STRUGGLE SESSION: Blackmail Videos, Bad Seeds, Dangerous Coworkers and More!

... your JO video to your cousin, your neighbor, your co-workers, that they’d all pass the video around to your other connections? When it was going on, the “extortion” role-play was fun for her and fun for you. (You don’t mention if she asked for money or you sent it.) But be realistic. Those vids are not going to magically go viral a decade plus later. I found myself wondering — rereading Q5 in this month’s Quickies — whether this lingering fear wasn’t a lingering turn-on for the LW, seeing as he used to get off to the threat of being blackmailed. That said, sextortion is a real thing: bad actors — not adults having fun with other consenting adults online — have driven kids to suicide by threatening to release sexually explicit photos and videos they tricked kids into sending. But actual sextortionists don’t play the long game: they’re in it for the money, and they want their money now. So, it seems unlikely that an actual sextortionist would wait a dozen years before releasing these videos — and would’ve demanded something in exchange for not releasing them. Another argument against worrying about this: the LW shared those videos with a strange woman who pretended to blackmail him — someone who may have been pretending to be a woman — and his blackmailer didn’t retaliate when he went silent on her a decade ago. If there was a moment when he was at risk of being exposed, that was it. Still, if the LW has entered public life — a fact that isn’t in evidence — the existence of these videos would be a source of legitimate anxiety. If Q5 has gone into politics or he’s an actor or a professional athlete, the sudden appearance of dirty videos he made as a teenager could complicate his life. Hopefully they wouldn’t have the power to derail his career (like they derailed Simon Rex’s career), but the videos would definitely blow up online — so, the worry isn’t cousins or coworkers but TMZ and TikTok. If, again, the LW has entered public life, which he most likely hasn’t, as most people don’t. But there are definitely teenagers fucking around online right now — sharing pics and videos with strangers — who will one day enter public life. Says Red Blonde about Q13… I think this young woman will lose interest quickly and isn’t a good person, so the smart and ethical thing to do is to gently end the relationship with her mom and have nothing to do with the daughter. She’s clearly trying to hurt her mom — if she likes older men, she can find one her mom isn’t dating. Maybe the LW could have a little hot sex with this young woman and her mom would never be the wiser… but I think that’s unlikely given her lack of emotional intelligence. Oh, mom will definitely find out — her daughter will make sure of it. This woman’s daughter hits on men her mother is dating not because (or not simply because) she’s attracted to older men and her mom somehow managed to find the most irresistible older man on the planet. The daughter hit on the LW because she wants to hurt and/or humiliate her mother. This is some bad seed shit. Assuming the letter is real — and I’m guessing it is — there’s no way this doesn’t end in (psycho) drama, as drama is what this young psycho is all about. And if the LW wasn’t thinking with his dick, he would’ve realized that all by himself and not needed me (us!) to tell him so. Speaking of men thinking with their dicks: Jo-aglow, BiDanFan, Thingamajig and others thought my advice for the gay caller who was getting dominated by a skinny straight coworker was bad and possibly dangerous. RedBlonde and NoCuteName went so far as to suggest my advice was compromised by my finding the situation hot. (For the record: straight guys do nothing for me. If I wanted to be dominated by someone, I’d wanted to be dominated by this guy.) Only Dimples_and_Dumples thought my advice was good. We’ve reached back out to that caller and I’m hopefully going to have a followup conversation with him — hopefully one he’ll let me record — and I will let him know that Savage Love listeners think I should’ve told him this instead. A “go for it” from Tall Canadian about the caller who was thinking about getting into findom after being approached by a wannnabe finsub… Some years ago a guy I met on-line asked me to findom him, and since I had many of the same concerns as this caller, I declined. Later I learned that this guy lived in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in the USA and regretted my choice (I could have used the money!), but by then he had moved on. Says RedBlonde… I wish Dan had asked the [caller] on the last After Action Report why [they] liked the butt peeing. Was it the humiliation, because it seemed transgressive, or the physical sensation…? A significant oversight. I emailed that guest and shared your question with [them], RedBlonde. If [they] get back to me with a response, I’ll add it here. UPDATE: They got back to me with a response: “First, I’m nonbinary and don’t ID as a woman. 😉 Nextly! I like the feeling of enemas, and am a generalized butt-enthusiast. I think it was more about the sensation than about humiliation. And the taboo factor.” Says John via email… In the most recent episode of Savage Lovecast, while speaking with Erika Moen about sex toys, Dan lamented that there should be a media publication chronicling the history of the Magic Wand. Well, good news-there is! Check out the podcast Making Magic. I really enjoyed it. Maybe you can let your readers/listeners know about it too. Thanks so much for putting your show together every week. It’s by far my FAVORITE!  I’m honored to be a Magnum Sub. Okay, here’s the letter that came in this week that I’m not going to be able to use in the column… Long-time micro listener here. I’m getting in touch because I badly need advice on how to support my highly anxious and profoundly guilt-ridden HSV-2-positive partner through the severe distress that having herpes causes them, especially as people who would like to be practicing ENM. Both of us are bisexual and want to be able to safely hook up with other people, together and separately, and we both love the usually simple pleasure making out with people at parties (which is how we met). However, they feel that this is something they ethically cannot do, despite treating their herpes with both regular antivirals alongside another lesser known highly effective treatment called SADBE. They also rarely to never experience outbreaks (which of course if one did ever occur would mean they would abstain from any contact until it had passed). As far as my understanding of herpes and how people today are managing it goes, this two-pronged approach of self-management plus reasonable caution is plenty sufficient to not necessarily warrant disclosure before kissing on a dance floor and should alleviate any reasonable anxiety about passing it on through such contact. Of course it would be reasonable for them to disclose before sexual contact (although I do actually personally know people carrying HSV-2 who feel confident enough in not being a risk sans symptoms to not disclose it to partners before sex – this is their call of course and not something I think my partner would ever do). I’m getting in touch now because my partner recently made out with some friends at a party, and afterwards found out one friend was experiencing a post-party flu (not unusual). Upon finding this out, my partner, suspecting the worst, deteriorated into the most severe mental health crisis I’ve seen them have out of fear that they had passed on HSV-2 to them during their brief makeout session, even mentioning previous suicidal ideation they experienced over this kind of guilt. They feel they were ruined forever by being given herpes early on in their life, and can’t ever hope to have the kind of fun they want to have. I, not carrying this baggage, feel differently, and deeply want to help them break free from the guilt and pain they live with. It is hard to know how to help them given I feel their anxiety is far greater than the actual risk warrants. I also want to avoid taking on all their anxiety as it returns me to a bad place, having previously been in a badly codependent relationship in my 20s. Do you have any advice about how I can help and support my partner in a way that is sustainable and actually helpful? Thank you for reading. Wants To Help I would advise WTH to listen to my conversations with regular Lovecast guest and STI expert Dr. Ina Park  about living with (and being realistic about) herpes. If you have some advice for WTH, drop it in the comments.