Quickies

...en block them.” P.S. Running into students can’t be avoided — running them through is a choice. P.P.S. Keep screenshots of any interactions you have with students. 2. How do I stop thinking about my toxic ex? Fucking other people hasn’t helped. Let’s try a more optimistic framing: fucking other people hasn’t helped yet. Think of your ass as half full, not half empty. 3. Reading anything interesting to distract yourself from the state of the world? Just read and loved It’s Not the End of the World by Jonathan Parks-Ramage; currently reading and loving The Payback by Kashana Cauley, and preparing to re-read and re-love All Things Are Too Small: Essays in Praise of Excess by Becca Rothfeld. 4. What’s the best way to end a situationship? Ask yourself how you would want a situationship to end, and then ask yourself if you’re an outlier — if you can honestly say you would prefer to be ghosted, you’re definitely an outlier — and then, if you’re not an outlier, treat your situationship the way you would want your situationship to treat you. 5. I got into blackmailing as a kink when I was a teenager. I found someone online and gave “her” my name and compromising photos. She would threaten to make them public if I didn’t do what she told me, which was mostly send more blackmail material: JO vids in which I showed my face and my ID (driver’s license, student ID). I was 18 when it started (no laws were broken), and I’m almost 30 now. I went silent on them and stopped hearing from them a decade ago. But I worry the videos (more than a hundred) are still out there. What do I do? Grow a mustache, change your name, get a face tattoo — what can you do? P.S. Not everyone who pretends to be a monster on the Internet is actually a monster IRL. For all you know, you got lucky and found someone to blackmail you (or pretend to blackmail you) who was a fairly decent person. Seeing as they didn’t follow through on the threat to make your videos public when you went silent on them, my money is on “fairly decent person making idle threats.” P.P.S. Hard drives crash, people drop dead, democracies collapse — a lot can happen in a dozen years — and even if the person who was blackmailing you (at your request) was a malicious asshole who had it in them to destroy your life, it’s entirely possible those videos no longer exist and/or that person no longer exists. 6. Everyone I’ve ever been with has cheated on me, and now I’m not sure what to do? Adjust your expectations? 7. This extremely attractive woman married in her teens. She was a stay-at-home mom until her husband left her for a man ten years ago, totally blindsiding her. This woman has only ever had sex with her ex-husband. She’s never even performed oral sex on a man. This woman is sexually naïve and has barely dated since her divorce. As her friend —and as an older and much more experienced man— how can I best help her? By resisting the urge to do/offer what you’re thinking about doing/offering. 8. I’m a 35-year-old bi female and I recently opened my relationship with my husband. Unfortunately, I haven’t had any luck finding other partners. Our sex life kinda sucks, and my husband recently said getting me off is too much work, which really bugs me. I don’t want to get a divorce, but I also want to get laid. Any tips for navigating this situation? Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? No! Stay on the apps! Go places! Meet people! The dick is out there! 9. Under an intersectional feminist framework, the reproductive rights of trans men are protected — trans men can terminate a pregnancy — while the reproductive rights of cis men are not. Why? A pregnant trans man is allowed to escape the poverty imposed by an unwanted child, but a cis man like me is not. How is this fair? What we have here is a biological disparity that — short of forcing AFAB people to get abortions against their will (which is just as wrong as forcing AFAB people to give birth against their will) — you can’t “gotcha” your way out of playing rhetorical games. The risk of an unplanned pregnancy is a well-known one, and AMAB people who don’t wanna pay child support need to take the great Gabrielle Stanley Blair’s advice and ejaculate responsibly. P.S. You know what cis men can do that trans men can’t? Cis men can get vasectomies. 10. Top three kinky things for vanilla-but-curious people to try? Mummification, sounding, branding. P.S. Kidding, kidding. If two people are vanilla, finding new and creative ways to enjoy vanilla sex, e.g., mix up the where and when and possibly the how many, is the best way to spice things up. If one person is vanilla and the other is kinky partner, exploring the kinky partner’s actual kinks — remembering to take baby steps — is a better idea than asking a sex-advice columnist to assign kinks. P.P.S. Okay, okay: light bondage, blindfolds, and buttplugs are good kinks for the vanilla-but-curious to try. 11. My husband of fifteen years recently came out to me as nonbinary and said he wants to try dressing feminine. He told me he doesn’t want surgery or hormones — he also told me to keep using he/him pronouns for now — but when prodded, didn’t know the extent to which he’d want to present as feminine. We both know and love queer people, but I am straight. I can handle androgyny, but I am turned off by the idea of him in full drag and I do not want a wife. How can I handle my own fears while still being a supportive partner? Your sexual orientation is just as valid as your partner’s evolving gender identity. For now, avoid catastrophizing: while your husband might be telling you what you wanna hear — no hormones, no surgeries, no transition — it’s also possible he’s being straight with you, and nonbinary is where he’s going to land. If that should change, you can re-evaluate your options — and your marriage — at a later date. P.S. If you want kids and don’t have any already, you might wanna put that decision off for a bit. 12. How do I bring up the topic of ED with a new partner who’s clearly having trouble with his [eggplant emoji]? Initiate sex that doesn’t require your new partner’s [eggplant emoji] to get and stay hard — mutual masturbation, him going down on you, vibrators and sex toys — and then, after you’ve shown him that you can have good-to-great sex even if he can’t get/stay hard, broach the subject of ED meds. 13. I’m a 60-year-old male. I’ve been on a few dates with a woman my own age. Haven’t had sex or even discussed it. Her gorgeous, funny, smart, and well-educated 21-year-old daughter recently told me she likes older men and is attracted to me. What do I do? I would love to have sex with the daughter, but I don’t want to leave a messy trail. I’ve never been in this situation. I wouldn’t have any relationship with the mom if this were to happen. I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong. P.S. Does anyone know why they canceled Why Women Kill? I really miss that show. 14. I’m a cis woman in my early 30s. If I have a really good orgasm, I laugh hysterically afterwards. Is that something I should warn future partners about in advance? This is a tricky one. If you tell someone you laugh hysterically after you have a really good orgasm and then you don’t laugh hysterically, they’re gonna think — they’re gonna know — that you didn’t have a really good orgasm. Just as some women fake orgasms to avoid a meltdown, you might find yourself faking orgasms and laughing fits to spare the ego of an insecure male partner. So, I think you’re better off explaining afterwards than warning in advance. 15. My wife is bi, and we’re going to have a threesome with another woman. Sign me up! I am also bisexual and would like to have a threesome with another man. She says that will never happen because it wouldn’t turn her on to see me with another man. Is this a double standard? Yes. 16. My wife and I recently bought a realistic dildo and use it to simulate double vaginal penetration … well, I guess we aren’t simulating it, we’re doing it. Just with a dildo. You know what I mean. Anyway. Here’s the issue: We use lube, of course, so it will slide in easily, but all the lube makes the silicone cock difficult to hold onto and keep in her. So, we end up really having to grip it hard, so it doesn’t pop out, but that kinda kills the mood/breaks the fantasy. Any ideas? Go to Oxballs.com, click on shop, click on “cocksheaths,” click on “PENETRATOR slim DP strap-on.” You’re welcome. 17. My wife came out as asexual a decade into our marriage. I’m being as loving and supportive as I can be, but I truly miss blowjobs. We are monogamous, and she wants us to stay that way. What now? Your wife can show her support for your sexual orientation — just as you’ve shown support for hers — by releasing you from the monogamous commitment you made to her at a different time (blowjob time) and in a different context (blowjob context). If she won’t do that, you’ll have to pick between leaving or cheating. P.P.S. You can love, support, and leave someone. P.P.S. Not all asexual people are averse to sexual activity — some asexuals genuinely enjoy sex because it makes their partners happy. But if your wife is a sex-averse asexual, she can’t expect you to go without sex for the rest of your life because she didn’t realize she was ace until after the wedding. 18. How many sexual partners is too many? “Enough is as good as a feast.” — Mary Poppins. 19. Why are straight men obsessed with squirting? I’m obsessed with everything dicks can do — being a gay man — and I don’t see why straight men wouldn’t be similarly obsessed with everything pussies can do. No one should pressure their partner and/or make their partner feel like they’re defective if they can’t do something and/or don’t enjoy doing something. But seeing as some women squirt, isn’t it a good thing that some straight men (surely not all) are obsessed with squirting? 20. My wife never compliments my appearance. I tell her she’s sexy all the time. When I ask her about it, she says, “Straight men don’t need to hear that shit.” I take care of myself and do want to “hear that shit.”  Join a gym, get jacked, post thirst traps, and you’ll hear that shit all the time — from gay men who don’t pose a threat to your marriage. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! To get all of Savage Love — and the Magnum Savage Lovecast and invites to Savage Love Live — become one of Dan’s subs at savage.love/subscribe.