Struggle Session: One Lump Or Two? (Also: Whoops!)

...396967" data-action="profile" data-tab="" data-username="slfannumber45904396967">SLFanNumber45904396967  crawled out on that limb with me and now I don’t feel so alone… I completely agree with Dan that “If they’re into you, you’ll know. If they’re not, you’ll be confused.” is bad advice. If the person having the crush is a perhaps somewhat shy, awkward, not-too-confident kind of person, then parts of their brain might be going to great lengths to reinterpret pretty clear signals of interest as mixed, confusing signals. I brought the saying/meme up in response the question in this month’s Quickies from a reader with a crush on a friend. Larrystone007 had some advice… As a married dude in a monogamous relationship, I think my crushes are willfully on people who are inappropriate. That way there’s no way I ever make a move. My daughter’s preschool teacher? Yeah, I’m never doing that. A happily married co-worker – I’m totally free to admire her and not have to ever think about doing anything. Crushes are great. Acting on crushes is the bad part. Too late for the reader, who already has a crush on a friend. And the world is full of people — mostly divorced people — who acted on inappropriate crushes. That said, mindfully cultivating crushes you would never act on in order to crowd out crushes you might be tempted to act on… that’s not a bad infidelity-avoidance strategy, I guess, but it’s not a foolproof one either. And even if it was foolproof, can someone — can lesser mortals — control their crushes through sheer force of will? I don’t think we choose our crushes; I think our crushes choose us. Or as NoCuteName says, our crushes attack us. I’m sorry, Mah, Curious, BiDanFan, RedBlonde (correction: RedBlonde is a noncombatant in the tolyamory wars), et al, but it looks like tolyamory is here to stay. Even Buzzfeed (the cutting edge of 2014) is on it now. JoAglow is looking to re-home some books about kink — any takers out there? The most truthful answer to Q12 in this month’s Quickies (“Is there such a thing as a hetero leather daddy with no misogynistic tendencies?”) is probably “no,” since everyone who grows up in this patriarchal hellhole  — women included — has at least some misogynistic tendencies. But Andrew‘s brilliant reframing of the question gets us the “yes” the LW was hoping for… “Is there such a thing as a hetero leather daddy who has acknowledged his privilege, who is aware of his biases, and who is working toward feminist goals outside of the role-play scenes?” Yes! Those guys exist! I mean, there has to be at least one out there — right? InspiredDesires had some great insight into why a sub woman might be drawn to a series of shitty/misogynistic male Doms. (Newbie Subs: Avoid the rookie mistake InspiredDesires mentions!) And I agree with YamatoGun: bi/pan sex-positive scenes would a great place for the caller to look for non-misogynistic leather daddies — if the caller isn’t hung up on her leather daddy (or daddies) being straight. (Not endorsing that particular preference, just observing it.) One word of caution: shitty men have been known to wear bi/pan sex-positive scenes as a disguise. So, while the men in bi/ban spaces may be less likely to be misogynistic, their presence in bi/pan spaces isn’t proof they aren’t. Wherever you’re meeting someone — whoever they are (or claim to be), whoever you are (or claim to be), whatever you want from them (or want to give them) — always, always, always do your screw diligence. A very important correction from NoCuteName: Dan keeps using infer and imply as if they were synonyms (“I infer or I guess imply…”). Today’s podcast wasn’t the first time he’s used both words to apply to the same thing. They aren’t synonyms. They are opposite actions! If I make a statement and I want my listener understand more than I’m saying, I try to imply my true meaning; if someone says something straightforward to me and I hear more in the statement than was actually said, I’m inferring their meaning — which may or may not be their intended meaning. The person who does the inferring is not the same person who does the implying! I looked it up — and NoCuteName is, as NoCuteName almost always is, absolutely correct: “Imply is what a speaker or writer does by suggesting something without saying it directly, while infer is what a listener or reader does by drawing a conclusion based on the evidence provided.” Lump #1: Says TwoFishInATank… Pretty surprised that I’m the first comment regarding the intro and Dan’s pretty unapologetic body shaming of assumed “gym avoiding” right-wing men of which Dan suggests “the only curls those men are interested in, is curly fries.” Ignoring the fact that hitting the gym regularly and having a centerfold worthy beach body don’t always go hand in hand (I have many fellow male friends who may look like they have lazy “dad bods”), I think Dan is either looking only through a gay lens or he just really wants it to be true that progressive men are objectively hotter than bigoted trump cultists (don’t we all wish this was a little true?). I wasn’t referring to MAGA bros generally when I mentioned curls, TwoFish, but to the specific Nazi bros that were the subject of a recent expose in Politico. The other rightwing influencers I mentioned were all pretty skinny dudes. The Nazis exposed by Politico and the rightwing influencers were mentioned in the same breath because, big or small, they aren’t the kind of “fit” guys — the kind of gym-going Jesus freaks — the MAGA women profiled by the Washington Post had hoped to meet when they moved to DC. for Trump 2.0. (There are lots of fit the gym in D.C. but most aren’t interested in MAGA women.) While the men of the right have a lot to be ashamed of and a lot to answer for, their bodies shouldn’t have made the list. Sorry I let you down, UrsaHunter, and I will try to do better. Lump #2: Says NoCuteName about the newly-out lesbian with the fabulous nails… Dan doesn’t appear to have seen a lot of manicures. The caller referred to her nail charms; Dan did, too, but he seems to be unfamiliar with nail charms and to be unwilling to Google: more than once, he referred to charms dangling down. Here are some images of actual nail charms… Okay, I assumed nail charms — like the charms on charm bracelets — dangled. And a little additional googling proves that some nail charms do, indeed, dangle. (Also found this while googling nail charms… and barf.) But NoCuteName is right: I was so fixated on the nails — and, like Jonathan, so grossed out about the thought of those fabulous nails going in and out of me — that I missed the caller’s real question and real concern. I should’ve been more sensitive to someone who was just coming out. My apologies. The Silly Therapist has some good news for the caller… Lesbian here who loves extravagant and fancy nails (that I do myself as a hobby). It is not something you necessarily have to let go of or change but if you have a girlfriend/partner who wants digital play you can have a couple fingers or even a full hand shorter and simpler. People rarely say anything except to compliment them. If someone does ask it’s easy and also true to say that it makes lots of fine motor tasks easier to have my nails on my right hand shorter (typing, painting, opening cans.) Also see Cynthia Erivo for proof that queer women can and do have long and extravagant nails with charms. My nails are how I express my creativity and personality and it isn’t something I need to sacrifice at all to also be authentic in my queerness. Shameless plug if I’m allowed, my nail instagram is @daniellesnails2021. TheSillyTherapist does beautiful work — and some of her work, particularly her blunt-edge nails, seem entirely compatible with the lesbian lifestyle. Go check her nails out! Okay, here’s the question that I think would be better answered by the group, as it seems to call for an intervention… I need help. I feel like a sociopath. Since coming out as trans, I have no empathy or sympathy for cis people (gay or straight). This is something I (a transgender woman) have struggled to admit, but it’s true! I’ve finally admitted this after I was mean to my brother for being a dumb ass! In all seriousness he was. He was in a “relationship” with a woman who was cheating on her husband with him. As he was explaining everything to me I just said I don’t care! Deal with your own shit! Ever since coming out as trans in have ZERO empathy or sympathy, especially towards my family! I don’t get how they never saw me struggling and actively suppressing my gender identity and sexuality. It’s led to me having no empathy or sympathy for anyone. I have tons of empathy for straight trans people and that’s it, everyone else quite frankly can fuck off! I don’t want to feel this way, but I do! Newly Out Trans Needs Intervention Concerning Empathy Have some advice for NOTNICE? Share it in the comments!