STRUGGLE SESSION: Sexual Compatibility vs. Relationship Compatibility, Sparing Is Caring, Double Standards and More!

...nds like you want that too, but still: I’d expect him to at least offer to share/do the poly thing now that he is in your shoes, so to speak. So for me this would be a hard no. Maybe try to teach your current boyfriend how you want to be dominated you before throwing away someone who treats you well. You’re assuming a lot of facts that aren’t in evidence, JJ72. First, we don’t know who dumped who — we don’t know whether TOXIC’s main ex got dumped or did the dumping or it was a mutual decision — all we know is the original couple split up and Main Ex wants TOXIC back. We also don’t know whether Main Ex wants monogamy. According to TOXIC, his ex wants to be “his only partner.” That could mean monogamy or it could mean — and most likely does mean (these are gay men we’re talking about) — an open-but-not-poly relationship; so, other sex partners, sure, but no other partner partners. (Threesomes in the future? Sure. Thirds in the future? Nope.) And there’s nothing in TOXIC’s letter that suggests Main Ex didn’t treat him well when they were together. That TOXIC’s ex couldn’t give TOXIC everything TOXIC wanted precisely when TOXIC wanted it… yeah, that’s was a bummer, and it hurt, but it doesn’t mean Main Ex treated TOXIC poorly. As for prioritizing sexual chemistry over relationship compatibility… I don’t think sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility — two different things that reveal themselves at different stages in a relationship — should be prioritized over relationship compatibility and/or emotional compatibility. But like Alex Forrest… they should not be ignored. Given the amount of mail I get from people contemplating divorce and/or seeking my permission to DWYNTDTSMASS (aka “cheat”) because their partners don’t satisfy them sexually and never did shows 1. people are likelier to under-prioritize sexual chemistry/compatibility than they are to over-prioritize them and 2. how often people come to regret it. Sexual chemistry/compatibility aren’t the only things that matter! Of course! So, I don’t think they should be prioritized over relationship/emotional compatibility… but people should prioritize (and be encouraged to prioritize) sexual chemistry/compatibility alongside relationship/emotional compatibility. And seeing as TOXIC and his ex are compatible emotionally and sexually — facts that are in evidence — and seeing as TOXIC and his current BF are not sexually compatible after six months of trying… I think the choice is obvious: TOXIC should politely dump his current BF and start dating his ex. Dashing makes a good point… TOXIC: don’t tell the new guy why you’re dumping him. No need to compound the hurt to make him feel like he’s not good enough. Just leave it vague like you’re not feeling it or something. Which Randy seconds… I totally agree with not telling the new guy why you’re dumping him. I’ve definitely been the guy being left for someone else, and it sent me down a spiral of comparison and insecurity that I really would rather not have gone on. From the point of view of the new guy, I’d rather be dumped with a kind lie (not enough time, not over my past relationship, just need to be by myself for a while) than be told “I’m choosing someone else over you.” If you have a certain kind of anxiety, that kind of thing is ego shredding. And I’m going to third. Sparing is caring. Says Delta35… TOXIC — before you break up with BF tell him, maybe he’s OK with poly. You might be able to have two delicious but different cakes. Just because being in a triad/throuple didn’t work when you were the “third” doesn’t mean it might not work if you’re the apex of a poly-V. While I agree with the broader point Delta35 is making here, I don’t think Delta35’s advice is workable in TOXIC’s particular circumstances; the new BF is gonna feel like he’s been demoted and and Main Ex wants to have TOXIC all to himself. But while I believe Delta35’s advice is unworkable in this instance (Delta35 has given readers a lot of great advice at other times!), most people would urge TOXIC to ignore Delta35’s advice because didn’t TOXIC just try polyamory and didn’t it end badly? Which is not something anyone ever says (except in irony) to people who “tried” monogamy and wound up getting dumped. When polyamorous relationships fail, everyone blames polyamory (and tells their heartbroken friends who tried poly once that they would have to be crazy to give polyamory another chance). When monogamous relationships fail, no one blames monogamy (and everyone congratulates their heartbroken friends when they get into their ninth or tenth monogamous relationship). It’s an annoying double standard that Delta35’s comment — or the reaction the average person would have to Delta35’s comment — throws into high relief. Now, sometimes a person learns polyamory wasn’t right for them and they shouldn’t attempt it again — but the same applies (or should apply) to monogamy: it isn’t right for everyone. Polyamory puts pressure on relationships that not all relationships can bear up under… but monogamy creates its own pressures. There was tons of great advice for DADA in the comment thread — advice from Alex and PervyJody and Zoftig and BGN and others — and I emailed DADA to let them know their letter was in the column, which I always do, and to encourage them to read the comments too. There was also some great advice from Jonathan, everyone’s favorite Dom top, for the gay caller who was insecure about not being able to compete, dick-wise, with the toys he sees in the gay sex shops and great advice from Wally for the caller who suddenly disassociated during “forced orgasm” play with her Dom partner. So much great advice for readers and callers from other readers and callers! Says Carl via email… I just wanted to say that I loved the episode with Amanda Knox and now I am engrossed in her latest book. Thank you! An excellent read! Thank you, Carl, and completely agree — Amanda’s new book is engrossing and her message is very moving. Says a reader via email… You were talking about Dems needing a hat to counter the stupid MAGA hats. I have idea for a hat to share! My friend said another friend came up with 8647 — meaning 86 (get rid of) 47 (our felon president). My friend suggested adding a pitchfork between the 86 & 47 to represent the people grabbing their pitchforks to drive him out of town! I think this is simple & does the trick. And I think there’s no such thing as a bad idea during a brainstorming session… so, thanks for sharing! So, this week I’m gonna share two questions that aren’t going to make it into the column. One is clearly Jonathan-bait the other is clearly BiDanFan-bait (see if you can tell which is which!) but everyone is invited to jump in with advice for this week’s Struggle Session LWs… On a recent podcast episode, you defined bisexual and pansexual as meaning the same thing. For decades bisexual meant being attracted to cis men and women, and only recently has gender fluidity come into the conversation. If we do not distinguish between bisexual and pansexual, then there isn’t really a label for people who only are attracted to cisgender men and cisgender women. Now I don’t see this is a Huge Problem, but you always emphasize that people should be allowed to be attracted to whatever sex or gender expressions they prefer, and not be pressured by the culture to expand on that. So why can’t we just say that bisexuals are attracted to cisgender men and women and pansexuals are attracted to multiple sexual orientations and gender identities? It feels like that would give everyone more clarity and around what people are attracted to and what they’re looking for. (This is not a hill I want to die on, I just think that it is beneficial when people are clear on what they want.) Curious Bi Guy I’ve been a bottom since my youth. Sadly, my youth is long gone and I can’t be bothered anymore, so these days I often end up topping by default. And I am very bad at it. It takes an act of God to get me hard enough to get inside, and once I am inside I cum in seconds. It’s embarrassing. I guess the answer is practice, practice, practice, but the fact is I don’t get many opportunities — certainly not repeat opportunities with the same guy. What can I do solo to train myself to be slightly less useless at this? Top By Default  Advice for CBG or TBD? Drop it in the comments…