys take it all the way to the elbow. How the heck is this even possible?!? I mean they have to be touching their lungs or heart! Even done carefully how can this be safe and not do permanent damage? “Some guys’ insides are just made differently,” said CagedJock, a gay male porn star who is often elbow-deep in his costars. “I once fisted this boy — he was short, only 5’5″ — and I basically just slid in up to my elbow. He was gifted anatomically. But I have also fisted 6’2″ guys without getting past my wrist. So, it’s not the height that gets you to past the elbow. It’s like people in the circus — ordinary people just can’t do that. And it’s safe as long as you’re doing it right. I have been fisting since 2015 and I’ve bottomed since 2004. It’s about knowing how the body works, using common sense, learning how to read the body language of the receiver, and lots of communication.” Follow CagedJock on Twitter and Instagram @CagedJock. 6. How do you use a dental dam effectively? You remove the dental dam from its packaging, you place the packaging in the appropriate recycling bin, and then you carefully position the dental over the nearest trash can. You release the dental dam, you let it flutter into the trash can, and then you go to MyLorals.com and order yourself some of their FDA-cleared, ultra-sheer underpants designed for cunnilingus. 7. How can a bottom in his 50s find a dang top? Ageism sucks! I’m always a little suspicious when a guy in his 50s — and that’s my demo — starts to complain about ageism in the gay community…. because I’ve heard from too many middle-aged gay guys whose complaints about “ageism” boiled down to, “Guys in their 20s and 30s don’t wanna fuck me, and I don’t wanna fuck guys my own age or older.” It may not be as easy for a guy in his 50s to find dick, but it’s not impossible, and it’s certainly not as hard as it was back when we were all told — and we were all somehow convinced — that only guys in their 20s were hot. There are lots of guys who are into daddies these days, and while a lot of those guys are bottoms, they’re not all bottoms. 8. I’m pre-op, no-T, non-binary, AFAB. Do I belong on Grindr? It depends on what you mean by, “Do I belong?” If what you mean is, “Am I allowed on Grindr and will I find someone there who might wanna fuck me?”, then the answer is yes. But if what you mean is, “Will I have a completely frictionless experience on Grindr and not encounter a single asshole who goes out of his way to make me feel like I don’t belong on a hookup app for gay and bi men because I have a vagina and boobs?”, then the answer is no. But by that standard no one “belongs” on Grindr, where some people — where some assholes — go out of their way to make people, AFAB and AMAB, cis and trans, gay and otherwise, feel like they don’t belong. 9. My girlfriend has some body odor — underarm odor — that I notice when we play. Any subtle ways to tell her? I’m not a “mansmells” kind of guy/pervert, but I like it the way my men smell… at least most of the time. When they smell too strong or sour or otherwise unpleasant, I usually just say, “You stink,” and point them to the shower. Try it. 10. How does one effectively manage a throuple? By not obsessing about what you’ve given up, lost, and/or never had — absolute primacy — and instead being grateful for what you’ve gained, e.g., someone else to do the dishes, someone else to pick up groceries, someone else to walk the dogs, etc. 11. How are you liking MILF Manor? I stopped watching MILF Manor after the third episode — the challenges were increasingly lame, the MILFs didn’t seem serious about wanting to actually fuck the younger men, and the younger men didn’t seem serious about wanting to fuck the MILFs. I’m watching Young Royals S2, now, and rooting for Willie, Simon, and Marcus to form a throuple. 12. I’m addicted to PMO — “porn, masturbation, orgasm.” How do I break this addiction and start having real sex? If you’re having a hard time closing the laptop, pulling up your pants, and getting out of the house, you might have to do something radical — like canceling your internet service or getting your ass into therapy. 13. Ever since birthing my children all of my masturbation fantasies include me having a penis. Is there a possible physiological reason for this? Or is it all in my head? Physiological — “relating to the branch of biology that deals with the normal functions of living organisms and their parts” — would seem to cover what’s going on in your head, as you’re a living organism and your head is one of your parts, making the distinction you’re attempting to draw between physiological and psychological a false one. Whatever is going on here, it’s interesting — definitely something to explore and enjoy. 14. My ex and I miss each other — and we’re both in therapy now. Is it a bad idea to get back together? There’s an option between “broken up” and “back together,” and it’s called “dating.” Keep things casual, keep your own places, keep seeing your therapists, and keep all your options — including the option of getting back together — open. 15. Any recommended resources (such as books) for our 18-year-old son about same-sex sex? Assuming your son has access to the Internet, he probably knows quite a bit about same-sex sex already. I would supplement what he already knows (or thinks he knows) with Let’s Talk About It: The Teen’s Guide to Sex, Relationships, and Being a Human, by Erika Moen and Matthew Moen, which is for young people of all sexual orientations and gender identities, and get him an appointment with a gay doc who can talk to him about safety and, if appropriate, get him on PrEP. 16. My 19-year-old daughter has never been in a relationship with a man or a woman. On social media, she identifies as she/her. She checked the “asexual” box on all her college applications. I have never asked her what her deal is, as I felt she would tell us if she wanted to. I’m okay for things to remain as they are, but I’m curious about her use of the term asexual. Does sex not serve her narrative or is she just not having any? She knows her parents are approachable. If your daughter knew you were looking at her college applications — if you were helping her prepare them — then she essentially told you she’s asexual. So, I don’t think you would be violating her privacy if you simply said, “I noticed you checked ‘asexual’ on your applications. If that’s something you want to talk about, we’re ready to listen. If not, that’s fine too. We love you just the same.” And in the meantime, read up about asexuality at the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network. 17. Go fuck yourself, groomer. I don’t need to fuck myself. You see, I have people for that — adult people. If anyone around here needs to go fuck themselves, hater, I’m guessing it’s you. Send your question right here on Savage.Love. [email protected]