I am a bisexual cis woman in my forties. My boyfriend is a straight cis man in his thirties. I had limited experience prior to our relationship. That being said, it hasn’t stopped my boyfriend from providing all the pleasure I can imagine for the most part. There is just one thing I want to ask about. I am open about fantasies and often think about sex even when we’re not “in the moment.” He says he doesn’t have any fantasies and doesn’t think about sex outside of the experience. How can I gently encourage my guy to have sexual fantasies? I suspect this is a mental block around shame and I think it would keep things interesting if we could both explore fantasy and talk more about it. Our NRE won’t last forever.
The Big Reveal
As everyone knows, TBR, the average man thinks about sex every seven seconds. (Some consider that stat to be dubious — mostly because it’s been disproven again and again — but I’m going to trot it out one more time for sake of argument.) So, either your BF, who only thinks about sex when he’s having it and claims to have no sexual fantasies, is an outlier, e.g., he thinks about sex far less than once every seven seconds, or he’s not being entirely honest with you about how often he thinks about sex and/or what he thinks about when he’s thinking about sex.
Why wouldn’t a man share his sexual thoughts (rate of) and sexual fantasies (specific of) with a girlfriend who wanted to hear about both?
He could worry his sexual fantasies might repulse you, TBR, and not because they’re repulsive — although they might be (some are!) — but because he may have shared his sexual fantasies with a previous partner who reacted badly. (Once bitten, twice shy.) I’ve lost count of the number of letters I’ve received from men and women whose partners begged them to open up about their fantasies and then reacted with horror at the revelation of a harmless, relatively common, and easily indulged sexual interest, like a thing for feet or fuzzy handcuffs or both. In a world where your run-of-the-mill foot fetishists and bondage-for-beginners types get dumped after laying their kink cards on the table, you’re going to encounter people who hesitate to share their sexual thoughts and fantasies with new partners for fear of getting dumped.
That said, it’s possible your boyfriend is one of those rare guys who is completely vanilla, TBR, and all of his sexual needs are being met in your relationship. (It’s also possible he doesn’t think about sex every seven seconds — or nineteen times a day, which is the average for male college students.) So, why not… for the time being… take him at his word? You’re setting a good example for him by sharing your fantasies, TBR, and you can and should remind him once in a while — every two months or so — that you’re ready and willingto return the favor if he has (or suddenly acquires) a sexual fantasy you can reasonably indulge. (“Reasonable” is a subjective standard when it comes to fantasies and/or kinks; one person’s “reasonable” is another person’s “no fucking way.”) If he hasn’t opened up to you about his fantasies because he’s struggling with shame — assuming, again, that he has any sexual fantasies — there’s no better cure than the affection, attention, and patience of a GGG partner like you.
As for keeping things interesting, TBR, just like it sometimes falls to one partner to initiate, it sometimes falls to one partner — not always the same partner — to keep things interesting once the NRE has worn off. Which means you may be the one who has to order toys and/or suggest heading to a sex club or fucking one on the roof when the time comes. So long as your GGG boyfriend is game to go there with and for you, TBR, being the one who keeps things interesting — being the suggestion box — is only a problem if you decide to make it one.
How do you learn to live with your partner’s most annoying, idiotic behavior? I’m a 40-year-old bisexual woman in a long-term open relationship with a man. I tolerate a lot in my relationship with my ADHD partner, but there is this one little thing that makes my blood boil. When we watch movies or shows together, I sometimes lose the thread of the story, and ask my partner what’s going on. When he answers, he never uses the characters names or signifiers, only pronouns. Instead, he says stuff like “he wants him to follow him to his place so he can get the thing from him.” (In our language “he” and “him” can be the same word so it’s even worse.) It annoys me SO MUCH!!! Why not use the characters’ names or say “the guy in the red shirt” or SOMETHING like that?!? I can never follow my partner’s explanation. And when I ask, “Him who?,” my partner gets mad and accuses me of pretending not to follow his explanation. Which I must admit I sometimes do because WHY NOT JUST USE THE NAMES!??! We’re currently trying to watch the Jason Bourne movies, but started fighting over this in the middle of the second one, and haven’t been able to pick it up again. Watching movies together is a big part of our relationship. How does one come to terms and live with stuff like this in long-term relationships?
Annoyed Film Fan
One learns to cope.
Taking the example you cite — a partner’s inability to provide one with helpful plot-and-character summaries while watching a film — since one knows one’s partner won’t be able to provide one with the kind of recaps one requires, one could keep one’s laptop open on one’s lap opened to the film’s IMDB page. Then instead of asking one’s partner to do what one’s partner has repeatedly proven himself incapable of doing, AFF, one could glance down at the IMDB page already open on one’s laptop, as needed, to glean the information one needs.
Basically, AFF, after one has identified a source of frustration in one’s romantic relationship — after one has identified an engine of conflict — one should do what one can to avoid that thing. If that thing can be avoided, of course, which this thing can. In other words, AFF: one copes, one doesn’t seethe.
P.S. There are always things about our partners that drive us crazy. If there’s something you truly can’t stand — if there’s something you can’t live with — you end the relationship. But if you don’t want to end the relationship, you learn to live with and work around the things your partner does or fails to do or that your partners says or fails to say that drive you crazy. That’s the price of admission, AFF, and all partnered people pay it.
I’m a 40-year-old cishet male, or at least I have been so far. I was in a very long-term relationship for most of my adult life, which ended just recently (partly because sex just wasn’t fulfilling for either of us anymore), and I find myself wanting different things out of sex nowadays. Specifically, I would like to try a more submissive role, and increasingly I don’t really care what gender the other person is. I’m learning that I’m quite attracted to twinks, femboys, and trans men, as well as women. I’m interested in exploring this attraction, but I have NO idea how to get back into the cishet dating/casual sex scene, much less the LBGTQ+ dating scene. I am excited but frankly terrified to put myself back out into the world, and I don’t know what I’m doing. Any advice?
Branching Out Now
For better or worse, BON, most people — cishet or queer — meet their new sex partners and/or and life partners online. So, take some accurate pics, download some apps, and put yourself out there. And if you’re interested in experimenting with twinks, femboys, and trans men, you’re free to get on hookup aps and dating websites that serve the LGBTQIA+ community and send messages to people you find interesting.
Remember: the “Q” in LGBTQ+ doesn’t just stand for “queer, BON, it also stands for “questioning,” which is what you’ve been doing lately, which means you have just as much right to be on a queer hookup app as anyone else. That doesn’t mean you won’t get grief from queer people who don’t think you belong there — or don’t wanna be your experiment and don’t think anyone else should wanna be your experiment either — but they can go fuck themselves. So long as you’re honest about who you are and what you’re looking for, you approach people respectfully, and you take “no” for an answer, BON, you aren’t violating anyone by getting on the apps. And trust me: there are twinks and femboys and trans men out there who are up for being a “straight” guy’s first queer experience.
And remember… when it comes to sex and dating… no one know what they’re doing until they do it a few times. Like everyone else who’s ever gotten a dating or hookup aps, BON, you’ll learn.
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