Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments from readers and listeners. I also share a question submitted to Savage Love and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice.
Laura on Instagram made a great point…
Longtime listener and reader. I love your advice and have learned a great deal. Today though I was concerned about the man whose female partner has a fantasy about being abducted while running. If there is any possibility that a bystander sees this, they could either intervene with potentially lethal consequences (we are a very heavily armed country and everyone is on edge with the ICE kidnappings), or at the very least someone traumatized thinking they witnessed an abduction. They are only considering themselves and not the public where they will be acting out their fantasy.
Excellent points, Laura. And some more advice for the same caller from Eigenwert…
To the guy with the wife who fantasizes about being kidnapped: Dan’s advice was good, but he did not go far enough in telling you to SLOW DOWN. You should take small steps in enacting this fantasy. Might I suggest that instead of going straight to grabbing her on a run, you lie in wait at home and grab her right after she shuts the door/takes her sweaty clothes off/hops into or out of the shower (and maybe don’t tell her which one!). That way, you can control all of the variables and, as a bonus, you can both be as loud as you want. It should go without saying, but TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT HOW IT SHOULD GO DOWN FIRST, have a safeword (for both of you), and have fun!
Also excellent points, Eigenwert.
Sam — a neurologist — emailed in some advice for a recent caller…
I just listened to Episode #1015 and the trapeze injury-related sexual dysfunction question caught my attention. I’m a neurologist in California, and first, my heart goes out to this woman. I can certainly attest to the not-so-thinly veiled squeamish attitude around sex within the medical profession — certainly among the older generation of providers — and it is so damaging and cruel. I hate that this woman has had to deal with this utter failure on the part of the medical profession. The fact is, medical education and training tiptoes around sex related topics, and these providers that shamed this woman almost certainly do not have solutions for this woman that they’re withholding. Shaking these providers proverbially or otherwise, or bringing an advocate so that the providers will take her more seriously, or demanding that the problems be documented, will not suddenly make it such that these providers will have sufficient training and expertise to even begin to explore the answers to her questions. Sexual function and health are, unfortunately, a very niche area of medicine that does exist, but needs to be very intentionally sought out and can only be accessed by those with the considerable means to find them.We weren’t provided with a lot of details about the extent of the woman’s injury, but it sounds a lot like a spinal cord injury. My knee-jerk reaction is to recommend she work with a physiatrist or Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation (PM&R) provider who focuses on the rehabilitation of spinal cord injuries. And if they sex-shame her, to know it’s because of the provider’s own inadequacy, and as a patient, she just needs to find another provider.
BiDanFan made a great point about YEARN…
Not a lot to add to this week’s letters. I feel for YEARN. As much as I hate it, I wonder if AI might be a good solution for him. Between an “AI girlfriend” and an occasional visit from a sex worker, YEARN might find some approximation of the relationship he is looking for. He could also be open to pen-pal relationships alongside a favored local sex worker.
Says Stephanie about the podcast intro this week…
Love you Dan, but you have faulty info on the male tree versus female tree story. PLEASE check out BlackForager on this topic here!
I follow BlackForager on Instagram (and love her stuff!) but I somehow missed her post about the cities-planting-male-trees myth! Well, now I know. My eyes are still burning from all the treeprecum I’m getting in them, but we have rising C02 levels to blame for that and not a bunch of sexist urban arborists! My bad!
And here’s this week’s letter…
I’m a 33-year-old bi woman, been married to a het guy for five years now, we’ve been each others’ only partners for the last 10 years, we just had our second kid and our sex life is literally better than ever. Libido back, we’re trying new things, but most of all we’re so comfortable and safe nothing feels off limits and we’ve been going at it multiple times a night – the last time this happened was at the very beginning!
So there really shouldn’t be any issues. But people are weird and bodies are weird, and something happened: I squirted for the first time. It felt so confusing, my husband was in the next room when it happened, but I felt so awkward (and had to clean up) it felt weird not to say anything. He told me to sleep on it and go try again another day if I felt like it, was 100% supportive, recognised I was feeling confused about it all. Refused any personal comment and was just trying to get me to calm down. Perfect reaction, right?
I still feel awkward. Something in me feels like “this shouldn’t happen”, and I’m probably not the only one who has this reaction. It sort of goes against anything that I know of how my body works. I’ve had kids, given birth, had 20 years to explore what happens when I press here or stroke there – and this is too new, it’s throwing me off. I also notice I’m seeking some type of validation from my husband: maybe I can get on board with this thing if it’s a positive for him? But also – never had to think about “performance issues” before.
I guess my question is, how do I get over myself? How do people manage squirting logistically — I have enough laundry with two small kids, I don’t want to think about ruining sheets when my husband’s on top of me (or wherever he is at that time). Do people end up learning “how” to do it, or is it always random?
Sincere Question Involving Recent Transformation
Have some advice for SQUIRT? Drop it in the comments…