STRUGGLE SESSION: Old Arrangements, Bi Romantics, Dan’s Baggage… and More!

...rangement the BLAAHS enjoyed for the ten years was open on both sides — but only for other women — until Mrs. BLAAHS closed the marriage out of frustration with not being allowed to pursue other men. If divorce isn’t something Mrs. BLAAHS can risk right now (kids, finances), I advised her to kick the ultimatum can down the road. But the BLAAHS returning to their old arrangement is also an option. But Mrs. BLAAHS would have to pick between two poisons: the old arrangement, which felt unfair to Mrs. BLAAHS (because Mr. BLAAHS could fuck anyone he wanted to and she could not), or the new arrangement, which is arguably more equitable (because Ms. and Mr. BLAAHS are equally miserable now) but isn’t making either of them happy. Andrew can understand why BLAAHS’ husband doesn’t want his wife sleeping with other men… It might be the assumption (not entirely unfounded) that a bisexual’s same-sex relationships are taken less seriously than opposite-sex relationships. When she goes off and has fun with women, it doesn’t seem likely that she’ll move in with one of them, but it does seem plausible that she’ll find another man and leave him. But then, in this case, that would also be a reason for her to shut his outside activity down, because he might find another woman and leave her. Thank you for that “not entirely unfounded,” Andrew. While many bisexuals are sexually and romantically attracted to both sexes/all genders, many bisexuals are not romantically attracted to same-sex partners… which was something gays and lesbians used to get slammed for noticing, to say nothing of taking into account when deciding where to invest our sexual and romantic energies. (If you just wanted to fuck, it didn’t matter; if you were looking for love, it mattered.) But while we used to think bisexuals who weren’t open to dating same-sex partners were struggling with internalized homophobia/biphobia… or that they were taking the easy way out back when same-sex relationships were heavily stigmatized… we now understand that romantic and sexual orientations are two different things. So, while some bisexuals aren’t open to same-sex romantic partnerships for shitty reasons — and the same can be said of some homosexuals — many bisexuals are heteroromantic. And that’s valid! Bisexual-and-heteroromantic (BAH) is an authentic bisexual experience! But bi people who know themselves to be BAH should disclose that fact to same-sex partners — to their gay and lesbian and bisexual-and-biromantic (BAB) partners — to prevent them from getting their hopes up about a romantic relationship that isn’t possible. Basically, if someone, through no fault of their own, can never be more than a cumdump or a fuckbuddy to you — even a cherished cumdump — they have a right to know that before (let’s say) your sixth hookup. And, yes, if Mr. BLAAHS won’t allow Mrs. BLAAHS to sleep with other men because he worries she might catch feelings for another man while he’s out there sleeping with women he could catch feelings for… he’s being a hypocrite. This came via email… I drafted quite a good letter (if I do say so myself)… and then I couldn’t bring myself to click “submit,” because what if I hadn’t been as careful as I thought? What if I’d included a detail or turn of phrase that would let someone who knows me know I wrote it, and what if that ended up hurting someone I love? Instead I just want to thank you. I listen to your show each week, and listen to how messy and human we all are, and listen to your humane and nonjudgmental responses. And it helps. A lot. I hope you already know this, but you’re good at what you do, and you’re doing good. Thank you. You’re welcome — and thank you for the wonderful note. And people send me letters all the time that they don’t want published, which I’m happy to read and sometimes have the bandwidth to respond to privately. So, if you want me to read your letter, feel free to send it in. (Please include “NOT FOR PUBLICATION,” preferably in the subject line, if you don’t want your letter published.) Okay, here’s this week’s letter that isn’t going to make it into the column… I’m scared of not finding a girlfriend again. I met with a woman when I was 21 and she was 31. It lasted for 1,5 years. After that I tried finding a girlfriend but couldn’t manage it. I’m 25 now and incredibly needy. There are “what if” thoughts on my mind all the time. “What if she doesn’t reply to my text?” “What if we go on a date but then she doesn’t want to see me again?” “What if she misunderstands me kissing her on the cheek?” And because of these thoughts I’ve scared off all the women I’ve met. I kept texting them to get guarantee that we’re going to meet or to ask them to tell me they’re still interested. I just need a guarantee that I’m going to find a girlfriend. I know that life doesn’t give guarantees but I just can’t live that way. I also need to know that I’m not cursed or I don’t have “unluck.” I’m scared of being alone forever or not finding someone until I get old. I don’t have a social circle. I have some friends but that’s all. I generally try to meet women via cold approach. I know that this method isn’t that effective but I’ve met with all women until now via cold approach. I just want that to work one more time. And I try to do that with respect and without being a creep. CBT therapy didn’t work for me at all. Even though I’ve used around 15 meds and none of them worked, my current psychiatrist said that I should be using meds for some time — maybe forever. He also said that I have resistant OCD. Do you have any thoughts/advice for me? Straight And Lonely And Depressed Have some some advice for SALAD? Share it in the comment thread — but let’s be gentle with SALAD, okay? He obviously knows he’s the problem and he’s doing the work: he tried CBT, he’s seeing a psychiatrist, he’s taking his meds, and he’s asking for help. We don’t pull punches around here — I certainly don’t — but we don’t throw roundhouses when we don’t need to.