Quickies!

... It could mean she’s his wife in name only… or it could mean he wants you to believe she’s his wife in name only… but it doesn’t mean his marriage is open or that this woman’s “husband” can be trusted. 3. I am sexually active at 87. I can’t find any gay men in Olympia, Washington, where I live. Where is a good place to start? Music mogul David Geffen was in his eighties when he met his husband David Armstrong on seekingarrangements.com (“the premier dating site for success-minded singles”) two years ago. Geffen and Armstrong are now getting divorced. Armistead Maupin was in his seventies when he met his husband Christopher Turner on daddyhunt.com (“where you never have to lie about your age to meet other men”) eleven years ago. Armistead and Christopher are still together. So. 4. I’m married to the woman I gave my virginity to. After decades together, we have decided to experience others to spread joy in this dark world. Is there a term for someone who is not a virgin, because they’ve had sex thousands of times, but they’ve only ever had sex with one person? If there isn’t a term for someone like me, can I propose “monogamy virgin”? A “monogamy virgin” sounds like someone who’s had sex with thousands of people but has never made a monogamous commitment to anyone. So, your proposed term isn’t going to work — and even if I could pull a better term to describe you out of my ass, years could go by before it came into wide enough use to do you any good. And we need you spreading the joy right now, not ten years from now! 5. Cis 28-year-old female from somewhere in the desert. My question is this: Do you have to be attracted physically to someone to be in a BDSM relationship? Specifically, a Dom/sub relationship? Blindfolds are your friend! P.S. A good blindfold can help you enjoy a BDSM play session with a Dom you aren’t into physically, but a relationship — a non-companionate one — will require some spark of physical attraction. That said, lots of people wind up with partners they weren’t physically attracted to at first because they had other things in common — and a shared interest in BDSM is an important commonality, one you might be able to build on. 6. Any clever tricks for avoiding Cialis side effects like headache/congestion? Flonase is your friend! 7. No question! Thank you! No answer? You’re welcome? 8. Queer, non-binary AFAB person here. Why am I obsessed with m/m erotica? It’s so fucking hot OMG. My first thought — the quickie response that leapt to mind — would get me in trouble if I were to share it. (And like a lot of first thoughts, it might not be the right one!) So, I’ll share my more considered second and third thoughts instead: If you’re into men/males/AMAB persons, you might enjoy m/m erotica for the same reason so many cishet men enjoy w/w erotica, e.g. more of what you came for. Additionally, m/m erotica — which is mostly created by and for AFAB persons (women, cis and trans, binary and non, etc.) — allows you to enjoy male sexual aggression without feeling complicit in the sexual objectification of women. In short, some find it easier to enjoy boys being boys when boys doing boys. On the Lovecast:Will a newly out femme lesbian cut her nails? Have a listen to this week’s episode. 9. I’m a 40-year-old single woman ready to be a mother. I don’t want to pay for jizz and the two friends I asked live abroad and don’t want to make a kid they can’t be present for. So, I posted on Feeld and now I’m drowning in free jizz! Men are literally lining up. Meeting a male life partner has been hard. Existentially and practically, what do you think about all this? The clock is ticking! “It’s painful to pay for sperm after a life of fending it off,” said Diana Adams, Esq., executive director of the Chosen Family Law Center. “But going with sperm off apps runs the risk in these conservative times of the donor being declared a dad who has parental rights. Only choose someone responsible and reliable enough to sign a Known Donor Agreement drafted by a lawyer in your state — that’s only a few thousand dollars well-spent to protect you and your child.” Follow Diana Adams on Instagram @DianaAdamsEsq. 10. I have a crush on a friend and I’m not sure they’re interested in me. Do I say something and risk the awkwardness? Or is it not worth it? “If they’re into you, you’ll know. If they’re not, you’ll be confused.” That quote gets passed around a lot — I’ve seen it all over social media — and I’m not sure who said it first, so don’t know who to “credit.” While it gets a lot of clap emojis wherever its posted, I think it’s lousy advice. It may be true that confusing signals usually indicate disinterest, but you never know. P.S. I recently ran into a guy I had a crush on when he was a waiter at one of my favorite restaurants. As it turns out, he had a crush on me. But I was giving off confusing signals (I didn’t wanna creep on a pretty waiter, so I was reserved) and he was giving off confusing signals (he didn’t wanna hit on a customer, so he was businesslike). Neither of us were willing to risk a moment’s awkwardness, both of us missed out on dick. There wasn’t a friendship at stake, I realize, just a hot waiter, but now I wish I’d done more than tip 30%. 11. Confession: I’ve been giving blowjobs to a friend’s boyfriend. She’s just a friend, not my best friend. I feel bad but don’t want to stop. I wish there was some detail that made me feel better — I asked if their relationship is sexless (it’s not), I asked if she gives him blowjobs (she does), I asked if they’re open (they’re not) — but he’s got the most beautiful cock I’ve ever seen. Can I still think of myself as a good person? Does it make any difference that I’m gay and I might be meeting a need of my friend can’t? Are you good? No. Are you giving? Yes. P.S. “But the dick was amazing” doesn’t win you a “Get Out of Shitty Friend Jail Free” card. 12. Is there such a thing as a hetero leather daddy with no misogynistic tendencies? Is there such a thing as a homosexual leather daddy with no homophobic tendencies? P.S. A lot of internalized homophobia gets externalized and purged when gay men engage in D/s sex play. But both men involved are victims of homophobia, and homophobia is consciously invoked and subtly mocked. I could see straight men into D/s sex not being as consciously aware of their misogyny and reinforcing misogyny through play rather than mocking or purging it. That said, there have to be some hetero leather daddies out there with no misogynistic tendencies. Just because you haven’t met one yet doesn’t mean they don’t exist. 13. Which would you choose: a man in uniform or a man in a finely tailored suit? If I had to choose, I’d choose a man in uniform over a man in a suit every single time. 14. Any secrets for dry mouth when it’s time to give sloppy head? Keep some of those Del Monte fruit cups in the fridge — the kind with the alarmingly red cherries in them — and have a quick sip of the syrup before you begin. 15. Why are we obsessed with big things? Big tits, big dicks, big butts, big balls? The big things you cite are markers of fertility and/or the kind of primary and secondary sex characteristics that light up our reptile brains. We are not obsessed with big things generally — no one is into big earlobes, big kneecaps, big foreheads, etc. (I mean, big earlobes exist, as does Rule 34, which means there’s probably someone out there jacking off to big earlobe porn right now. Still, my point stands.) 16. We enjoy sex in public places — we’ve done it in a hospital, a club, offices, hotel pool, highway overpass — but don’t want to get caught by security cameras. No one looks at security camera footage unless a crime has been committed and reported — so, if you’re careful not to commit any crimes yourself (or any additional crimes) and don’t have sex where other people are committing crimes, it’s unlikely that anyone will review the security camera footage you’re almost certainly been caught on already. Have fun out there! 17. Are men worth marrying? I married my husband twice and would marry my boyfriend once or twice if I could, so you can count me as a yes. 18. Is a bulldyke topping gay men a kink? If you’re jacking off to porn featuring bulldykes topping gay men and you’re neither a bulldyke nor a gay man, you have a kink. But if you’re a bulldyke topping a gay man… or a gay man being topped by a bulldyke… you’re proof that the horseshoe theory doesn’t just apply to politics: a person — two people — can be so queer they wind up having what looks an awful lot like (but arguably isn’t) straight sex. 19. I’m a 35-year-old cis het woman with vaginismus. I’ve only had one PIV partner. We made it work, but it was challenging and years ago. Since then, I’ve only been with one person, and he couldn’t have PIV for religious reasons, so it wasn’t an issue. I’ve met someone new and will need to broach the subject. Do you have any advice on how and when to talk about it? And any advice for treatment would also be great. I have dilators. I don’t have resources for a sex therapist. “Dilators are a great start,” said Dr. Rachel Gelman, a pelvic floor physical therapist and the founder of Pelvic Wellness. “But I strongly recommend consulting with a pelvic floor therapist. They can make sure you are using the dilators correctly, as well as teach you other exercises and use various treatment techniques to address any tension of the pelvic floor and surrounding muscles that contribute to vaginismus. They may also help with strategies to approach the conversation with this new partner, which ideally you want to have before you enter the bedroom. Certain conversations tend to be easier when you are both fully dressed.” Follow Dr. Rachel Gelman on Instagram @PelvicHealthSF. 20. Can we send you nudes? If you’d bothered to read the fine print at the bottom of my column, you would already know that readers are legally obligated to send me nudes. Late fees may apply — so chop, chop. 21. I love using toys and always have. The last five years or so I have been trying my best to be as eco-minded as possible. This raises my question for you. Is there a way to properly dispose of old toys when they reach their expiration date? I have a handful of old toys and am not entirely sure how to safely dispose of them to keep them out of landfills. Million-dollar idea: Open a chain of sex toy cemeteries where eco-minded people who don’t want their old sex toys wind up in landfills can bury them instead. 22. Someone asks you if you have HPV right before sex. What are you supposed to say?!? I went with: “Probably?” No notes! Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Become Dan’s Sub at savage.love/subscribe