STRUGGLE SESSION: Dan Makes a Mistake, NoCuteName Makes a Suggestion, Sex Researcher Makes a Request… and More!

...s, online mobs, and early Twitter pile-ons. One chapter focuses on a British public figure — Max Mosley — who was outed by a tabloid for participating in extreme/taboo BDSM session that included what appeared to be (and was presented to the public as) Nazi themes/uniforms. Turns out, I misremembered a very important detail. Says Alasdair via email… Errrrm…. Max Mosley is not Jewish. And by “is” I mean “was,” of course. It was a daddy issues thing. CommentVirgin… I haven’t read Ronson’s chapter on Max Mosley, Dan, so this is not a comment on Mosley’s treatment in there, but I did think it worth clarifying Mosley was definitively not Jewish. Rather, he was the son of Oswald Mosley, literally the leader of the British Union of Fascists who marched on the East End of London to intimidate its Jewish residents (look up the Battle of Cable Street). So, I’m not sure he’s a model victim of kink shaming but interested in your thoughts. Nic in Seattle — via email — goes deeper… Max Moseley is not just some dude who has a kink about having sex in a Nazi uniform. He is (or at least was, he died in 2021) the son of the notorious British aristocrat and fascist Lord Oswald Moseley, who tried to win over fascist supporters all over Britain in advance of WW2 and was imprisoned during the war as he unequivocally supported Hitler.  Max was an avid supporter of his father’s post-war racist ultra right-wing party until later when he wanted to be a little more respectable and became a Conservative and then a Tony Blair supporter (another form of conservative). So while Max may have been right not to be shamed about his kinks, I think that the fascism probably should have caused him an ounce of shame. Okay, everyone needs to read Jon Ronson’s book (and listen to his amazing podcast and read his other books); I clearly should’ve re-read So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed (or at least the chapter on Mosley) before bringing him up. At the time Mosley repudiated his father’s fascistic politics and his anti-semitism, no one could know if he was sincere — we do not have windows into men’s souls — and now we can never know, seeing as Mosley died in 2021. (His reaction to our current political moment would be the tell.) I read all about Mosley when his case was in the news, and then again when I read So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed. Some faulty synapse in my brain seems to have lumped Mosley in with Nazi stories, role play, and regalia enjoyed by some (very few, but some) Jewish people. ‘ I apologize for the error — and, yes, actual fascists should be ashamed of themselves and I’m looking forward to the day when American fascists are locked up like Mosley’s father was. ‘ That said, based on my quick (and shame-faced) re-reading of the chapter on Mosley in So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, I think Mosley remains a good-if-deeply flawed (and not at all Jewish) role model for victims of public kink-shaming campaigns. Mosley sued the tabloid that outed him for his private sexual conduct — behaviors he argued in court had no public relevance — and said this in open court to the judge who was hearing his case: “It’s not a surprise to me or to others who don’t live in an ivory tower or a monastery, or, I am sure, to your lordship, to learn that quite a lot of people, men and women, have a fascinated interest in this sort of thing.” (This sort of thing being BDSM, sex dungeons, and fucked up role play games.) ‘ Mosley won his lawsuit — which he wouldn’t have brought, as he told Ronson, if he had allowed himself to be ashamed. Despite the person his father was (and despite the person Max Mosley was in his youth and may still have been at the time of his death), I think his refusal to, as he put it, participate in his own shaming by being being ashamed remains a good model for other kinksters who are feeling or being shamed. It’s particularly important for kinksters to be not ashamed when prominent influencers on the right are making calls to bring back kink shaming. ‘ Zooming out for a second… ‘ Seems to me that normalizing kink — which so many sex-positive people have sought to do — robs kink of its transgressive power. And it seems to me that re-stigmatize kink — which more and more rightwingers are attempting to do — restores the transgressive power of kink. So, who is the true enemy of kink: The normalizers or the stigmatizers? Feel free to discuss in comments. ‘ One more comment about my response to that caller came via email… The main part of your advice regarding the situation created by 80-year-old father being scammed by a findom (Episode 983) was on the mark. That is, get your parents to legal and financial advice, now. Your pooh-poohing counseling was, however, obtuse. That couple probably really needs help now dealing with the emotional crisis they are undoubtedly experiencing. I don’t think, as the son does, their primary need is working on their communication; I think their primary need is dealing with current emotional pain and chaos.  Communication work, et al., can come later and in conjunction. This would be true no matter what the ages of the couple. It is in the age factor that you really went off the rails. I will be 84 in exactly one month, and I can verify that people are alive until they are dead and that they may need emotional support and assistance for as long as they are alive. No one knows how long any of us or our partners will live, and we need to optimize the quality of our lives in the present and for whatever future we have, no matter how limited or uncertain that future may be. The question from a diaper lover who isn’t into adult baby play NoCuteName … LW23 mystifies me. Why would someone be “into wearing diapers during sex” but not be into the whole pretending-to-be-a-baby thing? Diapers get in the way, and they’re not a sexually-coded article of attire. Is it the feeling — the softness of the fabric — that the LW likes? If so, perhaps they could just lie down on a very soft blanket or wrap themself up in it. It’s not that hard to understand: some people are into adult baby age play — but some people ain’t me — and wearing diapers is a big part of thrill. Diapers are affirming for an adult baby; they make them feel more like the baby they get off on pretending to be. And some people — again — get off on being put into diapers because they find being diapered deeply humiliating; diapers don’t affirm them as (pretend) babies, they degrade them as (actual) adults. Another comment from NoCuteName… LW11: An issue with Dan’s recipe for dirty talk is that he includes, “I fucked the shit out of you.” Presumably, this would be said after sex, during his “post-nut clarity” refractory period. So what good does it do then? Unless the pair is trying to go for an immediate round two, anything said post-orgasm is going to be at the most, after-glowy. Also, I realize it’s possible for a woman to run the fuck, but it occurs to me that any woman who is uncomfortable talking dirty, is unlikely to be one who enjoys topping in any way, or who is pegging. “I’m fucking the shit out of you” sounds to me like something the person with the penis or the person who’s doing the thrusting would say — it doesn’t read like a one-size-fits-all comment. “Fuck” isn’t meant to be a one-size-fits-all and/or proscriptive recommendation about an activity. Rather, “fuck” is a place-holder for all the different things a person might do when “fucking” in the broadest possible sense of the term. While “fuck” is commonly used to invoke PIV/PIB, “fuck” is also used as a general term encompassing all forms of sexual behavior. So, the “fuck” in “I”m going to fuck you” can be swapped out — as needed — in favor of “blow,” “tease,” “edge,” “rim,” “ride,” “eat,” “swallow,” “tie up,” “spank,” and, yes, even “diaper.” My dirty-talk-for-beginners advice is basically “tell ’em what you’re about to do, tell ’em what you’re doing, tell ’em what you did,” and since not all sexual activities end with orgasm — very few people climax just from being diapered — you and/or your partner won’t always be in the after-glow/refractory period stage when you tell them what you did. To her credit (she’s not a superstar commenter for nothing!), NoCuteName didn’t just bring the pain — she didn’t just criticize my advice — she also offered some excellent advice of her own. NoCuteName’s short lists of things a “very shy girl” can say in bed can be found here and here. Alex has some great additional advice for LW24, who wanted to know how to “correctly and safely” share anal toys… Choose toys that are made with nonporous materials (don’t get them on Amazon! Most of them are low quality materials that can be unhygienic at best and toxic at worst): think medical grade silicon, glass or metal. If the toy is good quality and doesn’t have a motor, you can often sterilize them in the dishwasher or boil them. I use a UV sterilizer, which is gentler to toys with motors. BiDanFan has some advice for LW28… Sounds like trans women are your target market. Or cis women who are happy to let you suck their strap-ons. Or glory holes? Or all of the above? In a perfect world LW28 would have a cis GF who’s up for tag-teaming him with a trans woman — or a trans GF who’s up for tag-teaming him with cis and trans women — and his GF would be cool with him visiting glory holes after he stocked up on doxy. (Feels weird to link to a CDC info page.) Dori asks on Instagram… LW8: What if it — seeing my partner with another person — turns me on and enrages me? You may not be ready for a threesome — which is what the question was about — but you’re almost ready to be cuckolded. LW22 wanted to know if women ever like dick pics. I allowed the existence of one or two women who like dick pics, but they’re so few in number that sending a dick pic to a woman who hasn’t asked to see your dick pic is always a mistake. Says Sue on Instagram… Thank you. Men who think the average woman likes dick pics obviously don’t understand women at all — and with a guy like that, any sex will be all about his dick. Calling all BDSM practitioners… Magnum Sub and huge fan writing in because my BF is working on a PhD in psychology and his dissertation is focused on examining the potential mental health benefits of BDSM, but he needs enough BDSM practitioners to fill out his anonymous online survey and I said your subs and audience would be a great group ask. Will you help support his sex-and-kink positive research into BDSM and put his survey out there for the subs to see? Please? Please?? Please??? Here is his very neutral and boring statement about his very cool research: “I am a doctoral student at the Alliant International University, Los Angeles. I am currently conducting a study on the potential psychosocial benefits of BDSM activities. BDSM participants over 18 years old and who live in the U.S. are now being recruited for the purposes of this study. If you wish to be a part of this study, you may participate online here until the end of December 2025.” Lots of love to you, Nancy, and the Tech Savvy at Risk Youth! Happy to help and good luck to your BF as he works on his PhD! And speaking of PhDs… Hey Dan and team! I just finished my PhD, wanted to say thanks for being a very entertaining and educating soundtrack for MANY MANY hours in the lab! — The Kinky Physicist Congrats on finishing your PhD, TKP, that’s huge. I’m happy the Lovecast helped make your time in the lab a little more fun! Okay, here’s this week’s question that won’t be making it into the column — because it’s way too long — but this LW is in crisis and could really use some advice… I am an open-minded cis woman in her late 30s that is currently married to a gender non-conforming pansexual. I say “currently” because the man I married 10+ years ago presented himself to me (and the rest of the world) as a straight cis male. It’s been hard for me to even excavate the question I want to ask, and I’m going to articulate it as best I can, so here it goes: Is it possible to love and support your spouse who is questioning their gender identity and sexuality after infidelity has occurred and while concurrently trying to rebuild trust and repair the marriage?  That was a complex and long winded question, I know. But I am being asked to stay in the relationship and continue to play the role of wife (and support system) while my husband embarks on a journey of self discovery. I am having a hard time holding space for myself, for him and for our marriage all at the same time. I would love any feedback you or your readers have on whether this is an impossible feat. We haven’t been able to get feedback outside of our two therapists because this is all in the closet still. TLDR version: Our relationship was happy and healthy for many years, but sometime around 2021 we began to fight and eventually stopped having sex. All this happened during a period which felt like a classic “mid life crisis” for my husband. (Overspending, impulsive/risky behavior, phone addiction, etc.) He wanted to have sex with me but I shut it down because I felt I wasn’t being respected and cared for in the way I needed to be. (I identify as demisexual.) Fast forward to 2023 when he then cheated on me with two cross-dressing men and one trans woman He lied but came clean when I produced smoking gun evidence. Fast forward to the current moment: We are in couples therapy — he is in personal therapy — and he recently learned that he is neurodivergent. For the first time ever, he says, he is being open and honest with himself, with me, and with his therapist. He claims he has always known that he is bisexual but he just recently started questioning his gender identity. He has begun dipping his toe in the water by wearing women’s underwear, buying toys adjacent to femboy and transporn, and has started shaving off body hair and losing weight. We have agreed to no permanent body changes without my consent, and we occasionally let some of the outfits and toys into the bedroom but his dildos and some other toys are only for his solo masturbation sessions, as they are a turn-off for me. The problem is, I am still recovering from the trauma of his cheating and lies and I feel like it’s too much too soon. When I ask to slow things down — please don’t shave your legs or please don’t wear the pink frilly underwear in front of me — I am met with anger and resentment. I ultimately don’t see an avenue in which my spouse can hold space for me and work towards rebuilding the trust and repairing our marriage when he is so focused inward and making sure his explorations and needs are met.  While we have been in couples therapy, from my perspective, his focus hasn’t been on me or the marriage at all, it’s been solely on himself and making sure that he figures out what he needs to live a happy and authentic life. (And he still doesn’t know what that looks like.) While I think that exploration is super important for someone who is gender questioning, it at times feels like a lot to ask your partner to continue playing the role of wife and security blanket and support system — to remain the same solid rock foundation you rely on — while you get to experiment and change. It all feels especially heavy given the previous lies and infidelity. I wonder if the marriage needs to open up? Perhaps I should be given the freedom to explore dating other people and my pursuing my own desires?  As far as I’m concerned our old marriage is dead. Yet he claims he would be devastated if I divorced him because he loves me, he says we are, “meant to be,” and that he’d, “never be able to find anyone else like me.” But ultimately I wonder if he knows what true love is — or if he just likes having me around solely for his own comfort and security. The sad reality is he unintentionally provides the opposite for me: anxiety and insecurity. That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship, does it? What actions or boundaries need to be set to ensure the focus isn’t entirely on his self-exploration all the time, Dan, but also on me and the marriage? What actions need to be taken to assure my own comfort and security?  Some other thoughts and questions I’ve had recently: Is there a way for him to explore while remaining transparent about his feelings, desires and intentions without forcing it upon me? I don’t necessarily love the fact that he has started shaving his thighs and I’ve asked him to stop and he didn’t listen. While I am open minded and consider myself a rock n’ roller at heart — one that thinks it’s hot when a man sometimes dresses in drag, especially on a stage (I think it exudes a cool confidence) — what my partner is doing feels different. It doesn’t exude, “I’m a confident gender-non-conforming dude so confident in my own skin that I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about me.” Just the opposite: It feels highly emotional and fragile. He also claims he’s still very attracted to me (which I believe) and feels closer to me than anyone else in the world. While I do feel we are closer than ever, I am ridden with fear that the cheating will happen again and that my husband will turn into a beautiful butterfly and either fly away or stay and expect me to still be attracted to him, which I very much doubt I will be. He has said that historically he has always chosen to be with women over men because he never felt the desire to be with a man romantically or domestically — that his affairs were just about sex with men. And that even when he cheated on me, he was not looking for love or a replacement for me. He says it was a combination of novelty/thrill-seeking behavior and “trying to figure himself out.” And what he figured out was that he wanted to be the feminine bottom cross-dresser. He desperately wants our marriage to survive, and I am giving it a chance because for the first time ever he is being introspective, open, and working on himself. I have experience being single for years at a time and coupled for years at a time and I know both can be extremely hard. So, I’m not willing to let a difficult situation completely destroy a life and a marriage I’ve built with somebody. But at the same time the trust was broken and I don’t see how we can possibly rebuild the trust and security I previously felt in our marriage while my spouse focuses on his own personal journey of self-discovery. I will end by saying he wonders at times if he is just being a hypochondriac, if this isn’t just a fetish or an obsession, or if he is an actual “egg” about to crack. He claims he loves his dick and currently can’t imagine getting any kind of surgery or taking hormones. He does have a history of constantly trying to self-diagnose his psychological and physical problems. And being neurodivergent on top of all that, it’s hard to know if this is just his latest obsession or if it’s something more. I would hate for him to move full speed ahead and potentially destroy relationships with family (they are conservative) and end up in divorced only to realize it was just a phase or his ADHD. It feels like I want to help him and protect him and have some space away from him all at the same time. Send Help Or Recommendations Today Got some advice for SHORT? Drop it in the comments…