Quickies

... for gay men who are sick of Mark Zuckerberg’s puritanical bullshit and don’t wanna be associated with Elon Musk’s fascistic bullshit. 3. Why do gay women love watching porn with gay men? I do. I’m not alone either. Why? Julianne Moore explained it best in The Kids Are Alright. 4. Have you heard the term “sparkle straight”? Straight men who hung out with gay men — and seemed a little faggy themselves — used to be called “fruit flies.” But “fag hags” and “fruit flies” were considered derogatory, and they’ve been phased out in favor of the less interesting but more inclusive (and gender-neutral) “sparkle straight.” 5. My spouse has short hair, which I love. I am the one straight man who likes short hair. The issue is that I love to pull her hair during doggy style intercourse. She also loves to have her hair pulled in this position. The issue is that it’s hard to get a grip on her short hair. Are any clamp-on hair extensions that will stay securely in place while I’m giving them a strong tug? If your spouse doesn’t wanna grow her hair out — and liking to have your hair pulled in your favorite sex position seems like a huge incentive to me — she could get a weave. But weaves, as we’ve all seen on our favorite reality TV programs, can be yanked off someone’s head pretty easily. So, maybe you should go with a nice head harness instead? 6. How do I make more precum? Keep your bulbourethral glands well-hydrated, take supplements that promise to increase the amount of precum for their benefits and/or their placebo effects (which, when they occur, are actually beneficial), and hope for the best. 7. My male partner has an outie butthole. He doesn’t like to talk about it but wants to engage in butt play. I let him know I haven’t seen one like his before and could use some guidance on what to do or not to do, but he doesn’t know either. Any suggestions? “When people say, ‘outie butthole,’ they’re usually describing hemorrhoids that prolapse — come in and out — or extra skin stretched from chronic hemorrhoids,” said Dr. Evan Goldstein, a proctologist, anal sex and health expert, and the founder and CEO of Bespoke Surgical. “The most important thing is whether it causes symptoms — pain, bleeding, or problems with bowel movements. If it doesn’t, there’s no reason to avoid anal play. Use plenty of lube (preferably silicone), start slow, and consider using quality anal dilators to help the body adjust comfortably. If irritation or swelling becomes an issue, it’s worth seeing a sexual health specialist for treatment options. My practice is always available for telemedicine sessions, and in-person evaluations and management. Honestly, many people start by sending me ‘outie hole’ pics to figure out the best next steps via Instagram.” You can follow Dr. Goldstein on Instagram — and send him your outie pics — @drevangoldstein. 8. How do I know if I’m ready for a threesome? Picture your partner fucking the shit out of someone else — right in front of you — the same way they fucked the shit out of you when you first met. Picture your partner desperately swallowing another person’s tongue, picture your partner eating some other person out like they haven’t had a meal in weeks. If those pictures turn you on, you’re ready. If those pictures do nothing for you, you’re not ready. If those pictures enrage you, you’ll never be ready. 9. Sex life with new partner is completely unsatisfactory. How do I tell them? You’ve hesitated to tell your new partner the sex is bad because you’re worried about derailing the relationship. But you’re not going to wanna stay in this relationship — you’re not going to wanna fuck this person for the rest of your life — if the sex doesn’t improve. So, you have nothing to lose by telling your new partner that the sex isn’t working for you. Right now, your partner is guessing at what you want and they’re guessing wrong. If you tell them what you need and what you want, they won’t have to guess and you might actually get what you need and want. 10. How do I get over my partner talking to other women while being okay with trying ENM? If the thought of your partner talking with other women is upsetting — if you can’t picture your partner talking with other women without getting upset — you’re definitely not ready for ENM. 11. What do I say to be more vocal as a very shy girl in bed? Here are my trademarked tips for dirty talk beginners: Tell ’em what you’re gonna do (“I’m going to fuck the shit out of you”), tell ’em what you’re doing (“I am fucking the shit out of you”), tell ’em what you did (“I fucked the shit out of you”). People get self-conscious about dirty talk because they think they need to spin out some elaborate fantasy. You don’t have to pull A Song of Ice and Fire out of your ass. Simple statements of fact are all you need. 12. Is it weird to have sex with your dog watching? Not if, like us, your dogs were required to sign NDAs. 13. Should I send my college-aged, adult children Magnum Subscriptions to the Savage Lovecast? A responsible parent would. 14. Best sites for newbies to get into online sex work? I’m up for selling used panties, no photos or camming. Very few people are interested in buying used panties or sweaty jock straps from someone they haven’t seen. So, if you’re not willing to post photos or do cam work, there’s not going to be much of a market for your panties. 15. My boyfriend wants to stop using condoms because we’re monogamous and I should trust him. Thing is, I don’t trust him. DTMFA. 16. My girlfriend and I love mutual masturbation. Is it cheating if we livestream a session for strangers? We wouldn’t show our faces. If you don’t think it’s cheating… and your girlfriend doesn’t… then it’s not cheating whether your faces can be seen or not. But I have a hunch your girlfriend thinks it’s cheating (or an unacceptable “soft” opening of your relationship) because if you were on the same page — if you were in agreement that it wasn’t cheating — you’d be livestreaming a mutual masturbation session right now and not sending an email to a sex-advice columnist. 17. A guy I know in real life — a guy I am not interested in — keeps trying to connect with me on the apps. I’ve blocked him on Scruff, but he just creates new profiles. More frustrating, he’ll use anonymous profiles on Sniffies to message me, pretending to be someone else. I’ve tried discussing it with him in person, but he refuses to talk about it. It’s annoying, but not to the point where legal action seems warranted. Is there anything I can do? If you can get this asshole’s address, you could send him a registered letter telling him to stop contacting you. If he continues to contact you after he’s been told not to, you can take him to court — along with a copy of that letter and printouts from your accounts on Scruff and Sniffies — and try to get a restraining order against him. But it’ll cost a fortune, it might not work, and your profiles on Scruff, Sniffies, Grindr, etc., will become public record. My advice: keep blocking him and hope he finds someone else to obsess over. 18. I’m a 34-year-old woman, married for the last seven years. Lately, I’ve lost all interest in sex. My husband still initiates it, but I decline—and I can see him getting discouraged. I love him, I’m still attracted to him, but how do I fix this aspect? Help! “Our personal interest in sex is based on the amount of reward we get from it,” said Hannah Johnson, a sex educator and coach who specializes in helping women in relationships increase libido and enjoy sex. “If you’re not interested in it anymore, it’s because it’s not rewarding enough for you to want it. Ask yourself, ‘What would need to happen in sex to make it worth doing over everything else?’” Hannah “The Libido Fairy” Johnson shares her educational content on Instagram (where she’s closing in on 500K followers!) and YouTube. Her website is www.libidofairy.com. 19. My partner wants me to spit in his mouth during sex. It grosses me out. Help me get over it. Your partner is already spitting in your mouth — assuming you make out with him during sex — it’s just that he’s spitting into your mouth very, very slowly. Keeping that in mind might help you get over the disgust you feel when he wants to spit in your mouth very, very quickly. 20. I want to lick my boyfriend’s cum up off the floor while he towers over me in his boots. Fine with me — hell, make a video and submit it to HUMP! Now check with your boyfriend about your plan, if you haven’t already, and report back. 21. Stuck in a sexless marriage — you’ve heard it all before — but just kissing and licking a woman’s feet (and masturbating) counts as sex for me. Even if my wife and I were having sex, there would be no risk to her. I feel like I need permission from someone to go and do this. You have my permission — which isn’t going to save your ass if your wife finds out and gets angry (which she might not; she might not care), but you have my permission. 22. Do women ever like dick pics? Very few women like dick pics. So, you should only send dick pics to women who have expressed an interest in receiving your dick pics. And don’t assume a woman who has received your dick in person — and has expressed interest in receiving your dick in her person again — would enjoy receiving your dick pics. If you wanna share your dick pics and you can’t find a woman who wants to receive them, you can share your dick pics on Reddit. 23. I’m into wearing diapers during sex, but I’m not into the whole “adult baby” thing. How do I explain this to partners without sounding like I’m hiding something? It’s not that hard to explain: while all adult babies are diaper lovers, not all diaper lovers are adult babies. And I don’t know about anyone else, but when someone tells me they’re into diapers, I assume they’re not hiding something… because if they were going to hide something, it would be that. 24. Is sharing anal toys something we should avoid? How to do it correctly and safely?  You can share anal toys so long as you’ve cleaned them between uses; you can also use condoms with anal toys and put a new condom on before shoving that toy into a new hole. 25. I’m mostly gay but I have a robust fetish for women’s feet. Am I crazy? You’re complicated and you’re gonna be hard for one man to please — unless you can find a man with lady feet — but I can’t say you’re crazy based on this one fact about you alone. 26. I recently started talking to someone I like, but I’m feeling anxious and unsure about moving forward. There have been early conversations about serious topics like marriage and immigration/green card processes, and I’m worried about pacing, trust, and intentions. How can I navigate this situation carefully, protect my boundaries, and get to know someone who lives in another country without getting overwhelmed? Don’t make any moves until you’ve watched every episode of all eleven seasons of 90 Day Fiancé and then watched all eleven billion episodes of its twenty spinoffs. 27. I’m interested in learning more about anal techniques that my boyfriend might enjoy. He has expressed interest but has not described what he specifically wants done to him. I have some ideas, but I would love to have a man’s perspective on how to proceed. Here’s my perspective: If your man can’t tell you what he wants done to his ass… if he can’t use his words… then you shouldn’t do anything to his ass. Just as there’s no crying in baseball, there’s no guessing in ass play. 28. Is it possible to have a strong oral fixation for giving BJs to men while not being attracted to men at all? It’s 2025 — anything is possible and nothing makes sense. 29. I recently broke up with my girlfriend in LA. She’s queer, I’m not. We were monogamous, but she wanted to attend these pool parties for lesbian singles. Am I an uptight insecure and intolerant straight guy? Or do I have a right to my boundaries? You did your ex-girlfriend a favor when you ended this relationship — not because you’re insecure or intolerant (although you could be both of those things), but because you weren’t right for each other. Like most people who want monogamy, you don’t like the idea of your partner attending speed dating events. If your partner needs to attend pool parties for lesbian singles to feel connected to the queer community, then she either needs a boyfriend who’s comfortable her swimming in available pussy or a girlfriend who wants to go swimming with her. 30. Do people eventually delete other people’s nudes after seeing them? Whatever you need to tell yourself to sleep at night. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Become Dan’s Sub at savage.love/subscribe.