1. My spouse and I haven’t had sex for almost two years. No kids, jobs aren’t stressful, and we still enjoy each other’s company. (At least I enjoy theirs.) The subject of sex never comes up. I don’t miss it, honestly, and I suspect they don’t either. But I don’t know.
It’s possible your spouse doesn’t miss sex either — it’s also possible your spouse isn’t missing sex because they’re getting it elsewhere. Seeing as you don’t have kids to worry about, I don’t think raising the subject presents an existential risk. Tell your spouse you’re content with your companionate/sexless marriage and you want to make sure they are too. If they are, great. If they’re not, well, better to hear it from them now than to find out when they file for divorce. That doesn’t mean you have to start having sex you don’t wanna have and it doesn’t mean you have to file for divorce; it just means that you will have to figure out — together — what needs to change so your spouse can live as happily within your marriage as you do.
2. About to start a Berlin/Vancouver LDR for three years. Is it monogamously possible?
Munich/Vancouver, yes. Berlin/Vancouver, no.
3. Do you have an opinion on whether there are therapeutic methods, such as CBT, which have a reasonable success rate in transforming unrequited love into friendship? I am a demisexual person who lives with the person I’m in love with. For reasons, it is difficult to move apart.
While cock and ball torture (CBT) might take your mind off your unrequited love, the effect would only last as long as the torture did. As for whether cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has the power to turn unrequited love into friendship, that I couldn’t tell you. But a little CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) — unlike a little CBT (cock and ball torture) — couldn’t hurt.
4. I’m 37-year-old cis woman from the NY-metro area. For a long while, I’ve had this gut feeling I’m meant to be partnered with a trans man. Where do I begin? Where do I go to put myself in spaces to meet more trans men? How do I go about getting over the nerves about trying something new and not making trans men I encounter feel as if they’re being fetishized? As an ally, I want to approach exploration from a place of respect. Advice would be appreciated!
I shared your question with Nico Carney, a trans man and standup comedian based in New York City.
“Hello 37-year-old cis woman looking for a trans guy to love,” Carney responded via email. “As a trans man, it certainly always feels good to feel like someone is looking for me specifically. The fact that you’re already considering how your excitement could make a trans guy feel fetishized is a sign that your heart and head are in the right place. I think the key is to remember each trans person will feel differently about how they’re being perceived. Some will be more anxious about being fetishized, while others may crave your complimenting of their specific body. It’s all about communication and building to a place of mutual trust, respect, and care. And if you want to meet trans guys out in the wild, NYC is a great place to be! Check out your favorite gay bars for any trans-dude specific meetups. A few months ago, a bar in Bushwick called All Night Skate hosted a Trans Guy Arm Wrestling Tournament. I’m a standup comedian and trans man and my audiences have lots of trans guys in them. Come see my show on June 18 in Brooklyn and maybe you’ll meet the love of your life!”
Follow Nico Carney on Instagram @NicoCarney.
5. I’m right-handed, and I do everything with my right hand — except anything sexual, whether it’s touching myself or touching a sexual partner, my hand of choice is naturally my left. Am I the only one in this situation? Any thoughts about where it could come from?
No idea whether you’re the only person who uses his non-dominant hand when touching himself and/or others in a sexual way… and no idea where this could come from. Perhaps you started using your non-dominant hand to masturbate because it replicated, in a low-key way, “the stranger,” where someone intentionally puts their arm to sleep before masturbating. (It’s supposed to feel like someone else is touching their genitals — at least in theory.)
6. A white male friend in Vancouver has had three serious girlfriends over the last five years and each one was an Asian woman. It’s not as bad as it could be, as all three of his girlfriends were fully westernized, none were impoverished immigrants, and their relationships — from the outside — seemed egalitarian. So, it’s not as bad as it could be. But it’s still bad, right? Do I have a conversation with him about it?
If your friend had had three white girlfriends in a row, you probably wouldn’t have noticed — even though a case could be made that his preference for white women was shaped by racist beauty standards and cultural conditioning. Also, maybe it was a coincidence that he dated three Asian women in a row — you live in Vancouver — or maybe your friend likes what he likes and policing his dick isn’t your responsibility.
7. I enjoy sucking dick, but I have an aversion to letting my partner cum in my mouth. There have been a few times where I’ve cut off what seems to be a very enjoyable situation because I’m not ready to get a mouthful. The thought of swallowing makes me nervous but spitting seems rude. If I were to ever be brave enough to let him finish during oral, what could I expect? Taste? Would I get a tummy ache if I swallow? Help!
There’s a middle ground between spitting and swallowing: if you let your partner come in your mouth and you don’t swallow and your lips aren’t sealed around his shaft, his cum will run out of your mouth and — depending on the position you’re blowing him in — onto his crotch or onto the floor or onto your tits.
P.S. You’ve seen your partner’s loads, which means you already have a pretty good idea what to expect volume-and-consistency-wise. As for taste, well, some tastes are worth acquiring. (Does anyone really like their first sip of beer?)
P.P.S. You might get a stomachache — you might even get the runs — because semen contains prostaglandins, which can have a laxative effect on some people. But this reaction is rare!
8. I’m a Gen X woman. I have a really basic question for you that I have wondered about for my entire adult life: Why don’t people (mostly straight men) who say they can’t live without sex just masturbate? I would get it if what they wanted was closeness and intimacy and a relationship with another person, if only for a little while — but it feels like a lot of men just want to stick their dicks in someone. Anyone. But if you’re not interested in women as human beings and you don’t even LIKE them — as is the case with a lot of men in my experience — what is the point of even bringing an actual woman into it? Why not just fuck the couch or jerk off?
I post a reader question every Thursday and let the commentariat at Savage.Love give the advice. Here’s a sampling of what the group had to say when I posted your question…
BiDanFan: “With all the drama of relationships, not to mention the inconvenience of babies, if masturbation were anywhere near as satisfying as partnered sex, the human race would have gone extinct millennia ago.”
Ruby: “I think you have just had the unfortunate luck to come across a lot of men who just want to fuck and don’t want a relationship with a woman. They’re either just looking for a hit and run or they just don’t have very good relationship skills. Or both. Yuck.”
Randy: “Fucking people is a lot more fun than fucking couches or jerking off. When jerking off I’ve always fantasized about sex with other people, but I’ve never thought about jerking off when fucking a real live person.”
Midcoast Person: “Another reason why society would be better off if we would just legalize & destigmatize sex work. The overly self-centered folks could have a legitimate place to go to satisfy that part of their sexual appetite which no amount of masturbation will sate. There’d be a lot less people pretending to be romantically interested in somebody when they only want to fuck.”
For more thoughts about your question, check out the comment thread here.
9. Is flirting cheating if nothing physical happened?
It is not — but a distinction can be made between flirting with intent, e.g. getting on the apps, swapping pics, gaming out a time and place to meet, etc., and harmless flirting, e.g. flirtatious banter with an attractive stranger in a bar or an attractive colleague at a work function. Now, some people who engage in flirt-with-intent behaviors have no plans to actually go through with it; those people are only guilty of fantasizing about cheating. (They’re also guilty of wasting other people’s time.) And there are people who fucked strangers in bar bathrooms or colleagues in empty conference rooms after some “harmless flirtation” escalated quickly. But as a general rule, if nothing happened… nothing happened.
10. I’m a cis man in his late thirties living near Toronto. I have a leather fetish and love watching porn with women wearing leather leggings, leather dresses, leather corsets, all of it. I’ve noticed the majority of leather porn is Russian. Why is it? Are there other fetishes that are dominated by one place? (The reason I’m asking is because I also like dialogue in porn, and I don’t speak Russian!)
I’m a gay man living in Seattle, and it took me all of two minutes — less than two minutes — to find porn featuring women in leather who were speaking English. The porn you seek is out there, and it’s not hard to find. Google it yourself.
11. I’m a circumcised gay top on PrEP. I find I don’t usually cum when I’m a fucking a guy —maybe 10% of the time, unless I pull out and jerk off a bit to get closer. Is that a function of a less sensitive penis or is it situational? The last time I bred a guy’s ass I was really turned on, so the situation clearly makes some difference. Thanks for any thoughts!
Look at it this way: needing to pull out and give yourself a few strokes to get there — needing to push yourself to the point of orgasmic inevitability before pushing back in and breeding a guy — means you’ll always last as long as the bottom you’re breeding wants you to. Whether it’s a function of a less sensitive penis (due to having been circumcised) or not, you can choose to regard it as a superpower and not defect.
P.S. Please don’t become one of those guys who is angry about being cut. I know lots of cut guys who can come without pulling out and giving themselves a few strokes, so your superpower may or may not be related to being circumcised. Cut guy to cut guy, we can oppose the routine circumcision of male infants — which continues to fall in the U.S. — without being self-pitying, tedious bores about it.
P.P.S. Cut guys who are angry about being cut: Please feel free to blow up at me in the comments — it won’t restore your foreskin, but your angry comments might persuade some readers who are not yet parents to refrain from having their boys circumcised if and when they do become parents. Go off!
12. I’m lucky enough to be parenting an amazing trans teen. They are in their first serious relationship — also with a trans teen — and they have nowhere to go for actionable sex ed information that in age appropriate and focuses on safety and pleasure especially when your current body isn’t what you want long term. I’m married to a trans guy and was a peer sex educator, but they like to get sex ed information from somewhere besides their mom/significant other’s mom!
The best resource you could give your trans teen — who’s lucky to have you as a parent — is a copy of Let’s Talk About It: The Teen’s Guide to Sex, Relationships, and Being a Human by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan. It covers everything a kid needs to know about sex, pleasure, porn, kink, etc., and it’s trans-inclusive. (And curious teenagers of all sexual orientations and gender identities should be pointed in the direction of Oh Joy Sex Toy, Erika and Matt’s free and fun (and educational) collection of sex positive comics.)
13. Why do some men build consistent communication, emotional connection, and even physical chemistry with a woman only to suddenly withdraw or ghost instead of communicating where they stand? It just happened to me. This wasn’t a casual or surface-level interaction, and mutual interest was confirmed days before the switch so I’m trying to understand what typically causes that shift from a psychological or behavioral standpoint.
The short answer: Because some men are assholes.
For the longer answer, I asked Dr. Jennie Young, author of Burn the Haystack: Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter, to weigh in on your question.
“What’s happened to you is incredibly painful, and incredibly common,” Dr. Young replied via email. “It’s happened to me too. It’s tempting to engage in some post-game analysis that might go on forever, but the truth is that you don’t even have access to the details of that game, let alone its history, and it’s better to cut your losses and move on. I know that’s easier said than done, but it’s true. Try to sit through the discomfort of not knowing, and over time that discomfort will dissipate. It’s a wacky universe, and we’re just never going to have all the answers, to anything, unfortunately. I find that oddly comforting, and I hope that you might too. Be well.”
P.S. There was a lot more to Dr. Young’s response to your question — but it was too long for a Quickies column. I will share the rest of Dr. Young’s response to your question in this week’s Struggle Session at Savage.Love!
Follow Dr. Young on Instagram @word_case_scenario.
14. I was wondering if you could do a contest to redefine “TRUMP” like you did for Rick Santorum?
Someone suggested I redefine Trump back 2016 and I declined. Not because he didn’t deserve it, but because “trump” already has an alternate (and very apt) meaning: in the U.K., a “trump” is an audible fart.
P.S. Maybe if someone took the video from of one of Trump’s insane pressers and replaced his words with the sounds of audible farts — less lip-synch, more lip-stink — the alternate meaning would catch on.
P.P.S. This early viral video — so early it went viral on VHS — helped make TV preacher Robert Tilton into a laughing stock.
15. I’m a woman who enjoys double vaginal penetration with a condom question. My primary partner and I don’t use condoms with each other, however he wears a condom when we do double vaginal with him and another man, because our rules state that “sex with someone else” is an activity that requires condoms. I have heard that when one man wears two condoms it increases the likelihood of breakage. Would it be safer for my partner not to wear a condom when we engage in vaginal DP with another man? Or is it better that they both wear one?
Putting two condoms on one dick increases the likelihood of a condom failing because they rub against each other, causing friction that could lead to tears or breakages. Seeing as a lot more condom-on-condom friction is generated when two condom-covered dicks are sliding across each other in one hole, being a stickler about condoms use when you have sex with someone else — requiring your partner to wear one too — puts you at more risk, not less. If you were getting double penetrated by two strangers, I would recommend condoms on both dicks and swapping both out for fresh ones every once in a while. But in your case, you’re safer with your partner going bare and the other dude wearing a condom.
16. Met a guy on Sniffies into no-recip oral three years ago. I’ve been swinging by his place two or three times a year ever since. He sucks me off, I kick him in the balls and tell him he’s a bad cocksucker. (He’s good at it, he just likes being degraded.) I’m seeing someone now and we’re getting serious. I’m going to see this guy one more time before having a DTR convo with my new guy. Do I tell the Sniffies guy that it’s our last time?
It would be the courteous thing to do… but it doesn’t sound like this man is really interested in being treated courteously. And if you’re only availing yourself of his services three times a year at most, I can’t imagine you’re the only guy he services. So, while your dick is sure to be missed, I don’t think he’ll be waiting in the window, tearfully wondering where you (and your dick) have gone. If he reaches out to you in a year and you’re still with your new boyfriend, you can tell him then. If you’re not with your boyfriend a year from now, you’ll most likely have resumed swinging by his place before you were missed.
17. My boyfriend of one month can’t come with a condom on. No luck with blowjobs either. He’s been single for eight years. Help!
If your boyfriend didn’t have sex for eight years — if he was single and celibate — he might’ve gotten used to his own right (or left!) hand and it’s going to take a minute for his dick to reacclimate to vaginal and oral stimulation with or without a condom. It’s only been a month! Give him a minute! And if this is how his dick works — if he needs a few strokes to get there — that means he’ll always last as long as you want him to. Superpower!
18. Is scheduled sex in a long-term relationship too much to ask?
19. My wife recently came out to me as pan and wants to open our relationship on her side only so she can explore her sexuality. This doesn’t seem equitable but I’m not sure what to say.
“No.”
P.S. Is your wife familiar with the definition of pan? If she’s attracted to people, not genders, and she gets to explore her sexuality with other people, you should get to explore your sexuality with other people, too.
20. Heading to London! Any gay bar recommendations? Dark rooms?
“London’s gay heartland has shifted out of Soho and there is now a ‘gay triangle’ in South London,” said John Thomas, a man who has lived long and hard in London. “When the weather is good, I enjoy drinks outside The Rising (Elephant & Castle) and Arch (Clapham). You can expect entertainment there too, as well as the historic and legendary RVT (Vauxhall). If it’s sex you’re looking for though, it’s probably Vault 139 (Fitzrovia) you want to go to. The sexiest club nights are run out of Electrowerkz (Angel) and Roast has a great darkroom, and Hunter a well-equipped playroom — maybe you’ll even find me there…”
For all things John Thomas — Instagram, Twitter, OnlyFans, and more — check out his LinkTree @lovejohnthomas. NSFW!
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