Hurt People

...met this wonderful man. My main ex from the throuple — the one I loved most — just reached out to let me know that he and his other partner broke up and he wants me back. All of a sudden, my ex is telling me how much he loves me, how much he wants me, and how he wants to be my only partner — all of the things I would’ve killed to hear him say a year ago. I now find myself torn between my new boyfriend, who has done nothing wrong, and my ex, a man I love so much and have this INCREDIBLE sexual chemistry with but who really hurt me. It should be noted that I am incredibly submissive in bed, and although my new partner tries to be dominant, it doesn’t come naturally to him. My ex was fantastic in that role. And if I’m being honest, I have to admit that that kind of sexual play is something I need in a relationship. I’m torn and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but find myself in the impossible position of choosing between two people I care deeply about. Help! Tormented Over X In Chicago “When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.” — Oscar Wilde You spent three years in a throuple that turned toxic — or maybe was toxic from the start — and when it ended, all you wanted was for the one guy you loved (most or at all) to choose you… and he didn’t. So, you did what people are supposed to do when a relationship ends: you moved out, you moved on, you met someone else. And now the relationship gods have decided to fuck with you: the man you wanted is single and now he wants you and only you — so, your prayers have been answered, but a year too late. Let’s rewind. You joined a couple as a third — as their third — but you weren’t a perfectly balanced third. You were more into one than the other, TOXIC, which you most likely realized going in. That happens in lots of relationships; even in couples, one partner is often more invested/besotted/committed than the other. “Perfectly balanced” relationships are rare. But an imbalance hits different — it’s more destabilizing — in a triad. If the partner you weren’t into could tell you were only tolerating him while not-so-subtly fantasizing about peeling off his boyfriend… that’s not just an awkward vibe or a price-of-admission power imbalance a person can learn to tolerate. That’s an existential threat. Whether the other guy — the guy your dream man just dumped — was always the problem or he became a problem when he sensed not just what you wanted, TOXIC, but what his original partner also wanted… it’s easy to understand why he was unhappy. It’s a situation that could bring out the worst in anybody — you included. Anyway! Your throuple ended! You did the work! You found someone new! Someone kind! Someone who loves you! Someone you love… kinda… but not as much as you love the man who just walked back into your life. As much as it pains me to say this — because the only person we know for sure is blameless in all this is the lovely man you’ve been seeing for the last six months — you should dump the new guy. You’re already comparing the new guy to your ex… and the new guy can’t meet your needs the same way your ex did… which means you’re going to be thinking about your ex each and every time the new guy tries and fails. And the longer you go on measuring the meh sex you have with your current boyfriend against the insanely hot sex you had with your ex, TOXIC, the more you’re going to miss your ex and find yourself fantasizing about what might’ve been. And then — a year from now? two? — you’ll start sabotaging things with not-so-new-anymore guy and blow that relationship up to get back with an ex who might not have waited for you. So, while staying with the nice guy sounds like the nice thing to do — while it sounds like the decent thing to do — staying with someone to avoid hurting their feelings only sets them up for more hurt down the road. But while you won’t be able to avoid hurting your current boyfriend’s feelings, TOXIC, you can avoid wasting his time by ending things cleanly and soon instead of drawing it out. But don’t move right back in — or pick up right where you left off — with your ex. Date him. Take it slow. You may have fantasized about being with your ex on his own, TOXIC, but you’ve never known him on his own. P.S. You’re faced with a choice between two men you love — your ex from that disastrous throuple and the man you’ve been seeing for six months — and you’re hesitating, in much the same way your ex faced a choice between you and his original partner and hesitated. So, if you’re still angry with your ex about hesitating… maybe you get it now and can let that anger go? My dad is a dick. He’s been married to my mom for a long time. They have nine kids. I’m the eldest at 24, and the youngest is nine. My mom is a stay-at-home parent who has devoted her life to raising us kids and supporting our father. Lately, my dad has started disappearing. He leaves on solo international trips with no notice, sometimes without telling my mom where he’s going or how long he’ll be gone. She wakes up alone and heartbroken. He recently told her he’d be “offline for three days” while “traveling via China.” She was beside herself — my father has health issues, and he gave her no way to contact him. When I checked his iPad, I not only found his location, but evidence of years of affairs. I told one of my sisters, only to discover she and two of my other siblings already know. Worse, he’s been blackmailing and bribing them into silence. He’s spent years preparing for the fallout if he’s ever discovered. If my mom leaves him, she’ll be left with nothing. He’s made sure of that. I hate what he’s done to us. I hate that he’s a coward who won’t be honest with my mom. I hate how he’s damaged my siblings. But I also don’t want to destroy my mom’s life and what little stability my younger siblings still have. I feel trapped between blowing it all up and protecting the people I love. What the hell do I do? Despicable And Deceitful Asshole Your dad is a dick with an expiration date — the health issues he’s neglecting — and here’s hoping the stress of leading a double life moves his expiration date forward. But besides rooting for the massive coronary your dad deserves, DADA, it doesn’t sound like you have other good options. Telling your mom means blowing up her life — and the lives of your younger siblings — but staying silent, as some of your siblings have opted to do, will make you feel like you’re enabling a monster. And it’s not just short-term fallout you have to worry about: when (not if) your mom finds out what’s been going on, she may be even more devastated to learn that the people she loves most in this world — her own children — knew what her husband was doing and didn’t come to her. For many, the betrayal of infidelity is made worse by the realization that they were the last to know…. and if your mom is still dependent on your father when this all comes out, there’s a non-zero chance she could direct anger at you and your siblings that should’ve been directed at your father. So, when that day comes — when the day comes that your mom finds out on her own, from you, or from someone else — you’re gonna wanna be able to point to concrete things you were doing to help mom prepare for life after dad. If I were you, I would encourage mom to get a part-time job — your youngest sibling is nine, not an infant — and nudge her to get her own bank account and her own credit card, so she can start creating her own credit history. Then if she projects her anger onto you when the shit hits the fan (or even if she doesn’t), DADA, you’ll be able to look your mom in the eye and say, “We didn’t feel like we could tell you when we found out — we weren’t sure you would want to know — but we were trying to protect you.” And the next time dad is “traveling in China,” DADA, get on his iPad and gather up all the evidence you can: download incriminating emails, take screenshots of bank statements, print out anything that could document your dad’s financial schemes, etc. Then guilt your siblings into using the money your dad paid them to hire an experienced divorce attorney and a forensic accountant to look through what you manage to find. If it turns out your dad was bluffing — if your mom isn’t as screwed as your dad claims — then it’ll be dad’s life that gets blown up and mom who gets everything. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love