Struggle Sessions

...olumn. Enjoy! — Dan I’m (39F) dating a guy (34M) who is really wonderful. In his conservative home country, he was quite the Casanova, didn’t want to marry, and managed instead to have a pretty *ahem* robust dating life. Here’s the issue. He shared with me that when he was 32, he slept with a girl who was 16 or 17 years old. He had been her teacher when she was in elementary school. When they met again at 16/17, she was already married and pursued him because she didn’t like her husband (who was even older than him). He said he was only with her twice and then they broke it off. I have no reason to doubt him because he openly shared this with me, and he clearly didn’t understand that by US standards, this is not ok. When I explained this to him (also noted that it was almost certainly illegal in the US) he instantly understood. I’m struggling with this because it’s not ok due to her and his age at the time, plus the power dynamic difference. But by his culture’s standards, the only issue was she was a woman sleeping with a man who wasn’t her husband. I appreciate that cultural differences have some major implications here, and he seems to be very clear on how this would be regarded in the US. I’m just trying to sort my feelings out around this. Help? Dating Is Flummoxing Feelings Somewhat Andrew: No one else should tell you how you’re supposed to feel about something. You feel what you feel. So, if what you’re feeling right now is just a little “Hmm, this is weird,” then you can put it in your memory hole, let the past be the past, try not to bring it up with him again, and it probably won’t come up in conversation. If what you’re feeling right now is more intense, then probably it’s best to end the relationship. There may be other factors making this revelation uncomfortable for you, maybe subconsciously. There will likely be other things you find about his culture, the parts of the worldview that he still stands up for or sees as defensible, that are incompatible with your worldview. If it were me, I’d drop the subject. But then, for me, I don’t see the American view of age and sexuality as an eternal truth, just where we set the bar. It’s not as though someone magically changes into a consent-capable adult at 12:01 AM on their 18th birthday. We set the age of consent as a safeguard, because relationships across those lines are likely to be coercive, but I don’t think that means any and all relationships across that line are coercive and nonconsensual. NoCuteName: I can’t figure out what DIFFS wants or why. Does she want her boyfriend to understand or acknowledge that in our culture, a 32-year-old man having sex with a 16-17-year-old is not only unethical, but illegal? It seems as though he gets that, at least now that she’s explained it to him. Does she want an excuse to dump him or to think poorly of him? What kinds of feelings does she want to sort out? The best I can make out, she wants to disapprove of him because he so flagrantly offended a cultural norm in her (and our) culture. But she wants to be open-minded enough to understand that in his culture of origin, the issues we would take may not be relevant. But then what? Yes, he did something we frown upon here. Although it was a non-issue to him at the time, based on his different cultural norms, he understands why it would be troubling to his US girlfriend. Does she require some sort of penance on his part so that she can give herself permission to continue dating him and considering him a “wonderful” guy? Does she think that if her friends or family knew about this episode in his past, they’d be unable to get past it and would judge her harshly for being willing to be with a man who’d do that? BiDanFan: Sixteen is the age of consent in most US states, so this would not have been “almost certainly illegal in the US.” In fact, it would have been legal, if considered creepy, in most of the US. You say your boyfriend understands that by more progressive standards, this wasn’t OK. Like Dan says in this column, men are pigs; you know this already. This one seems to know that what he did in this situation was not OK, that’s why he confessed this particular hookup to you. People make mistakes, DIFFS! Look at your past and answer genuinely, is there nothing you ever did when you were younger that squicks you out today? Give him the absolution he seeks and move on. My oldest friend has an extremely hard time cleaning herself and keeping her house sanitary. She weighs probably in the 600 pounds range at this point, which she is happy with, and I couldn’t care less about, but it does make it hard for her to clean and do day-to-day tasks. The thing that has me writing is that she smells bad. I believe this is mostly because she has a hard time wiping and cleaning herself. But the smell is sometimes unbearable, and I’ve found myself avoiding her because it makes me sick to my stomach, especially when it comes to sharing food together. My friend has a significant history of trauma, which makes this a “handle with care” situation. I can’t just say to her, “You stink, let’s figure this out together.” I wish I could go in and clean her house for her — and I would be willing — but she would be mortified to know I think her home is filthy. Instead, I keep finding reasons to not visit or not to stay long when I do. And it’s heartbreaking because I love this person so much and want to be close to her. I would love some advice.  A Longtime Friend SloMoPoMo: I think you either distance yourself because you can’t stand it and you don’t want to offend them by admitting their lack of hygiene offends you, or you intervene, respectfully and openly, and deal with the consequences of your own decision. Is the smell from her, from stuff (old food? dead mice?) in her home, or something particular that can be addressed? At some point it’s a health hazard for her. But trauma notwithstanding, if it’s that bad, she deserves to know and not just get ghosted, which may be easier on you but would suck for her, as you already know. You can’t make her glad to be told it’s gross, so don’t try to control her feelings. It’s already bad for her now, so you would not be making things worse for her, you’d just be exposing yourself to a share of the bad stuff (and it’s entirely legitimate to not want to do that, just saying, you’re not obligated to be a martyr OR a savior). But if you do want to stay in touch, how much worse are you prepared to let it get? Murial: I’m guessing that ALF’s friend doesn’t get many visitors and possibly has few if any other friends, because unfortunately most people do negatively judge those who have obesity problems. (Nova has a great episode, “The Truth about Fat“, which explains why being overweight is not just a matter of lack of willpower.) And at 600 lbs., it’s likely ALF’s friend isn’t able to get out and about much, if at all. So, better for ALF to risk hurting her friend’s feelings with a frank, empathetic talk than to end up rarely or never visiting. Loneliness could lead to even more overeating or even worse consequences. This won’t be easy for ALF, but love often involves doing difficult things. Zoftig the Magnificent: Has she asked outright? If so, maybe you do owe her radical honesty. If not, then you’re offering unsolicited advice, which isn’t always bad, but more often than not. Or is she doing the hinting and subtle bemoaning that is essentially a soft ask, without the commitment? It feels complicated to tell your friend that they smell without volunteering to help her solve that problem. Which gets especially complicated if she doesn’t have the money to hire someone to help and there aren’t robust social services in her area. I think many of us would be willing to pitch in to help a friend with a massive project, like a thorough cleaning, once a year or so, but to commit to helping once a month (or more!) will get draining. And if part of her issue is literally cleaning herself—that’s a much bigger strain on the bonds of friendship. So, if there are social services or if she has the money, then there is more reason to bring these things up than if there aren’t. Finally, phone calls, emails, texting are all ways to stay in contact without visiting. As is asking to meet away from her house, in open air, weather permitting. These don’t solve her problems, but they might help mitigate your problems. I’m a 36-year-old bisexual woman and I need some advice. My partner is a 38-year-old heterosexual man, and we have been together for 13 years. The sex in the relationship has been in a swift decline for the last eight years. It’s always been a sore point, as my sex drive is a lot higher than his, but two months ago we decided to open up the relationship. It was a good talk, and I think we made some real progress getting our feelings out on the table. We made some ground rules: 1. We wouldn’t use our own home to meet up with people and 2. we wouldn’t have sex with anyone in our friend circle. He said he didn’t want to know about any hookups I might have but I took the opposite position: I like hearing his sex stories and it would make me happy to know he’s getting the attention I think he deserves. A week ago, I started talking to a guy who’s also in an open relationship. We agreed to meet up and have a chat. Things went well, and we ended up having some fun at his place. I kept it all to myself, honoring my partner’s request. This is where things get confusing. I think I might be numb, since this only happened last night. I had my best friend over. We were drinking, laughing, and having a good time listening to smutty audiobooks. Now when I get too drunk, I become quiet and somewhat unresponsive, but I don’t pass out. I’m aware of my surroundings. So, when I heard my partner say “let’s take to the bedroom” to my friend, I froze under the blanket on the couch. My partner then proceeded to take my best friend — who is in a monogamous long-term relationship — to our bedroom and have sex with her with the door ajar. From my position on the couch, I could hear her moaning. Later, he cleaned himself up and “woke me” and took me to bed. This morning, we all had coffee and then we dropped my girlfriend at her place. Neither of them said a word to me about their encounter. I don’t know how to feel about this. I just feel empty. Should I be angry? Hurt? Upset? Should I bring this up with either of them? Give me some advice please, Dan. Here’n Uncharted Relationship Territory Dan here: To find out what my readers had to say to HURT — to read some truly great advice — check out the latest installment of Struggle Session at Savage.Love. And if you wanna join a wonderful, informative, funny, and compassionate conversation about love and sex, jump into the comment threads at Savage.Love yourself. New columns and podcasts go up every Tuesday, new Struggle Sessions go up every Thursday, and new comments are posted every day. See you there! P.S. No birthday presents, please, as I already have everything a man could possibly want… well, everything except a picture of your boyfriend’s butt. You can fix that by sending a pic to [email protected] with “birthday butt” in the subject line. Got problems? Yes, you do! 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