Allowances

For the longest time I’ve been into the feederism kink. It’s specifically the weight gain aspect of this kink — making myself or others bigger — that turns me on. I’ve always felt uneasy about this due to the health risks and have kept it hidden. I recently got a wonderful girlfriend, our relationship is great, and we have really great sex. She’s curvy but wants to lose weight. I also want to lose weight with her and for both of us to be healthy. But occasionally, I’m overcome with the urge to get into weight gain kink play. I told my girlfriend about my kink, and although she accepts it and accepts me, she doesn’t want to pursue anything related to it. When I feel the need to indulge in this fetish, I scratch the itch with strangers I meet online. I wish I could just turn this part of me off and enjoy the wonderful relationship that I have. Can a fetish like this be made to fade over time, or am I just going to try and focus on other things when these urges come on?

Can I Yuck My Own Yum?

For a kinkster, finding a romantic partner who shares your kink is wonderful but rare; finding a romantic partner who doesn’t share your kink but is willing to indulge you — finding someone who’s GGG (and being GGG for them in return) — is the next best thing. But people with truly niche kinks typically wind up in relationships with romantic partners who don’t share their kinks and are unwilling or unable to indulge them. Some kinks are too extreme for even the most GGG partner, and in some cases a kink — however mild — may be a libido killer or an emotional trigger for the vanilla partner. Someone who suffers from claustrophobia can’t spend the night in a bondage box, and someone with food issues won’t be able to indulge in feeder/gainer kink. (For the record, I’m not suggesting your partner has food issues just because she wants to lose a little weight.)

But unlike old soldiers, kinks don’t fade away, CIYMOY, and not unlike Alex Forrest, kinks will not be ignored. So, a kinky person — particularly a kinky person in a relationship with a vanilla partner who can’t or won’t go there — needs an outlet that allows them to explore their kinks in a safe and controlled manner. Without that outlet… without that allowance… sooner or later a kinkster will seize or engineer an opportunity to get their kink on, often with a disinhibiting assist from drugs and alcohol. Needless to say, clumsily seized/engineered opportunities have a much greater chance of blowing up lives and destroying relationships.

Seeing as your girlfriend already knows about your kink, she must know — she has to have assumed — you’re having a solo wank about it once in a while on your own time. If not getting to act out your fantasies IRL is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with her, CIYMOY, allowing you to explore your kinks with strangers on the Internet — allowing you to swap feeder/gainer images, stories, and memes with people you’re never going to meet IRL — should be a price she she’ll happily pay to be with you. Ask her.

I’m a woman in my mid-thirties dating a man in his late thirties. From the beginning, my boyfriend has struggled to come from PIV with me and has to jack himself off in order to climax. He also never comes from my blowjobs or my hand jobs. This has obviously led to a lot of animosity and finger-pointing. He says this has never been an issue for him in the past, and the problem is that I lack sexual stamina. He says we have poor sexual chemistry. He has also said he can’t feel much during PIV sex and suggested I start doing kegels. He said this after I had already tried introducing toys, sexy outfits, and having discussions about what he likes. I suggested he stop watching porn and that he should masturbate less and use a pocket pussy when he does to help loosen the death grip, as I cannot compete with what I see him doing when he jacks off. He refused. I feel like I have been making all the effort here and he isn’t making any effort at all.

Am I the problem? His sex life prior to me involved a lot of BDSM and group sex, which concerns me. If that’s what he needs, I can’t provide it. He tells me that he doesn’t need all that but part of me doesn’t believe him. What I know for sure is that I can’t be solely responsible for his orgasms. Is this a problem I can solve on my own or does he have some role to play here? We have been seeing each other for seven months and nothing has improved this situation.

Boyfriends Rejects All Sexual Suggestions

 Jesus Christ, break the fuck up already.

While some men who suffer from death-grip syndrome (DGS) manage to retrain their dicks using pocket pussies and/or a lighter touch during masturbation — and are now able to have look-ma-no-hands orgasms — not all men who appear to have DGS actually have DGS. Just as some women require the sensations only a vibrator can provide in order get off, BRASS, some men require the kind of intense pressure only a fist can provide in order to get off. And just as women who require vibrators aren’t broken and don’t need to be fixed, men who require their own hand to finish and/or get themselves to the point of orgasmic inevitability before plunging back in aren’t broken and don’t need fixing either.

Now, maybe your boyfriend used to get off from PIV alone during those group BDSM sex sessions and maybe he didn’t — he could be lying when he said he’s never had this “problem” before (again: it might not be a problem, it might just be how his dick works) — but he doesn’t seem to be enjoying the sex he’s having with you anymore than you’re enjoying the sex you’re having with him. So, unless you two share a secret kink for slowly shredding another person’s ego and sexual self-esteem, I can’t understand why you’re still fucking with each other.

To be clear, BRASS, I don’t think you’re the asshole… or I don’t think you’re the only asshole. A lot of people make the same mistake you did — assuming a male partner who needs to touch themselves to get off isn’t attracted to them and/or is somehow broken — but your boyfriend responded to your mistaken-but-presumably-made-in-good-faith “suggestions” with the most demeaning shit he could possibly say. If he didn’t feel any sexual chemistry and/or your pussy really didn’t do it for him, he could’ve and should’ve ended this relationship with a face-saving/ego-sparing/off-the-shelf banality (“It’s not you, it’s me”) or with the obvious truth, gently told (“I don’t feel like we click sexually”). Opting to blame your pussy was a choice — a mean-spirited, vindictive choice, and a disqualifying one.

TLDR: the sex is bad, the guy’s an asshole, and it’s not getting any better. DTMFA.

My husband is into leather/rubber fetish and BDSM. I am not. I tag along with him to kink events and play parties — at his request — and sometimes play matchmaker by striking up conversations with hot guys. The issue is that some of these guys only want to “play” with me or with us if we’re a package deal. This doesn’t happen that often, but it hurts my husband’s feelings when it does and since he can’t take his disappointment out on some guy who walked away, he takes it out on me. He’s socially awkward, which seems pretty common among the kinky gay men I’ve met through him, so he doesn’t want to go to these events alone. But I don’t want to go if he’s going to blow up at me on the way home because some random rubber twunk wasn’t into him. There have been plenty of times when I played matchmaker successfully and he wound up having a great time with someone, but he obsesses about the times he got rejected and will be — if I may be blunt — an asshole about it for weeks. A big fetish event is coming up, and I have to decide whether to go and I’m leaning against it. If it matters, I never play with anyone else, as I have a very low libido and I’m satisfied with the vanilla sex I have with my husband. So, it’s not like I’m getting anything out of attending these events. I’m content to let him do his thing and to help out. I’m fine being the “bait,” I’m just sick of being the bad guy.

Vanilla Whipping Boy

Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love!

Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!

Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love