STRUGGLE SESSION: Reassessing Relationships, Interrogating Desires, Snipping Ligaments and More!

...he 27. Those eight years are a big jump in maturity in my opinion. I was in a sexual relationship with a 29-year-old woman when I was 17. Like the caller, at that age, I wanted that relationship very much. It felt hot and special to be wanted by someone so much older than myself, who seemed so much wiser and capable than I was. But now having recently turned her age then, I don’t think that anymore; I think our relationship was gross and I feel like I was taken advantage of. She didn’t want me for me, she wanted me because I was willing and easy. And she didn’t care how it may have hurt me. I think we can look back at history and be tempered by society’s greater wiseness and our own, and call out something that was wrong years after. Caller, I think the only person who can judge whether a sexual relationship you had was positive or not is you. My heart goes out to you. My heart also goes out to that caller, A, just as my heart goes out to you. (My heart goes out to all my listeners and readers because my heart is a slut.) And I agree that looking back at our romantic and sexual histories is important — it’s how we learn from them — and sometimes something that felt good/right/wanted when it was happening looks and feels very differently in the rearview mirror. And while no one wants to get taken advantage of — and no one should be taken advantage of — getting taken advantage of by romantic/sexual partners is a risk we all face, regardless of our ages. We wanna be on guard against people who might take advantage of us… without being paralyzed by the fear of being taken advantage of… while also guarding against dickful/twatful thinking and the kind of motivated reasoning it can inspire because that shit will lead us to take advantage of others. But while your relationship with that 29-year-old woman looks gross in the rear view mirror — because that woman took advantage of you (I’m not contesting your read) — it doesn’t follow that the caller was taken advantage of by her former professor. Your age gaps may have been similar, A, but your circumstances were not. Which is why I find myself agreeing with No Cute Name‘s assessment… After listening to the call twice, I feel even more strongly that the woman doesn’t necessarily think she was damaged in any way, nor does she see herself as a victim of this man. Indeed, she is very clear that she made all the moves, both the first and second time. She is angry and hurt at his rejection, and has tried to think of a way to hurt him in return. She’s hit on a taboo or broken rule that applies (or may apply) today, but which may have been no big deal when she was first involved with the dude (though 20 years ago was still 2005, and faculty-student relationships might well have already been a flout of university rules). And she seems to be casting about rather blindly, hoping to find something with which to punish him. And No Cute Name knows something about being harassed by a college professor, as she goes on to share in her comment. The genital preference discourse came up again on this week’s show — we just can’t quit it — and Arab FTM wrote in to say… For the lesbian who is not sure about trans women: Dan used to give better advice about this sort of thing. Try this: Interrogate your desires, then accept them. The reason to interrogate your desires isn’t for the sake of other people, it’s to double-check that you aren’t cutting yourself off from love and pleasure because it doesn’t match your image of yourself. Spend a little time thinking about this. Truthfully, I think you’ve already done this part: you’ve discovered that you like kinky play with trans women, but you’re not interested in sleeping with them. Fair enough. Step 2 is Accept your desires. I’ve given that advice in the past — interrogate your desires! accept your desires! don’t be an asshole about your desires! — and I will give that advice again in the future. Because it’s excellent advice, if I do say so myself, and it applies to lots of other assumed/default/culturally-scripted preferences. Thank you for jumping into the comments to re-up my excellent advice, Arab FTM, and thank you for so thoughtfully expanding on it! (You can read the rest of Arab FTM’s comment here.) Says My Cat Is Cool… Every time I hear “bottom surgery” in reference to trans men I feel compelled to add my two cents as a trans man who has had bottom surgery: Bottom surgery does not always refer to phalloplasty. There’s another type of bottom surgery known as metoidioplasty or “meta” which involves severing the ligaments that hold down a testosterone-enlarged clitoris or T-dick. The end result is a dick a couple inches in length which retains complete sensation and doesn’t require any donor skin. It comes in lots of configurations which may or may not include urethral lengthening (allowing the person to stand-to-pee) and the removal of the vagina. It’s awesome. Ask me how I know. I knew that men/males/AMABs sometimes got this surgery — severing the ligaments that anchor the penis to their pelvis, which causes it to “drop” and appear slightly larger — but I wasn’t aware that trans men were also able get this surgery… or that clits are anchored to the pelvis by the same suspensory ligaments. (I learn something new from my readers and listeners every day!) I think it’s good there’s a “bottom surgery” option for trans men besides phalloplasty, a procedure with an extremely high complication rate that offers only limited sensation. Thanks for sharing, My Cat Is Cool! Okay, I’m going to share a very long question that isn’t going to make it into the column this week… I had a very tumultuous childhood at the hands of my abusive father. When I was around eleven my mother decided to leave him and I went through a lot of therapy, but regardless, I spent the majority of my teen years and twenties looking for the love my father never provided for me in other men. Unsurprisingly, I was very promiscuous, would arguably fuck anything with a pulse, and had a slough of damaging and abusive relationships. It wasnt until I hit my thirties that I decided to take things seriously and regain control of my life and took therapy seriously.  Now, at the age of 35, I am so proud to say that I have been single and celibate for three years, and feel more mentally sound than I ever have in my life. My daddy issues are no longer the driving force in my search for partnership. I love myself, am proud of who I am, and feel like I am a serious catch. I do not have any biological clocks ticking (don’t aspire for children or a traditional marriage, etc.) so there is no rush, but I do want to get back out there. The only thing holding me back? I have larger labia. For the record, I personally think they are super hot, and I think vaginas of all shapes and sizes are beautiful. I would say mine are moderate — they don’t interfere with my everyday life, and I do not aspire for labiaplasty. That being said, it does look like chewed bubblegum down there. More than 90% of my hookups occurred when I was drunk. I feel that inebriation was able to quiet my insecurity, and if a guy decided they wanted to fuck me again after that I felt that we had made it past that hurdle and didn’t have to address it. Also, for the record, out of my 48 kill count, only five men in my entire life have ever gone down on me (and none lasted very long or were very good). These past experiences plus my new sober mindset have led me to the conclusion that it is very undesirable. I unfortunately did have one ex to my face call them disgusting, and found out that three other guys shared with their friends that I was a mess down there. It hurt, but I would just get drunk and find some other dude at a bar to fuck and try to forget it. I think I was able to compartmentalize it and put it away back then, but that isn’t really an option now. It’s frustrating. I know it shouldn’t matter that I don’t have a perfect porn star pussy — but I fuck like a champ and am open to anything and everything and would love to find a partner to have a healthy sexual relationship and explore kinks with. My concern is that in this day and age of online dating, the illusion of numerous options just a swipe away makes me feel like I would be passed on for this “defect.” I am horrified about getting close to someone and then they decide that they no longer want to pursue me because of it. I feel that I have had partners in the past whom I have noticed are visibly disappointed when they see what my vagina looks like and I am worried one of those experiences will keep me single and celibate for the rest of my life. I posted my bits on reddit (LOL) and got great feedback; however, I’m not sure where or how I’m supposed to meet people who will worship my pussy like that in real life. Am I supposed to tell my partners in advance? That doesn’t sound very sexy. Do I just fuck people and hope they stick around? Do I just take the stance that I don’t care and hope to find someone who will eventually love me, bits and all? Is there any hope for me or should I just stay celibate? I would love to just not give a fuck, but I think that stance is always going to hurt a little. Sure, some dudes may just be immature selfish bitches, but at the same time, that’s still my body that they are disgusted and put off by and that is always going to hurt. Lonely And Basically I’m Annoyingly Single Have some advice for LABIAS? Drop it in the comments! P.S. Here’s a column featuring the wonderful Dr. Debby Herbenick from 2014 that’s relevant and might be helpful, LABIAS.