Struggle Session is a bonus column where I respond to comments from readers and listeners. And on Thursdays I share a letter and let my readers have the first crack at giving the advice.
Says NoCuteName about the first question in this week’s column…
Dan may well be 100% correct when he insists that HUBS’ wife is definitely cheating when she goes away on her trips without him. Certainly, the lingerie, the sex toys, the “going out” clothes could mean that. But I used to go away with a group of female friends twice yearly, and meet up with another female friend who lives far away in a place we were mutually unfamiliar with for a weekend away yearly. We all always brought “going out” clothes, because we went out: to a nice dinner, sometimes, to a club to go dancing, other times. There may have occasionally been flirting, but we’d all leave and go back to our VRBO or AirB&B together. As for bringing sex toys, maybe the wife wants to read some erotica, or watch some porn, or just use her imagination, and masturbate. Maybe she only masturbates using sex toys; maybe she can only orgasm with a vibrator. If the husband would think nothing of having a wank when he left for a weekend, why should it be any different for a wife?
I described the lingerie, going out clothes, and sex toys — when taken together — as the first of two tells. NoCuteName doesn’t address the second and arguably more significant tell: Mrs. HUBS told Mr. HUBS to go ahead and start fucking other people. That sure sounds likes an admission — at least to me — that Mrs. HUBS is already fucking other people. Like a lot of cheaters, Mrs. HUBS figures she’ll feel less guilty about fucking other people if Mr. HUBS is fucking other people too… or maybe she just wants HUBS to stop coming to her for sex (or coming to her to “work on” their sex life) and go get it elsewhere.
When your monogamous spouse says, “I’m releasing you from the monogamous commitment you made to me,” they’re telling you one of two things: they’re done with sex or they’ve released themselves from the monogamous commitment they made to you and they’ve having sex with other people. Whichever one it is, it means Mr. HUBS is gonna have to get sex elsewhere if he ever wants to have sex again.
Distingue Traces gets it…
I think it’s just that lingerie, sex toys and party clothes can each be separately seen as part of plausible non-cheating weekend scenarios. (Lingerie? Feeling secretly feminine and sexy while stuck in your boring work drag. Sex toy? Wanking in your hotel room. Party clothes? Going to a party.) But it is hard to think of a non-cheating scenario that involves all three items…. And then she’s all, “By the way dear, it’s fine if you fuck other people while I’m gone. Oh good, here’s my other nipple clamp. Bye!”
And so does BiDanFan…
HUBS: Your wife and Dan are both telling the truth. She may not be hooking up with other people, plural. But she is definitely wearing that lingerie for somebody. She has given you permission to sleep with other people. This looks like textbook (holds nose) tolyamory.
More excellent advice for HUBS from BiDanFan can be found here!
Says Ja7on…
Stop trying to make
Fetchtolyamory happen, Dan.
Tolyamory happened — Psychology Today weighs in this week — and we (me and some my readers and listeners) made it happen.
And when you think about it, fetch happened too. Mean Girls came out in 2004 and here we are, Ja7on, still using fetch in a sentence 22 years later! It may not mean what Gretchen wanted it to mean — it doesn’t mean cool — but it does have a very specific and useful meaning: someone is trying and failing to get something — anything — off the ground. While I’ve had a few neologistic fails (“lobster with extra lobster“), tolyamory isn’t one of them.
Says Samuel via email…
I’m a Magnum Sub and regular listener. I just heard about this alternative to anal douching, the A-Ball. Maybe you have talked about it and I missed it, but I would love to hear your review of this product.
A regular listener — and thank you for that (and for being a Magnum Sub!) — but not a regular reader, it seems, as I shared my thoughts about the A-Ball in my most recent Quickies column. It’s Q13! I’m very skeptical, to say the least, as is Dr. Carlton, who weighed in on the (non-kosher! non-halal!) gelatin ball you’re supposed to shove up your ass right before anal. (Jonathan walks us through why the A-Ball/pork-gelatin-ass-orb isn’t going to replace douching here and here!)
Says David via email…
You really missed the point of the question of the mid 40s married mom in Episode 1012 who wonder if men and women were supposed to be together. She felt ignored and not cared for. You didn’t address her question or inquire what support she gave her husband or the overall state of their relationship — sexlife, dates, etc. Instead you chose to shoehorn in an interview with Christine Emba (sp?) about the looksmaxxing by gen z. Going down a rabbithole of incels and a very small portion of the male population. Total miss. He is married with kids, not an incel. The caller was definitely older than Gen Z and presumably so was her husband. Sure, its a trendy talk but you didn’t answer the caller’s question.
About the caller who saw her ex-friend in a porno (Episode 1013): You didn’t mention the possibility that the woman is being secretly filmed by a current partner. In which case telling her could help her get out of a bad situation. So, I disagree with your advice. Telling her might be the kindest thing.
It wasn’t a question directed at me, but I weighed in…
Not wishing ill on this person… but it’s a bad idea, generally speaking, to whistle past what might be the world’s most densely populated graveyard. https://t.co/JZj48WKx7a
— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) April 9, 2026
I speak, of course, of the graveyard where people bury their illusions after finding out their “monogamous” partner has been cheating on them. But I wish Max and his man well and sincerely hope they’re regularly (and exclusively!) using more than just each other’s phones. I just think Max’s tweet is a little jinxy. Smug too, and kind of judgmental, but mostly jinxy. (“My husband would never cheat on me,” said everyone who has ever visited that graveyard ever.)
Can you clarify where the line is between legitimately getting unmet needs met elsewhere and being a cheating piece of shit? I’ve read your column for years and have picked up on the subtext that you’re cheating tolerant. I can empathize with people who feel stuck in relationships with mismatched libidos, emotions evolved over the years, kids, etc. But that’s not always the case.Full disclosure: I have been cheated with and been cheated on. He told me endured ten years without affection from his wife when we evolved from friends to a romantic couple. Yes, my actions were wrong and caused damage in her life. And I no longer take what he said about her as truth. Two years after his divorce, I unexpectedly met his other girlfriend of multiple years, and soon learned of several hookups and all the lies to keep it going. I foolishly thought we were exclusive because he had no reason to cheat on me. Every day I said how much I loved him, called him handsome, did acts of kindness, and never turned him down. We had an active sex life until the very end. He never asked for an open relationship or acted unhappy with me as a partner. In fact, he seemed perpetually smitten with me. But during the rare spat, he would accuse me of cheating on him on very flimsy evidence. I never did anything with another man besides a hug.So Dan, where’s the line that separates getting-unmet-needs-met and being a CPOS?Another Foolish Fan Admitting I Really Screwedup
I’m kicking this one to you guys because — according to some commenters — I’ve been blurring the line between CPOS and someone doing what they need to do in order to stay married and stay sane. (Or “legitimately getting unmet needs met elsewhere,” as the LW puts it.) So, instead attempting to draw (or re-draw) this line myself, I’m asking all of you to help draw it for me. Can’t wait to read your thoughts!