Okay, let’s struuuuuuugle…
Thingamajig kicked off a lively discussion about the ethics and optics of using someone else’s toothbrush… a discussion that reminded me of a question that appeared in Savage Love a long time ago… so long ago, in fact, that you won’t find it in the archives. (The column got its start in 1991; the online archives only go back to 1999.) Anyway, this guy wrote in because he was doing something wrong but didn’t know how to stop: he would go to parties (house parties, dinner parties, after parties), excuse himself to use the bathroom, jerk off into the sink, and then dip the bristles of his hosts’ toothbrushes in his cum before washing the rest down the sink.
Thirty years later… and I’m still sleeping with my toothbrush under my pillow. (Also, I don’t think that LW wanted to stop.)
Says Joanie…
Re: the woman thinking her guy’s balls smelled bad because he didn’t have special underwear for the gym: If he’s washing his underwear properly, it should be just as clean as his everyday underwear. (Lady here who has been going to the gym for 30 years and I’ve never had separate gym underwear and neither has my gym-going male partner.) He needs to scrub his balls in the shower! And she needs to use her words. Eight months of stanky BJs?!?
I’m surprised it didn’t occur to me as I recorded my response — what with my worst-case scenario disorder and all — that the caller’s boyfriend might be one of those straight guys who don’t wipe their own asses because it’s gay to touch a man’s butthole. (Although I’d like to think a Lovecast listener wouldn’t date a guy that homophobic… or go down on a guy that smelly.) I mean, it’s arguably gayer for a guy to touch balls than it is for a guy to touch a butthole since everyone has an butthole (mostly) but only dudes have balls (mostly). So, if he is one of those guys… that might explain his balls.
It’s harder to explain how a person — the caller — could go down on a guy with stinky balls for eight months.
Says Dutch Lady…
For the caller who was broken up with because her boyfriend entered a monogamous relationship: that poor woman did precisely nothing to you. Your boyfriend made a choice. Men have agency. If you want to be angry, be angry with him. But I wouldn’t be angry if I were you. It’s not surprising that your boyfriend went looking for a primary relationship because he was never going to be your primary. Most people want that. He fell in love with a woman who wanted monogamy and at that time, he thought he could do that. Seems he was wrong, but you should have moved on a while ago.
The person who really needs to know that guy — the caller’s ex — was wrong about wanting monogamy is his current partner, i.e. the woman who demanded a monogamous commitment from him in the first place. If he knows now that he can’t honor a monogamous commitment, he needs to tell that to his current girlfriend before reaching out to his previous girlfriend(s). And while most of the caller’s anger should be directed at this guy, if the other woman is truly a cowgirl… the caller can reserve a little of her anger for her.
Says Mark…
DON’T DO WHAT DAN SAID! I’m talking to the caller who read his wife’s journals! Do what you should have done in the first place: Tell your wife you stumbled across the journals and want to read them. And tell her why: Because you think it would be sexy to know more about her inner voice! Admit that most writers are reluctant to share first drafts so if she doesn’t want you to read everything maybe she could read some parts of her journal to you. Or you could start a shared journal in which you would share your inner thoughts.
“Don’t do what Dan said!” is pretty solid advice most of the time — in all fairness to Mark — but I don’t think it’s true in this particular instance.
Stacking a potentially transparent lie on top of an already existing privacy violation isn’t the way to go — not if the caller’s wife can easily spot his lies. I don’t know about other married people, but I can always tell when my husband is lying to me (he’s a terrible liar) and he can almost always tell when I’m lying to him (I’m a slightly better liar). And as lies go, “I found your journals but I didn’t read them,” is right up there with, “I smoked pot but I didn’t inhale,” on the credibility scale. (Even an accomplished liar is going to have a hard time putting that one over.) If the caller can’t admit to having read his wife’s journals without her assuming (correctly) that he read them — and if he knows she would react badly — he’s better off initiating a conversation about working on their sex life without bringing up her journals at all.
Says Kerry about the same call…
I wouldn’t tell her, especially if she still journals. I’m an avid journaler and once had a girlfriend read part of my journal (she told me). I definitely felt a little violated. Rather than tell her, you might try suggesting keeping a shared journal together where you essentially write entries for each other. Might be a good way to open up.
Says JJ72…
I was a bit confused about the caller with the USB-misplacing ex: What exactly did she want him to apologize for? Not deleting the content after the relationship ended? Still masturbating to their material or misplacing the USB drive for a little while? TBH, I don’t think he has anything to apologize for unless she actually asked him to delete the videos. But she didn’t say anything about that. On the other hand, him being so open and honest about this should be a seen as a major green flag.
Agreed!
Says Mary via email…
Hi! Just a quick note as I believe Dan has mentioned the Smitten Kitten store in Minneapolis before on the Lovecast and may have even had the owner on. The owner and other employees recently saved the life of a woman who overdosed outside the store. As a long time Minneapolis-based listener, I thought Dan might like to know or possibly do a shout out.
Happy to shout out the amazing people at Smitten Kitten, which is still one of the best sex shops in the country!
This came in via email…
Dan! You should talk about your experience being a “boxing ring girl” at that Cappy’s Boxing Gym event in Seattle in the early 2000s and what you learned.
I have no memory of this. I’m not saying it didn’t happen — it’s entirely possible this happened — it’s just that the early 2000s are a blur at this point. If anyone out there reading this anything about this event and my appearance in the ring, please jump into the comment thread! If you have pics, email them to me!
Feedback is always appreciated…
Hey, Dan! I’m RETIRED from your December 31, 2024, column here! So cool that you answered questions from older dudes that week. I appreciated your answer and the comments from your readers and I wanted to share a quick update: I took your advice! DADT remains the watchword for my sex life (which has been wonderful lately, BTW), but my wife was supportive and understanding about my new opportunities than I expected. Fortunately, she can live with me being gone for a few days here and there. The idea that she could hang with our daughter if I have to leave for an extended period of time sounded good to her. And one of our sons, with whom I discussed this as well, said he could come hang for a week or so since his organization has an office nearby. So, lo and behold, communication has put my mind at ease! (And just so you know, Dan, it wasn’t the bisexual circus that was calling! But I have been getting plenty of dick nonetheless!)
It’s always great to hear back from people — particularly when they took my advice, and it went well. So, thanks for the update, RETIRED!
Alright, here’s a question that was submitted for the column this week that I’m not going to be able to get to…
I’ve been in my relationship for about a year and a half. My BF and I met when he came in to fix something at my store. He asked me out and I recently single said yes despite being seven years his senior. He displayed very jealous and emotional behavior early on. At the time, I was still living with my ex-BF (we’d been broken up less than a month), and I chalked his behavior up to that. About three months into dating, my current BF told me that he also lived with his ex-GF. I forgave his lie and we moved forward.
Two months later, his whole life blew up and I got the sense there was more to his story. When I asked for COMPLETE honesty, he admitted that he wasn’t actually single when we met. He with still with his GF of nine years (!) when we got together and it was only after his girlfriend found out about us — only after she found out her was cheating on her with me — that they actually broke up.
We managed to get past that and continued our relationship. I moved in with him and the second week or so of living together again there was a circumstance that made me feel he was hiding something else. He then admitted his ex wasn’t just an ex-GF but that he had proposed to her a few months before we met, which means she was his ex-fiancée.
So, fast forward to February, and I found a message on his social media to his ex saying he emailed her. We got into a huge fight about something else and I demanded to read the email. This email started with this: “There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about you.” It went on to list all the things about her that he loved and still loved and strongly insinuated I lacked these qualities. All the while he’s been telling me I’m his soulmate, that he wants to have a baby with me, how he blew up his whole life to be with me.
He’s very emotional, I’m not, and we have EXPLOSIVE fights. He says he has “trust” issues with me because he went through my phone (without permission) and found friendly texts between me and a former BF. These texts were polite and friendly, not personal at all, and NOT expressions of love. He now insists that these texts prove I broke his trust.
Am I completely insane to believe he isn’t full of shit and just emotionally manipulating me? Anytime I’ve said I want to break up he breaks down crying and says he loves me and needs me in his life and he couldn’t go on without me. I do love him but I often feel overwhelmed by his neediness and emotionality. The constant jealousy is exhausting but I want to believe it can get better. Am I kidding myself?
Continuously Having Explosive Arguments That Suck
Have some advice for CHEATS? Drop it in the comment thread!