Off the Table

...eel like we’re at a dead end. I love her and our life and our teenage kid too much to leave her over this. I looked online for a sex toy that would simulate vaginal intercourse, of which I found a few, but I’m looking for something that we could use together, something that would get as close to the experience (for me) as possible. I assume you’ve gotten hundreds of variations on this question over the years and thought you might have a good suggestion. Not Ready To Go Without If this is a problem your wife is interested in solving — pain during intercourse after menopause — she could talk to her doctor about low-dose vaginal estrogen, a safe and effective treatment for thinning vaginal tissues due to falling estrogen levels. If your wife isn’t open to talking about this treatment with her doctor, NRTGW, this may not be a problem she’s interested in solving. She may not even regard it as a problem. If PIV sex was never about your wife’s pleasure — and her pleasure doesn’t get a mention anywhere in your letter — she might not feel motivated to seek out a treatment that might make vaginal intercourse more comfortable. I mean, if all she’s missing out on is providing you with maintenance sex, NRTGW, then she’s not missing out on much. It’s also possible that she lost interest in sex as she aged (some people do) or wasn’t that interested in sex to begin with (some people aren’t) and vaginal atrophy — and the pain she now experiences during intercourse — gave her an excuse to pull a plug she been wanting to pull for years. (Still, for her own sake, your wife should talk to her doctor, as untreated vaginal atrophy is a risk factor for bladder infections, overactive bladder, and other conditions.) As to your specific question… You’re in luck! There are lots of different kinds of masturbation toys for men, NRTGW, including toys simulate the sensations of intercourse, such as Fleshlight-style toys with hard plastic shells and softer silicone sleeves. If your wife is willing to hold one of those Fleshlight-style toys between her thighs, you could simulate PIV. But you would have to be careful the toy didn’t chafe and/or slide up and/or grind uncomfortably against your the tissues of your wife’s increasingly sensitive vulva. Intercrural sex is another good option — you put that big dick between her upper thighs, she clenches her legs together, you thrust until you come — and it’s one that wouldn’t require your wife to hold a hardshell plastic sex toy between her legs as you hammered away at it. And while you’re ordering sex toys for yourself, NRTGW, why not order a couple of toys you think your wife might like to try? Even better, invite the wife to join you while you browse and encourage her to pick out one or two toys just for her. Who knows? A Fleshlight for you, a Magic Wand for her — simulated intercourse for you, stimulating outercourse for her — and sex could suddenly become, well, maybe not your strongest suit, NRTGW, but a far sturdier and much more mutually pleasurable one. Is it possible to forgive my “straight” husband for cheating on me with trans women? We have been married for eight years and together for ten. In 2023 he became hyper-focused on his appearance, withdrew from me emotionally, and developed a phone addiction. I began to worry he was cheating and decided to snoop and HOLY SHIT. Here’s what I found on his phone: Grindr, Trans-Dating, Signal, Scruff, Seeking, etc., along with very questionable credit card charges (hotels, late-night Lyft rides, etc.) He said he never actually met up with anyone. He said he was confused about his sexual identity because he suddenly found himself attracted to trans women and wanted to unpack what was going on without blowing up our marriage. I get that. My own sexual desires and fantasies have evolved throughout the years as well, but I would NEVER go behind my monogamous partner’s back to explore them! I eventually found undeniable evidence that he cheated. He vomited, and then revealed he met three different trans women from the apps and fooled around with them. Three times total, two years ago. Nothing since. He claims there were no repeat meetings and no penetration. He justified cheating because we were no longer intimate, and he thought I’d never accept that he was bisexual. He assumed that I’d never want to try kinky shit or help him fulfill his fantasies. I am actually pretty open minded and would have been willing to try things out in the bedroom. But now? Now I am feeling so fucking wounded and betrayed. We are in therapy. He does seem genuinely remorseful and ashamed. I know it’s possible to forgive, but I won’t forget. So, how do we rebuild trust? Should I even give him a second chance? Cheating Husband’s Egregious Actions Torment Spouse You can forgive your cheating husband and give him a second chance — that’s definitely a thing people do (suggested reading) — but there’s no guarantee you won’t regret it. Studies have shown that a person who’s cheated on a partner is (roughly) three times more likely to cheat again. So, although it’s inaccurate to say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” staying with someone who’s cheated ups your chances of being cheated on again. Which is why I encourage people who are thinking about forgiving (if not forgetting) and taking back to consider the (presumably) worst-case scenario — getting cheated on again — and if the thought is devastating, forgiving and getting out might be the better choice. As for rebuilding trust, CHEATS, that takes time. Simply put, the only way your husband can prove he’s not going to cheat ever again is by not cheating ever again… and you won’t feel certain of that (or certain enough of that) to fully trust him until he’s refrained from cheating again for at least a year or two. Zooming out for a second… I think the fact that you weren’t having sex when your husband cheated on you is a mitigating factor, CHEATS, in that the collapse of your sex life made it easier for him to rationalize his behavior — particularly if he had no way of knowing the collapse was temporary. He should’ve been honest with you about seeking sex elsewhere, CHEATS, and the things he was discovering about himself. But the higher the stakes, the harder being completely honest becomes — and stakes don’t get much higher than divorce. If he truly thought your marriage had become a companionate one, he may have convinced himself that getting his sexual needs met elsewhere (including ones he may not have been consciously aware of when you married) and keeping his mouth shut was the least worst option for all involved, you included. And did your husband know you would’ve been willing to explore new things with him before this all came out or is that something he knows now? I’m not trying to make excuses for your husband’s behavior. He did a lot of things he needs to apologize for, including the expenses he hid from you, you two have a lot to unpack with your couples’ counselor, and he is going to have to make an effort to earn your trust again. But it’s almost impossible to forgive someone if you can’t understand — on some level — why they made the choices they did. I’m a 44-year-old heterosexual female. I have been with my husband since the age of 18, we’ve been married for twenty years, and we have a few kids. We have a good and mostly monogamous marriage, and I don’t want a divorce. I say mostly because over the years I have cheated, mostly just hookups but occasionally longer things. When our kids were little, I didn’t cheat for over 10 years. I’m now in a place where I feel so good about my body and am honestly so horny! My husband can always make me orgasm and the sex we have is fine, but I am really itching to fuck other people. I have talked to him about this, but he is not interested in opening up our relationship at all. He says any interest in doing that must mean something is lacking in our relationship. I don’t see it that way and would love to have a threesome, try swinging, and have an occasional don’t-ask-don’t-tell hookup. Can you please help with the right verbiage or resource to somehow normalize this for him? When I last broached this topic with him it was too soon after him finding out about me cheating and he said we needed to rebuild trust. That was almost two years ago. I have been super close with my vibrator since then and things are good between us, and I want to revisit this. What can I say to convince him? Or do I need to give up this fantasy of allowable alternate sex partners? Getting Real About Craving Extra The way you phrased your last question was telling, GRACE, in the telling-on-yourself sense of the word: You asked whether your husband’s “no” meant giving up on the fantasy of allowable alternative sex partners. Disallowable alternative sex partners, i.e. men you might cheat with, are still on the table, it seems. Look, you could get your husband to read Jessica Fern’s Polysecure, the bible for ethical non-monogamists under 40, or you could get him to read Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s The Ethical Slut, the bible for ethical non-monogamists over 40, or you could get him to listen to Multiamory or Evolving Love or one of the dozens of podcasts out there for people who are interested in opening up their marriages. But your husband has already told you — pretty emphatically from the sound of things — that he’s not one of those people. He doesn’t want an open relationship. He doesn’t want a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” arrangement. He doesn’t want you out there fucking other people. (Your husband may think things are good between you precisely because you haven’t been out there fucking other people.) But you know — and he needs to know — that you are going to fuck other people. “Once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t true in every case, GRACE, but I feel safe saying it’s true in yours, given your record. So, you know — or you know now — that you aren’t capable of honoring the monogamous commitment you made when you were a teenager. Maybe if you’d known yourself a little better before you got married — maybe if you’d been a little older and had a little more sexual experience — you wouldn’t have made a monogamous commitment. But you made it, and now you need to unmake it. The question you need to risk asking your husband — a question that could end your marriage — isn’t whether he wants to be in a non-monogamous relationship, GRACE, but what kind of non-monogamous relationship he wants to be in. Does he want to be in an ethically non-monogamous relationship? Or does he want to be in an unethically non-monogamous relationship? If it’s monogamy he wants, he’s gonna have to leave you. If it’s you he wants, he’s gonna have to let you. P.S. There’s no shame in needing more than one sex partner — there’s no shame in not being cut out for monogamy — so long as you’re not lying to yourself and/or the person you claim to love most. I am a 45-year-old woman writing in with some good news! No advice needed! I had my first threesome yesterday and it was a Yahtzee moment for sure. It was a delightful surprise to discover that we were all incredibly into one another and vibed well together and in pairs. This much younger couple was sweet and hot, and I was comfortable and game and fully present. I also confirmed for myself that I am decidedly not straight, so that was the cherry on top of my delicious sundae. Thank you for all of the anonymous encouragement over the years! Totally Had Really Exciting Experience Thank you for writing — I needed a little good news after reading through the mail this week, THREE, to say nothing of doomscrolling through the news. P.S. You and/or this couple would be great guests for a new segment we just launched on the Savage Lovecast! I’m interviewing regular people who’ve stepped outside their comfort zones to try something new. Our first “After-Action Report” appears on this week’s show — a woman had her first Dom/sub experience — and more installments are coming! Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love P.S. HUMP! 2025 is on tour! Get tickets at humpfilmfest.com!