Quickies

1. How does one find the clitoris?

I’m told the clitoris is not hard to find — go north, young man — but if one tries to find it and one fails, one should pull over (or pull out) and ask for directions.

2. If someone tells you to “do whatever you want,” should you?

Someone who says that and means will eventually say it to the wrong person and get hurt; they’re a danger to themselves. Someone who hears that and takes it as license to do whatever they want is a danger to others. So, a decent person — by definition — wouldn’t do whatever they wanted to someone who told them they could. And seeing as you’re a reader of mine, I’m hoping you’re a decent person.

P.S. People who say “do whatever you want” don’t mean it. What they mean is this: “I’m too embarrassed to ask for what I want, so I want you to guess.” Never guess.

3. Instruct me on what I need to know about trying tantric sex with my boyfriend.

There’s only one thing I can tell you about tantric sex: You’ll have to ask someone else, as I know nothing about it.

4. I’ve been with my partner for eight months. I’m a quite small woman and seem to be even smaller down there, which means there’s not much I can do in the bedroom without getting hurt. We have tried different positions but more than half cause me to bleed or be so sore that we’re left with maybe three positions that work. I can see he gets frustrated with being limited. Is there any way to make myself slightly bigger to give him more room to have fun?

Most couples experiment with different positions before landing on a few that work for them — positions and angles of penetration that work best for their bodies during penetrative sex — and those positions become their go-to/default positions. There are lots of ways a straight couple can enjoy each other prior to having PIV in a position that’s pleasurable for both partners; two people can also enjoy each other (and get each other off) without having penetrative sex every time (or at all). If your boyfriend is pushing you to have PIV sex in positions that are painful for you, he’s a selfish asshole and you should DTMFA.

5. Should a woman “prep” every time before doing anything anal — even just a plug?

A woman who can’t tolerate even a chance of mess should “prep” (read: douche) before anal; if someone is into anal but squeamish about mess, he can ask his female partner to prep. (And he should show his gratitude for the effort with something other than his dick). As for butt plugs: since they don’t go in and out during sex, they don’t really require prep. (Lube? Yes. Prep? No.) If you’re concerned about what a plug might look like when it comes out, head to the bathroom once the fun is over and remove on your own.

6. I went to HUMP! 2025 Part 1. I want to know more about the mud pit used in one of the films! Is that wrestling pit open to the public? What kind of mud is that? Why is it so hot?

“The magical muck in our pit is pure kaolin clay, which we buy in bulk from ceramic supply stores,” said MuddyBuck, co-creator and co-star of Pit of Pleasure, one of the more than twenty brand new HUMP! films touring the country. “It’s skin-safe, silky smooth, and creates that perfect viscous consistency that lets bodies slide against each other in the most delicious ways.” While the mud pit featured in Pit of Pleasure isn’t open to the public, the team behind Pit of Pleasure does host private sessions for vetted folks at their home pit. “Anyone interested in joining the Brotherhood of Mudsters can slide into our DMs,” said MuddyBuck. “As for what draws us to mud play, it’s the ultimate body-blurring experience. The boundaries between you and your partner literally melt away as you’re coated in this primordial goo. It’s like sensory deprivation and sensory overload simultaneously  — perfect for kinky minds who get off on that liminal space between self and other.”

HUMP! 2025 Part is on tour now! Find out when HUMP! is coming to a city near you, watch the trailer, and order tickets at HumpFilmFest.com!

7. How do I keep my boyfriend satisfied when he is more experienced than me? I have only had sex with him. He said the sex was so bad at first that he almost ended things with me because I’m so inexperienced. It’s hard to act sexy because I don’t feel sexy. What do I do?

I think you should take your boyfriend at his word — you’d be better in bed if you were more experienced — and go fuck a whole bunch of other guys: hotter guys, kinder guys, guys who wanna build you up (and get you off) and not tear you down.

8. My regular hookup continues to paint me. Should I call it quits?

Does your regular hookup know you’re bothered? If they know and it keeps happening… that’s on them: they’re not taking reasonable steps to prevent painting (read: shitting all over your dick) or they’re taking those steps and they’re not making a difference. But if they don’t know it bothers you — if you haven’t told them — that’s on you.

9. How do you find a no-strings-attached JO partner?

JO parties are a good place to start! To find out more about JO clubs and the men who attend them — men who are, by definition, looking for no-strings-attached JO partners — listen to my interview with Paul Rosenberg, founder of Rain City Jacks, on the Savage Lovecast.

10. Gay anal virgin! A finger is okay anything bigger just hurts. I really want to get fucked! I don’t want to try poppers! Suggestions please!

Get some butt plugs! And dildos! Ranging in size! From the size of your finger! To the size of your goal dicks! Don’t come unless you’re plugged for the next three months! Create a powerful association between having something in your ass and getting off! Then find a patient, understanding dude who wants to be your dildo! There to get you off! Not there — at least not at first — to get himself off!

11. Is “I’m not sure that’s the vibe” a good way to tell someone that a friendship probably won’t turn sexual?

When you say, “I’m not sure that’s the vibe,” a clear-thinking person hears, “I’m not sexually attracted to you and nothing sexual is going to happen between us.” But someone in the grip of dickful/clitful isn’t thinking clearly. So, when you say, “I’m not sure that’s the vibe,” the other person might hear, “I’m not sure RIGHT NOW that’s the vibe BUT THAT COULD CHANGE SO KEEP TRYING.” Likewise, when someone says, “I’m not in the right place for a relationship,” the other person might hear, “I’m not in the right place for a relationship BUT I MIGHT BE SOON SO KEEP TRYING.” If you tried to gently let someone know it wasn’t going to happen and it didn’t work… you’ll have to try again, less gently and more bluntly.

12. How can I give my boyfriend a prostate orgasm and convince him to let me try? I’m a woman, he’s a man, and he’s reluctant to let me do this.

If your boyfriend is reluctant because he doesn’t enjoy anal stimulation that much — if he doesn’t truly love anal stimulation — you’re not gonna be able to give him one of those hard-to-cum-by prostate orgasms, which even guys who love anal have difficultly achieving. So, you might have to let this go.

13. Could you help with the timing of eating, anal douching, and sex? I don’t feel sexy when I’m hungry.

Douche a couple of hours before play and have something light to eat an hour before play and you’ll be fine.

14. Is it okay to drink pee for someone’s kink?

Trump hasn’t issued an executive order banning it — not yet.

15. My new boyfriend doesn’t talk during sex. I love some verbal communication. How do I ask for it?

Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love!

Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!

Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love