Slut Biome

...ce of the body’s natural biome and healthy bacteria. I know that gut bacteria are obviously deeper in the intestine, but I’d imagine there’s got to be some “good bugs” in the ass, too, right? Basically, I’m wondering if she’s just been having a spate of bad luck with some coincidental timing, or if shoving stuff up your butt can actually weaken or damage your biome and kill your healthy bacteria. Some other details: She doesn’t use any chemical anal douches or anything (just shower water, thoroughly applied by hand), the butt plug is silicone (washed with soap and water), we use Sliquid Sassy (a water-based lube), we never go A-to-V, and there’s no evidence we’re doing things too rough (i.e., some moderate soreness the day after but no blood). Neither of us wants to give up our new hobby, but we also don’t want to risk damaging her immunity. Is there any evidence, medically or anecdotally, that this is a real issue? Biology Upends Naughty Shenanigans Your girlfriend’s gastrointestinal tract is thirty feet long — so, unless you’re hung like three consecutive horses and/or you’re shopping for butt plugs in the “you’ve got to be kidding me” aisle of the sex shop, BUNS, you’re only playing with the last six to ten inches. And the bacteria in your girlfriend’s rectum (good witch bacteria, bad witch bacteria) are on their way out, BUNS, not up, and douching and anal play can only hasten their departure. So, I would chalk your girlfriend’s recent post-anal-play illnesses up to coincidence. And what she experienced was a thing — or if it’s still a common thing (“flu-like symptoms” are an early sign of HIV infection) — rabid anti-gay bigots would not shut up about it (they love talking about butt stuff), and actual gay men would schedule anal on the Fridays of three-day weekends. Just the fact that sexually active gay men into anal (#NotAllGayMen) don’t set aside three days to recover after anal sex is solid anecdotal evidence that this was a coincidence, BUNS, not a thing. Trans woman from Denmark here. I’ve matched with a cuck on Feeld who’s looking for people who want to have sex with his fiancée. He was clear that this is not a simple “hotwifing” scene, as he enjoys the humiliation aspect of it. So, if this thing happens (we are still negotiating), what word would I use to describe myself? What would my position be called? I heard on the podcast that the person who fucks the wife of a cuckold is sometimes called a “bull.” This strikes me as a very male-coded term. What if the third party is a woman? Does this touch upon some kind of gendered bias in the cuck culture? Is it more typical to want a man to fuck your partner? Nervous About Terminology You don’t fuck a man’s fiancée — or his man’s wife or girlfriend or boyfriend or husband — with a term, NAT, you fuck a man’s fiancée/wife/girlfriend/etc. with whatever it is you enjoy fucking a person with, e.g. your fingers, your tongue, your toys, your dick (bio or strap-on), etc. Also, you don’t have to present a business card with “bull” engraved on it when you arrive, NAT, and you will not be announced by a herald when you enter the bedroom. Cuckold scenes are about power, not nicknames, and you can enjoy the power play — you can enjoy having sex with this man’s fiancée — without having to embrace and/or tacitly endorse terms other people use to describe themselves when they fuck other people’s partners. That said, “bull” is the most common term for the third in a cuckold scene, and the default understanding the term is a dominant, well-endowed man who is in every way sexually superior to the cuck. Some people feel the term is hypermasculine (in ways that can be good or bad), dehumanizing (in ways that are almost always bad), and racially loaded (in a very bad way). The stereotype of the Black bull — brought in to ravish a white wife while the white husband watches — is a common trope in cuck porn (and play), and some find it deeply problematic. But something can be problematic and still be a turn-on; there are Black men out there who identify as bulls and enjoy playing that role for couples who respect them as people. But the term is optional. If you’re into the dynamic and the chemistry with this couple is right and you’re certain his fiancée has enthusiastically consented to “cheating” with you, you can go for it as yourself. But if you like the term, NAT, you aren’t disqualified from using it just because you’re a woman. While the term is male-coded, it’s also insertive-partner-coded (bulls do the fucking), but gay cucks refer to the men who sleep with their top husbands as bottom bulls. If gay cucks can use “bull” to refer to thirds regardless of who’s doing the fucking, NAT, I don’t see why a woman can’t use it to refer to herself. Gay guy in a May/December relationship. Been with my partner for almost five years now. Moved to his state to be with him, embracing his life and friends entirely. My youthful desires/needs are changing, and I feel as though our paths will eventually diverge. Differences in libido, his unwillingness to open the relationship, a generational disconnect, and the fact that we don’t share many common interests. He’s an absolutely wonderful person and I love having him in my life, but after getting consistent resistance to make some adjustments for me (as I have made for him), I am now questioning the future. I don’t expect a loveable old dog can change and I feel the writing is on the wall. But I want to make sure I give him a fair shot while also being fair to him and to myself. Am I wrong to have these thoughts? Do I need to put in more effort and continue talking about it? Gay And Pressed You’re not wrong to have these thoughts — you’re a May, GAP, you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want. That’s what Mays do. And Decembers who can’t roll with change shouldn’t partner with Mays. (Bone? Yes. Partner? No.) But if you’ve concluded that monogamy isn’t for you (anymore) and you don’t wanna do the wrong thing (cheat), GAP, then you’re gonna have to issue an open-or-over ultimatum. Issuing an ultimatum is scary because you could wind up breaking your partner’s heart and blowing up your life — and find yourself having to pay your own rent again — but if your sexual connection is waning and the generational disconnect is growing, your relationship is doomed unless it changes. Which means this very scary and potentially very consequential conversation is actually the only way to save your relationship. I’ve been a bottom since my youth. Sadly, my youth is long gone, and I can’t be bothered anymore, so these days I often end up topping by default. And I am very bad at it. It takes an act of God to get me hard enough to get inside, and once I am inside, I come in seconds. It’s embarrassing! I guess the answer is practice, practice, practice, but the fact is I don’t get many opportunities — certainly not repeat opportunities with the same guy. What can I do solo to train myself to be slightly less useless at this? Often Limp Dude I posted your question in last week’s Struggle Session — where I respond to comments and invite my readers to share their thoughts — and Jonathan, one of our superstar commenters, had some great advice for you: men of all ages can bottom, the right ED meds can help you get and stay hard when you wanna top, and condoms can help you last longer by decreasing sensitivity. “It’s also not fair to have bottoms go through their prep [if OLD knows he’s likely to fail],” Jonathan added. “Really, the only place OLD should be topping is in a bathhouse or during an anon cumdump scene where the bottoms know he’s not their only source of pleasure for the evening.” My two cents: If you’re not into bathhouses or anon cumdump scenes — minority tastes — consider investing in some high-quality silicone dildos and plugs in different shapes and sizes along with a comfortable harness. Having the freedom to switch between your dick and a toy and back again takes the pressure off your dick, OLD, and taking the pressure off is a highly effective ED treatment all by itself. Lots of gay men enjoy toys and a not insignificant number seem to prefer them. (Getting pegged isn’t just for straight boys anymore.) So, having a nice collection of high-quality toys is a selling point, not a consolation prize, OLD, and including a pic of your toy collection in your profile will attract the attention of men who love being pegged as much or than they love being fucked. And succeeding with toys — instead of failing with dick — will do wonders for your confidence, OLD, and boys you pegged the shit out of will be hitting you up for repeats. P.S. Gay sex doesn’t have to include anal penetration — instead of “defaulting to top,” you could embrace being a side. Jerking off with other guys at JO parties, I’ve been told, is a great way to make new friends. UPDATE: Credit also to BiDanFan! Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love