Out With It

...s, so there was never any overlap between them or any infidelity on my part. My husband knows that I had an emotional affair with an older man during that time period, but I never told him who the older man was. I didn’t tell him because I felt shame about it. I also didn’t know HOW to tell him, even though he is a really rational, emotionally intelligent man. I am still worried that telling him would hurt our relationship or that he would think less of me due to the age gap between our former boss and me. But recently, my husband has expressed an interest in reaching out to our old boss. He is proud we are married, and he wanted to let this boss know because he thinks that the boss will find our story heartwarming. I don’t think the boss would say anything about our affair to my husband, and I honestly think my husband is correct in how he thinks the boss will receive the news of us being married. I actually do think it would warm his heart. Should I tell my husband about this affair before he reaches out? Or should I let him e-mail the boss without telling him? Is this something I should have told my husband years ago, or is it okay for me to have kept this to myself? It feels icky to let my husband reach out to our old boss and share life updates without him having this information. But I am also concerned that telling him could ruin our amazing relationship. Brooding Over Serious Secret Tell your husband who the old man was. In general, your spouse is not entitled to your complete sexual and romantic history. A married person, like any other kind of person, is entitled to some privacy and enjoys — or should be able to enjoy — a zone of erotic autonomy. So, yeah: It’s okay to keep some things to yourself. Omitting arguably irrelevant details about your past… because the detail isn’t important or makes you look bad or makes you feel bad… is allowed. For instance, if you fucked your best friend’s boyfriend in high school and she found out and it was a whole thing and she’s not your best friend anymore and you moved away after high school, you don’t necessarily have to share that information with the guy you met and married a fifteen years later. But personally, BOSS, I wouldn’t want to be with a guy I couldn’t share that story with — I wouldn’t want to be with a guy I couldn’t laugh with about what a piece of shit I was in high school. (It was me. I was the one who slept with my best friend’s boyfriend in high school. It was a hole thing.) Don’t we all want our spouses to love us for the fallible human beings we are? And don’t we deserve spouses who are smart enough to appreciate that our pasts — including mistakes we made — helped to shape us into the people they met and fell in love with years later? All that said, BOSS, this detail — who the old man was — isn’t exactly irrelevant. Your husband knows you had a brief thing with an older man, but you never told him who that old man was. (Stop calling it an affair! It was never consummated! It was a flirtation!) So, if your husband was going to judge you for messing around with an older man, he would’ve judged you for that already. The potential problem here is the old man knows who your husband is… but your husband doesn’t know who the old man was… and if your husband finds out on his own, BOSS, he could feel humiliated (your former boss knew and he didn’t) or he could feel hurt that you didn’t trust him enough to tell him yourself (and tell him sooner). While you believe your former boss would never say anything — and maybe he wouldn’t — people change as they age. So, while it’s possible the old man you made out with in college wouldn’t have said anything, you can’t be 100% sure the even older man he is now wouldn’t blurt it out. So, you need to get out in front of this thing: “Hey, honey. before you reach out to our old boss, there’s something I should’ve told you a long time ago. Before we dated, I had an emotional affair with an older man — that part you knew — but I never told you who that old man was. It was our boss. It ended years before you and I got together and I never told you because I was embarrassed and it was awkward. But I don’t want you to be blindsided if you reach out and he says something, so I’m telling you now. And, again, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you years ago.” P.S. Reaching out to your old boss yourself — and first — and asking him not to say anything to your husband, as your husband doesn’t know, is also an option. But if your husband finds out you were running interference behind his back, you’ll have three things to apologize for: two ancient errors (fucking around with your boss, not telling your husband about it years ago) and a more recent mistake (an attempted coverup).  I have been in a long-term relationship with a man for over ten years. I’m a bisexual woman in my late 40s. I love my partner, but for the past several years I have seriously thought about leaving the relationship. I feel stuck. We have had a lot of conflict in the relationship and have tried couples counseling. Although things feel slightly more peaceful, the spark feels gone and I can’t regain my desire for him. Because I don’t want to be intimate with him, I feel guilty a lot of the time. I have talked to him about opening the relationship so I can explore my sexuality, but he is not on board. I feel afraid of throwing away our years together, being alone and starting over. I have seen a therapist the last year to try and decide, but I’m no closer to knowing what to do. Any advice to help me get unstuck? Can’t Help Myself You could let your partner make this decision for you — or you could let him make this decision for himself, CHM, and by extension make it for you, too. But to make an informed decision about whether he wants to stay with you, CHM, your partner needs all the information you have, and it doesn’t sound — reading between the lines here — like he does. So, you need tell him you love him, CHM, but you’re no longer sexually attracted to him. If you went into couples counseling with the expressed intent of working on repairing your sex life, he may think you’re still open to working on it or that there’s some “regain attraction” fix you haven’t stumbled over yet. But you’re not working on it, CHM, and there isn’t a fix. If you ever have sex again, it’s not going to be him; if he ever has sex again, it’s not going to be you. And since you wanna have sex again at some point, CHM, and so (presumably) does he, the only outstanding question is whether you’ll still be together when you start fucking other people. P.S. There are lots of people out there in sexless companionate relationships and marriages, CHM, but companionate relationships only work — they’re only loving and low-conflict and fulfilling — when they’re what both parties want. And since it doesn’t sound like an open-but-sexless relationship is something your partner wants, he will most likely make the decision you’re afraid to make. I’m in a marriage that’s been unhappy for about a decade. Lots of fighting and periods of serious loneliness. We are non-monogamous. Five years ago, I was at a conference and met a radiantly handsome man and we hit it off. He was, and still is, in a monogamous marriage. One evening we were in my room, and I pressured him to go to bed with me. I saw that he wanted to, and I convinced him to set aside his commitment to his husband. I saw that he was conflicted, and I didn’t care. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t take our underwear off, we just spooned, my arms around him. I got what I wanted, but he was clearly very uncomfortable. After about 30 minutes he went back to his room. I feel enormous guilt. No, we didn’t have sex, nor did I force myself on him physically, and he’s an adult. But I did manipulate him into breaking a vow — even the cuddling was a transgression. So, while what I did might not have been criminal, it felt deeply unethical. I want to apologize. I have his contact information, and we have mutual acquaintances, although I haven’t seen him since. I worry about sending a card that his husband might ask about. I worry about sending an email and having him share it with others. Which is to say, I want to apologize but I don’t want anyone else to know what I did because I’m ashamed of it. What would you do? Feelings Of Guilt You have tenuous connections to this man still — you have mutual acquaintances and you presumably work in the same field — which means circumstances/conferences could put you in the same place at the same time again. If and when that happens, you can apologize to him in person. If the wait is making you crazy, you could engineer a circumstance that puts you in the same place again, e.g. you could go out of your way to attend the same conference or go to mutual’s holiday party. If and when you do see him again — whether it happens organically (preferable) or not (problematic) — don’t ask to speak in private. Just pull him aside when other people are around but out of earshot and tell him you feel bad about your behavior the last time you saw each other. As your offense was low-key, FOG, you can keep your apology low-key: “I feel bad about how I behaved last time we saw each other. I should’ve been more respectful of your relationship, and I put you in an awkward position. I’m glad nothing really happened that night — I’m glad you had enough self-control for both of us — but I behaved selfishly and I wanted to apologize.” P.S. There’s a non-zero chance his relationship is open now, FOG, and if you really nail the apology, you might finally get that dick. P.P.S. Disregard the above P.S., as it was inappropriate and unhelpful. You can’t offer him a meaningful apology if you have an ulterior motive. P.P.P.S. Still. P.P.P.P.S. I’m going to assume there’s some good reason why you haven’t put an end to your awful-but-open marriage. But if there isn’t a good reason, FOG, please put yourself out of its misery. Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to [email protected]! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love